HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Sometimes life is like riding an escalator.  If it works, it’s an easy way to go up and down.  If the escalator is out of order, you either have to take an elevator that stops on every floor—or hoof it.  If you want to go up, you have to make the climb, and that can be tough, but even if you are out of breath, chances are that you are grateful when you finally reach your goal.

Being thankful is not just for Thanksgiving.  Having an attitude of gratitude can be challenging, and it’s too easy to get caught up in a net of negativity— especially in these times. However, Mark Twain suggests, “Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.”

If you can’t think of something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  Here are a few suggestions that I came up with.  Maybe you can think of a few more:

 Be thankful for your cat who stares at you, but who never gives unsolicited advice.

2.    Be thankful for friends who take eating as seriously as you do.

3.    Be thankful that no one is  Stuffin a Puffin.

4.    If you like vegetables to balance your diet, be grateful for Pumpkin Pie.

As Reba McEntire reminds us:  “To succeed in life you need three things—-a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.

I am so grateful for all of you.   Hugs, from   Esthe

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

Recently, I called my cousin who lives in Seattle to wish her a “Happy Holiday.” “Can’t talk now,” was her response. The kids are coming and I’ve just started cleaning the house.” When are they supposed to arrive?” I asked. “Any minute,” she replied. “Housekeeping is just not my thing!”

Before I disconnected the phone, I suggested to my cousin, “Don’t make the house so neat that the kids won’t know where they are.”

I don’t hate housework, but my mind wanders when I am doing chores, and I forget what I’ve already done. For instance, when I put fresh sheets on my bed, I was thinking about the American Constitution.

After washing the sheets, I opened the dryer compartment and noticed black scuffmarks all over the inside drum. There were two possibilities for that phenomenon---either I had trapped a small South Korean rapper doing the Gangnam Macarena in there---or I had dried a pair of slippers with rubber soles. There was no little rapper jumping around in my dryer, so I cursed the shoes as I cleaned the appliance.

Not wanting to be a total nincompoop, I turned on my handy-dandy MacBook (after all it is a “Pro”) and Goggled, “House Cleaning Tips From Heloise.” She was no help at all!

First tip: “Want to clean your refrigerator fast? Unplug it.” Unless someone named, Heloise comes over and helps me move the refrigerator, it’s going to remain plugged in. I think it would have been more helpful had she suggested, “Throw out anything that smells bad and has started growing on its own.”

The next hint was to clean the toaster by removing the crumb tray. It is so much easier to turn it upside down and shake. She probably should have said, “Do not try to remove stuck-on-stuff with a knife while the toaster is still plugged in---unless you want a new hair-do.”

I did like the suggestion about the dishwasher. “Get paper towels to remove shards of glass, bones and other gunk.” My mind began to wonder about people who put bones into their dishwashers. Do you think that’s the way scientists wash  their fossils?

The last suggestion made some sense. ”To conquer kitchen clutter, throw stuff out.” I think that includes husbands and children who want to snack on the party tray before guests arrive.

I quit reading her advice when it came to, “Tackle the toilet.” No way am I going to tackle that thing without a helmet.

Esther Blumenfeld (can a vegan use a feather duster?)

SEVERE CLEAR

When I was a teenager, I frustrated my mother. Sometimes, in desperation, she would admonish, “Why can’t you be more like Elaine? She’s nice to her mother.”
Elaine was the “perfect daughter.” She was tall and beautiful, gentle as a gazelle, soft spoken and her clothes were never wrinkled. I was short and clean, but thought fashion dictated rolled up blue jeans and a white shirt commandeered from my father’s closet.

I was always nice to my mother, but she was raised in Europe, and tried in vain to impose her sensibilities on an American brat. It didn’t work. I was no gazelle. I remember, as a little girl laughing while my mother chased me around the dining room table, with a slipper in her hand, shouting, “Act like a lady!” Irony was not her strong suit.

No one is perfect, and people who look for perfection will always be disappointed. Even the Liberty Bell has a crack in it. I figure that being imperfect is a great skill to develop, because it makes other people feel so much better about themselves.

Perfectionists are difficult to deal with on the job, because people make mistakes. The adage, “It’s not brain surgery” is a good one, unless, of course, you are a brain surgeon. It’s also good to realize that just because someone is perfectly enthusiastic doesn’t mean he’s perfectly competent, but he’s giving it the old college try (whatever that means). Elbert Hubbard said, “To escape criticism—do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”

In pilot talk, “Severe Clear” means the way ahead is clear of foul weather, the air is smooth and visibility is unlimited, but life isn’t like that, and perfectionists who can’t adjust find the way ahead much bumpier than the rest of us do.

People are really only perfect after they die, because no one wants to say anything bad about them. Wilt Chamberlain found the whole subject of perfection very confusing. He said, “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.”

I admired my friend, Elaine and always wished I could be more like her, but as hard as I tried, I never grew another five inches.

