OH, CANADA

DAY 1
There are only two things that would get me out of bed on purpose at 2:00 a.m.—a baby feeding, or a 4:00 a.m. limousine pick-up for a flight to Canada.  Since my baby is now fifty-seven years old, it was obviously a ride to the airport.  In the good old days of youth, I could have been up, and about, in forty-five minutes,  but not so much as an old folk.

Not having traveled to a foreign country for a long time (Yes, you need a passport to enter Canada, and Yes, their money is prettier than ours) I was delighted to experience facial recognition technology at my Tucson Airport.  Of course, I had to lower my black mask, so I wouldn’t look like a bank robber.  The flight to Salt Lake City was uneventful, and my final flight to Vancouver left on time. When my taxi arrived at the Fairmont Waterfront Hotel, my son, Josh and daughter-in-law, Barbara were waiting for me, and happily I didn’t have to tip them for handling my luggage.

Day 2
The next day we took a Motor Coach tour of the city.  Vancouver is a beautiful cosmopolitan city with a sophisticated population—35% Chinese—25% Indian, and the food is gourmet all the way.

Day 3
On the third day we had a Motor Coach transfer to the Rocky Mountaineer Train, and began our journey in the “Gold Leaf Section” of the glass domed luxurious train. Settling into my seat was  fun, because I could push lots of buttons including a lower back lumbar adjustment, a foot elevator and, best of all, a heated seat. There was plenty of room under the seat in front of me for my oversized handbag, but, of course, there was no overhead storage since the roof and sides are all glass. Not spending overnight on the train, our luggage was taken to our next destination, and placed in the hotel room before we arrived. Since we were in “Gold Coach” our dining room was just a few steps down, and we were treated to a gourmet breakfast and lunch featuring local ingredients and Canadian wines.

We experienced compelling story telling from the hosts aboard the train, as we viewed the beautiful Canadian Rockies. We passed over rushing rivers, glided through mountain tunnels, and traveled along coastal forests, and the awe-inspiring sky-high mountains.  Photos really can’t do the stunning scenery justice.

Day 4
Arriving late in the day, we settled in for an overnight stop in Kamloops—a popular filming location for hits like; The X-Files and Battlestar Galactica. Kamloops is a rugged place with desert-like environment including Sandstone Canyons, grasslands and Ponderosa Pine.
We woke up early in the morning, and were picked up to once again board the train on our way to Lake Louise.

Days 5 and 6
As I got to my room at the Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise, I opened the curtains and was presented with a stunning view of the  Turquoise waters of Lake Louise, which was surrounded by jagged mountain peaks, miles of wilderness and immense glaciers. The lake comes from the melt waters of glaciers, and “rock flour” (glacial flour)  comprised of finely ground rock particles reflecting  light giving the water it’s unique color. After a hearty breakfast, Josh, Barbara and I took a hike along the lake. Along the way was saw some “Beware the Bears” signs, but all we saw were birds and frisky chipmunks.  Josh and Barbara finished the long trail hike.  I finished the hike in the gift shops of the hotel.

    Esther Blumenfeld        

MORE NEXT WEEK

PARTY! PARTY!

Several years ago, I took a trip to Australia at a time when there was an extremely contentious battle for the United States Presidency.  When an Aussie asked me about the political situation in the United States I would always answer, “I really don’t know.  I am a Canadian.”

In a couple of weeks I will be in Canada taking a trip on the Rocky Mountaineer Train with my son and daughter-in-law, and once again the U.S. is in a heated battle for the Presidency. So what can I say if a Canadian asks me, “What’s going on with your politics in the United States?” I can’t tell him, “I am a Canadian.”  I guess I will have to say, “No Habla Ingles.”

I must admit that, for me, it’s difficult to understand how we, as a Nation, have come to the point where people who don’t agree politically can’t still have amicable political discussions and then agree to disagree—while still remaining friends.

A few weeks ago, I invited my new neighbor and his lady friend to my apartment for some wine and cheese before we went downstairs for dinner at one of the restaurants. I didn’t know him well but was alerted to the fact that he is a Republican…as a matter of fact at one point he had made a run for Governor of Arizona.  I met him at the door and said, “I’ll be your Tip O’Neill if you will be my Ronald Reagan. Laughter brought us together and the three of us are still friends.

Tip O’Neill was the Democratic Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives—a political rival of President Reagan. However, they engaged in a real life friendship, and after disagreeing and fighting about issues everyday, they would still meet at 6:00 p.m. for a drink almost every evening.  Their ideological differences did not interfere with their friendship. They were both men of good intentions who strived everyday for the common good for the people of this  Country.

