LOOK WHO'S COMING FOR DINNER

The headline of a Reuter’s news story recently caught my attention, “Cannibalism is bad for your health, scientists find,” which made me think, “It’s not so good for the other guy either.”
Michal Misiak of the University of Wroclaw, and Petr Turecek of Charles University in Prague, used a mathematical model to do their study. They found that eating people leads to population collapse, because eating your neighbors could make you sick.

They also discovered that, “from a caloric perspective, a person turns out to be an average meal.”  Not for vegetarians he doesn’t ! And they also found out,  that when cannibals eat other cannibals, even cooking, doesn’t improve the meal.  And, these days, who’s got a microwave even big enough for left overs?

Once it was common among the Fore People of Papua New Guinea to cook and eat deceased relatives— believing that they freed their spirits. However, I’m not sure that a troublesome in-law wouldn’t cause indigestion—or get stuck in your teeth.

All of these problems connected to cannibalism led to the strongest taboos for humans.  Dr. Misiak said, “Taboo acts as an evolutionary safeguard.”  

Consequently,  it really is better for you to eat with a friend rather than serving her on a plate.  And, in good conscience you can throw your Tums away.

The scientists ended the article with this wise conclusion:

“Communities that didn’t curb cannibalism simply didn’t survive.”  

Thanks so much Michal and Petr.  I think I’ll have a kosher hotdog.

Esther Blumenfeld

STOP TOUCHING EVERYTHING

Yesterday, someone asked me, “What is the Midas Touch?” So, instead of telling her to look it up on her smart phone, I proceeded to tell her the classic Greek myth about the wealthy ruler who loved gold more than anything else.

In the story, Dionysus, the God of Wine, offered to grant  Midas any wish he wanted. So, King Midas, a very greedy man, wished that everything he touched would turn to gold. Dionysus, taking a big sip from his flask, granted Midas his wish. Now, Midas turned everything—the furniture, the walls, the trees and even the flowers—into lots of gold, which made him a very,  wealthy man. However, when he sat in his golden chair, his food and wine also turned to gold before he could even eat or drink. According to the story, his daughter ran to console him, and she also turned into a golden stature. 

Poor Midas begged Dionysus to take pity on him. By now, Dionysus, the God of Wine was a little drunk, so he told Midas to go wash his hands in the reflecting pool near his castle. The touch washed away the gold, but turned the pool a nasty green, but happily Midas was reunited with his daughter.

However, Midas’s arrogance led him to another embarrassing punishment when he used poor judgment and selected the wrong people, for very important positions, to help him reign over his kingdom. The Greek God, Apollo punished him for his poor judgment, and cursed King Midas with the orange ears of a donkey. Midas was forced to hide his donkey ears under a large red cap.  Only his barber knew his secret, and was sworn, under pain of death, not to tell anyone.

The barber could not keep his mouth shut, so he dug a hole under unfinished construction near the castle, and he whispered the secret into the earth. Then he covered it all up. Reeds began to grow in the secret spot, and when the wind blew the reeds whispered the truth:
“ King Midas has ass’s ears.”

So, what can we learn from the myth of King Midas and his love of gold.  It stems from the desire to show off success, authority, power and dominance, and of course—GREED.

Perhaps it also leads us to the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  “Whatever you don’t want to happen to you, do not do to another person.”

Or maybe: Treat other people with kindness and understanding, so you won’t end up looking like an ass.

Esther Blumenfeld

GETTING THERE

I never thought I’d ever have anything in common with Keith Richards (The Travelllin Man) until recently when he announced, “The Rolling Stones won’t tour anymore.”  At 82 he said, “The wear and tear of traveling takes it out of you!” Of course, I was never on the road like he was, but for me, it’s the airport hardships that I just can’t face—- ALONE. 

In the good old days, I used to be able to fly directly to my destination  unless I was going overseas, but not anymore. Now, in order to get anywhere, I have to visit a “Hub.”  Unfortunately, no longer am I able to run from gate to gate—let alone from terminal to terminal.Consequently, I am relegated to taking a wheel chair. A friend told me, “Tip ahead of time.“ I took her advice, and when I waved a  $10.00 bill into my pusher’s face, he would bless me all the way to my gate. Now, things are different, because people who use wheel chairs are getting younger and younger. They have figured out that it’s an easy way to get through the airport.  Then, they have the audacity to jump out of their wheel chairs before they even stop rolling. Now, it’s more difficult to get a wheel chair—let alone finding someone to push it.

I have a 93-year old friend who was picked up at the Baggage Department by her children at the Washington State airport.  They were amazed to see their Mother pushing her wheel chair.  No one came to take her to Baggage, so she put her carry-on and purse on the wheel chair and pushed it herself.

It was easy for me when coming home from Cuba with my son and daughter-in-law.  My son, Josh pushed my wheel chair, and we arrived at Customs in no time. The agent asked Josh if he had packed any liquor. Josh had packed the allotted amount of Rum.  Then the agent leaned over his desk and asked me, “Did you pack any liquor?”  I said, “No, I drank it on the plane.”

Changing planes is one problem, but then—of course—there are the delays. When flying to Hawaii the plane had a two-hour delay so the mechanics could fix the movie projector. Another time when flying home from New York, it took three hours for the replacement crew to arrive. They got a standing ovation from the passengers. Then there was the time at O’Hare Airport in Chicago when one of the runways was out of commission and we had to circle the airport for five hours.  It reminds me of the saying, “Takeoffs are optional. Landing is mandatory.”
Recently, my brother, David came to visit me.  He was supposed to fly from Tampa to Atlanta and from Atlanta to Phoenix.  He sent me a text, “My plane will be on time from Detroit.”