Steven Wright was correct when he said, “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

Esther Blumenfeld (I tortured three piano teachers before they found out it was imperfect me.)

LISTEN UP

Nowadays, there are two ways to get someone to listen when you talk:
Talk to yourself—or—Get a dog.

There is a difference between hearing and listening, and often people only hear what they want to hear. Also, you should realize that a polite way of saying, “Shut up!” is, “I hear you.” I have learned that the old saying, “Give and you shall receive” can be hazardous— if it’s my opinion. However, sometimes self-control is impossible in the climate of this polarized society. I know that some things are better left unsaid, but sometimes I don’t remember that until I’ve said it. So there you go! Of course, sometimes people excuse me because I’m an old lady, and I know how to play that card very well.

Frank Zappa once said, “A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it’s not open.” Listening—truly listening—is really hard, because you have to put yourself out there, and sometimes you have to be willing to hear what you don’t want to hear. If you listen and reflect on what you have learned, you are not just hearing verbal noise.

I have learned that with some people, if you aren’t talking about them, they stop listening. There’s the old story about the author who said, “Enough about me. What did you think about my book?” However, I have learned that it is important to listen when people talk about themselves, and that you should remember what they say. File away that information! And I’m not even in the FBI.

For instance, I recently met a young woman, I had never met before. She told me that she was Catholic, and that her husband was Jewish. She goes to church every Sunday, and she said that he never goes to synagogue, and she is worried about his soul. A few months later, I saw her again, and she said, “I’ll bet you don’t remember me,” and I said, “Oh, Yes, I do.You are Catholic. Your husband is Jewish. You go to church on Sunday and he doesn’t go to synagogue. And, you are worried about his soul.” She was speechless. It was worth it!

I must admit that sometimes when a conversation is really boring my mind will wander, and sometimes it just seems to run away. At that time, smiling a lot and nodding sympathetically  seems to work. Excusing oneself and hiding in the closet may be strange, but you can always say that you thought it was the bathroom.

It’s true that most people would rather talk than listen, except for the strong silent type.  He might just pass for a good listener, or, he might just be plain stupid. Unfortunately, too many people hear what they want to hear. If you are listening to someone talk, it’s always a good idea to question the source of the information. Otherwise, you may just be hearing babble or listening to downright lies.  

It is a given that when you hear birds singing in the trees, you don’t have to verify that they are birds. On the other hand,  ringing in your ears is a common ailment when politicians are speaking. Listening to music is an activity that can help all of us escape constant verbiage. However, it is also a selective hearing activity. As Woody Allen so aptly said, “I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

Esther Blumenfeld

SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS BELIEVING

This morning, I had breakfast with my friend, Sandra who is a master. No, she does not run a tugboat or own a plantation. Sandra is a member of the Canadian judiciary. I asked her, “Is it ever difficult to render a decision?” She replied, “Sometimes, even when confronted with evidence, one has to be careful to arrive at the correct conclusion.”

I asked her to give me an example. “That’s easy,” she replied. “I have a friend who is expecting a baby. She also has a three-year-old daughter. While trying to explain her pregnancy, she showed the child an ultrasound of the baby. ‘I want to call Grandma’ was the excited response. So they did. The little girl grabbed the phone and yelled, ‘Grandma, Grandma, we’re going to have a frog.”’

Christopher Columbus was looking for a direct sea route to China and the Indies. He proved that the world is not flat, but instead of discovering the Indies and Chinese take-out, he unearthed the joys of the tobacco plant. After a good smoke, he still insisted that he had discovered the Indies and shouted, “Isabella, Isabella, these folks are Indians.”

As far as the earth goes, most people grudgingly admit it isn’t flat anymore, but even if they see a polar bear in a bikini sipping pina coladas on an ice flow, these people will not recognize global warming. They will shout, “Al, Al, the ice cubes in my scotch and soda didn’t melt any faster than they used to.”

When I was in Alaska, I spotted a big black bear ambling very close to the van in which I was sitting. The driver stopped, so we could enjoy the bear and her cub. We also spotted a woman with a camera getting out of her car. My driver lowered the window and shouted, “Get back into your car.” “Why?” said the woman. “Bear,” said the driver. “So?” said the woman. I yelled, “Lady, Lady, it’s a bear—not a frog!”

Some people just don’t get what is directly in front of them. There are still some numbskulls that don’t believe that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. “They didn’t fool me. That was a fake moon landing filmed in a Hollywood studio. Besides, the moon is made of cheese and cows jump over it.”

“People are entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts.”

The paranoid among us still don’t believe that the former President of the United States was born here. Even his birth certificate won’t convince them. If one of these characters was privy to President Obama’s ultrasound, he would convince himself that he is right, and then he would shout, “Grandma, Grandma, our President is a frog, Hawaii is a foreign country, and I am as smart as a three year old.”

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  Oh, by the way, Don’t forget to vote!


Esther Blumenfeld (The sun just sank into the sea)