Tip O’Neill was one of the first people to visit President Reagan in the hospital after he was shot. The Speaker Of the House wept and fell to his knees at his friend’s bedside. He then prayed the words of the 23rd Psalm.

The United States is still a relatively young Country whose people have built a remarkable Democracy with a brilliant Constitution written so very long ago. We still need a strong two-party system with honorable people who truly love this Country and will put the welfare of its people above their own ambitions. Consequently, I have always voted for that kind of person no matter of Party affiliation.  

When I lived in Georgia, I could not vote for a bigot like Lester Maddox, so I voted for the other guy. When Maddox was interviewed by a reporter who asked what should be done about the abysmal conditions of Georgia prisons, Maddox said, “ What we really need is a better class prisoner.”

Abraham Lincoln said it best when he said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

So  what’s it going to be????     Esther Blumenfeld

OPEN UP

I have trouble opening things. I’m sure it is genetic. My father had butter fingers, and whenever he tried to unscrew, untie, or unwrap anything he’d eventually resort to some creative under-the-breath muttering.

Recently, I hosted a party and tried to uncork a bottle of champagne. Finally, I turned the task over to a strong man, who immediately popped that cork. A cautionary note: Do not loosen a cork for anyone else.  It makes you look really stupid.

Manufacturers have developed all kinds of creative ways to challenge whomever is dumb enough to buy their products. “Push down and twist clockwise” is almost as much fun as, “Squeeze hard and twist counter-clockwise.”  I usually push down when I’m supposed to squeeze hard before pulling the hammer out of my tool chest.

There are several creative ways to open a jar:

A blunt edged knife should release air from under the lid. Accompanied by a box of Band-Aids, this can work.

Hot water run over the lid might do the trick---with a little Unguentine on the side.

Banging the lid of a jar of kosher pickles on the garage floor might work, but be sure to have a broom, a pail of water and a mop nearby.

You can try putting on rubber gloves when wrestling with a stubborn jar top. It will give new meaning to “twist and shout!”

Then there are the plastic packages that contain, batteries, dental floss, toothbrushes, razors and all kinds of products that you need, but can’t get to by simply opening the package. When a scissor fails me I sometimes resort to a razor bladed knife and a box of already opened Band-aids.

Receiving a package in the mail can be a delightful surprise until you try to open it. Usually I have been struggling for ten minutes before I see the instructions, “Open other side.” Then there are the cardboard boxes that contain foodstuffs. They instruct to “Pull up the sides and tear here.” When my eyes fill with water, I understand the “tearing” part.

Plastic screw caps on soft drink bottles cause much consternation. If you can’t get the cap to move, you might not want to ask a stranger to open your bottle, because who knows what he’s been doing with those hands.

So here are my final thoughts on the subject:

If you are stranded on a desert island, do not send a note in a bottle out to sea, because whoever finds it, won’t be able to remove the cork.

If you visit a scientist, and on his desk there’s a brain preserved in a jar---leave the jar closed.

If you have a hankering for hard liquor, take a drive to the Smoky Tennessee Mountains, because a jar of Moonshine opens itself.

Alice in Wonderland found an already opened bottle with a sign that read, “Drink Me.” It was not marked “Poison” so she drank the ingredients. Unfortunately, it made her really short. So, beware of already opened bottles. Eat cake. It will make you taller.

Esther Blumenfeld (I’ve never met a man who can’t open a beer bottle.)

FORGET IT

When my Father was 90-years-old, he called me and said, “Something terrible happened to me today.” “What happened?” I asked. “For the first time in my life,” he replied, “I couldn’t remember someone’s name.” “Dad,” I said, “sometimes, I do that on purpose.” Of course, for a man with a phenomenal memory, he didn’t think my answer was all that funny.

Recently, I saw an ad in my newspaper headlined, “Age Proof Your Brain.” The advertisement claimed that by swallowing an expensive, little pill, all those forgetful brains out there would get a jump-start. I guess it’s kind of a flim-flam jumper cable to the noggin.

The AARP Magazine featured an article that offered some ways toward a fit mind:
Get moving: I think they meant exercise and not moving in with your kids.
Pump iron: I’m not sure if that will make you brainier, but you might end up looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and be able to write a forgettable memoir.  
Seek out new skills: I have learned to pump gas which is much is easier than futzing around with iron.     
Meditation:  Hummmmm.  Okay, that’s done.  
Eat Like a Greek: That means fish, vegetables, fruit, nuts and beans. However, if none of those are available drink lots of Ouzo. Opa!
Spice it up: I think they mean cur cumin---not phone sex.
Stimulating conversation: “It’s raining outside” is not stimulating conversation.