Then there are the TSA adventures.  A friend of mine told me that when the TSA Agent unzipped her carry-on, her bras went flying everywhere.  Unless he was looking for slingshots she carried no weapons.

After boarding a plane there are the seating rules. 

Smile, Say “Hello” and then Shut Up!
Keep your feet and garbage in your own footwell.
Do not recline your seat during meal time.
If you have to leave your seat, it’s better to gently waken the passenger next to you rather than aggressively climbing over her so she won’t wake up screaming.

As Keith Richards would sing, “Who’s driving your plane? Are you in control or is it driving you insane?”

Esther Blumenfeld

PLAYTIME

Ask any child, “What is your favorite period at school?” and he answers, “recess!” For a few years, school districts dismissed recess as a frivolous waste of time, but on December 31, 2012, the Academy of Pediatrics stated that recess should not be withheld from children, because it can “benefit children’s cognitive, academic and social development.” It also contributes to physical fitness. They failed to mention that a recess break keeps teachers from going completely batty.

Some psychiatrists claim that freedom of play helps children develop the skills of adulthood. I recall recess as running around time, hanging upside down on the monkey bars and dodging balls that were thrown my way. It never occurred to me to catch them. Playground bullies also honed their skill pushing littler boys around and throwing earthworms at the girls. I wasn’t especially afraid of earthworms, but screamed and ran away with the other sissies.  I wasn’t a very fast runner, so I kept yelling, “Hey, you guys, wait for me,” and usually ended up with skinned knees and elbows. Maybe that’s why I’m still more of a loner than a group person.

When Congress opens in January, and immediately the Senate goes into recess, freezing the Chamber on its first legislative day, they do this so they won't have to debate. So much for “cognitive, academic and social development.” Right out of the gate, the senators choose not to think, learn or get along with each other. 

When the Academy of Pediatricians recommended the benefits of recess, they were talking about little children---not big babies. When grown-ups display this kind of behavior, it is unacceptable, and I recommend that they play nicely with the other slackers or be sent home.

Recent polls reveal that  voters rank Congress as less popular than cockroaches and colonoscopies. Maybe  Senators should learn that recess shouldn’t be their favorite period. If they don’t want to be expelled, perhaps they should leave the fun of recess to their grandchildren and stick to bathroom breaks.

Esther Blumenfeld (There’s nothing like recess in the rain) 

VISITORS THAT DON'T SHOW UP

FINALLY!  The long awaited files have been released—No, not the Epstein Files. Now the American People can access the declassified UFO (Unidentified Flying Objects) Files that the Government has been hanging onto for decades. 

Conspiracy minded individuals will now discover that there is no evidence that the U.S. Government has had any interaction with bald little white men with big eyes and pointed ears from other planets. There is no reason to believe that other beings have visited us. The collection includes more than 160 files and over 400 “incidents” from all over the world.

Some of my favorite alien stories involve:  

The SIBERIA  CHICKEN  SKIN ALIEN:  In 2011 a video showed two Russian men discovering a wide-eyed alien corpse in the Siberian wilderness. The local police investigated and got a confession that the “extraterrestrial” was made of bread crumbs stuffed into a raw chicken.

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: In 1952 a group of people in West Virginia saw a “terrifying 10-ft tall creature with glowing eyes floating in the mist.” Turns out that the alien was a barn owl perched way up on a tree branch.

In 1995, Fox TV aired fuzzy black and white footage of a surgeon dissecting a large-eyed (they always seem to have big eyes) alien. In 2006 the film-maker admitted that the “alien” was fake. It was sculpted from sheep organs and a dummy. 

And then there was the farmer who, in 1979 sued NASA for $20,000.00, because aliens had landed a spacecraft on his farm leaving  a circular burn mark.  He accused NASA of a cover-up. The judge dismissed the case because the burn marks obviously were left by a tractor.

In 2020 people in New Jersey saw a Spacecraft with blue flashing lights. Turns out it was the GOOD YEAR BLIMP “coming in peace."

When it was reported that there were UFO’s soaring over Haiti, the Los Angeles Times found the source. A professional animator, testing his work, had spent 17 hours creating UFOs on his MacBook.

Most recently, in 2019, South Korea radar detected “traces of flight by unidentified objects” headed to North Korea— just as President Trump was set to meet with Kim Jong Un.  Happily, the Joint Chiefs of Staff discovered that the UFOs were flock of birds.

My opinion, although it is worth about as much as you have paid for it, is that some people look at all of the misery on Earth, and tell themselves, “This can’t be all the life there is in the vast Universe.  There has to be something better out there.”  Or, they think, “We have to prepare ourselves for something out there that is much worse.”The truth is that we will probably never know, and it just might be smart to fix what we have been given.  Think how much better this earth could be if every inhabitant did one act of kindness everyday—just one act.

The Greek myth of Pandora tells us that Pandora opened a forbidden box unleashing all evils upon the world.  She quickly slammed the lid shut, leaving only HOPE inside.  Now it is up to us not to slam the lid shut on HOPE, but make it work for a better world for all of us.

Esther Blumenfeld