My friend, who was gone for the summer, returned home and said, ”I open the wrong drawers looking for stuff.” I told her, “I don’t have to leave for the summer to do that.”

Sometimes a short memory can save a relationship, but then again, a memory can last forever. That begs the question, “So what are you going to do with it?”
I suggest it’s a good idea to keep the good ones and file the bad ones into your mental museum.  Remember that Mama’s pot roast smelled so good. Try to forget that it tasted like rope.

Of course, memory lapses are both normal and age related. Teenagers notoriously forget their homework, books and lunch. Children in grade school forget to tell you---until bedtime--- that it’s their turn to bring the cookies to class the next day.

Years ago when my husband and I were out-of-town, our son Josh had forgotten to tell us (or the baby sitter) that he had volunteered to bring the first-grade-class pet home for the weekend. Then they both forgot to tell us that the pet had escaped, and was lost somewhere in the bathroom. What kind of beastie was it? And, did we ever find it? I can’t remember. You might ask the new owner of the house, once she stops screaming. It’s been 50 years; you’d think the thing would have died by now.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Women and elephants never forget.” Dorothy Parker)

FIND THE IDIOMS

So many times in life something happens  unexpectedly, and you are caught completely unaware.  In one of the preview productions of the musical “Hello  Dolly,” the star, Bette Midler messed up a line three times.  She turned to the audience and said, “What do you want from me? I’m old,” and then went back into character.

The theatre stage is often a place where an actor is caught off guard. For instance, in one Broadway production, the sound technician pushed the wrong button, and in the middle of an actors speech, the stage telephone began to ring. The actor stopped talking, picked up the phone receiver, handed it to his fellow actor and said, “It’s for you!”

When my brother, David was on a cruise he attended the Passenger Talent Show. A fellow passenger came onto the stage and belted out the song, “If Ever I Should Leave You,” and like a bolt out of the blue, he dropped dead.  As the curtain was rapidly pulled shut, the audience applauded thinking it was part of the show.

On a different cruise, I also attended a Passenger Talent Show where an inebriated woman got on stage and began to sing, the Sinatra favorite, “I’ll Have It My Way.”  The ship staff was caught by surprise when she refused to stop singing, and they had to chase her around the stage to force an exit.  I think that helped end Passenger Talent Shows.

For a period of time, my son, Josh was a stage actor in New York.  I attended almost all of his plays, but missed the one where he played a notorious villain. After the play run ended, he came to visit me, and to my astonishment, after his, “Hi, Mom!” He said, “I need to go and have the stitches removed from my arm.” Incredulously,  I said, “What happened?”  At that, he told me that the on-stage battle involved a fake switch-blade knife. The blade was fake, but the decorative piece of metal made the knife look real, and in the play’s fight that metal part cut him. He was very proud when he told me that his blood matched the fake stage blood perfectly, and added, “When I got to the hospital, the doctors came to see the fake scar on my face because it looked so real.”  

My son also took flying lessons. When I asked him “How are the lessons going?” You could have knocked me over with a feather when he replied, “Great!” “But, I have to perfect my landings.”

Some of the unexpected is jaw dropping such as a few days ago when I decided to treat myself to breakfast with friends.  I arrived first and a waiter carrying a pot of coffee approached my table. It was his first day on the job. He reached for my cup, picked it up and blew into it.
Astonished, I said, “Did you just blow into my cup?” and he said, “”Yes, there was something in it.”  Whereupon I said, “Do not blow into people’s cups!” “Get me a new one!”— which he did.  He put my former cup on another table.

The unexpected can knock your socks off—or not—such as the time my husband, Warren was invited to give a speech in the ballroom of a large convention hall. A humongous folding screen had been set up  behind him, in order to block the view of the kitchen. As he began his talk, the screen collapsed and hit the floor like a bomb.  He did not turn around, but said to the audience, “I think I am having a religious experience.”

My mother-in-law used to say, “Live long enough and you’ll see everything!” She was right.
Yesterday, someone said to me, “ Esther, you have such a sweet disposition— just like my dog named, Esther. She died last month.” For all of my life, I have never been compared to a dead dog. However, I  found out that, Esther the dog, and I really did have something in common. Neither one of us has ever bitten anyone.       
Esther Blumenfeld