WHAT A DAY!

It’s a 40-mile-per-hour wind attack in Tucson, Arizona. The trees outside are bending, and the branches are whipping from side to side. Helplessly, I watch the plastic leaves, from the artificial tree on my balcony, fly merrily past my window. There they go!  That tree used to look like the real thing. Now it looks more like a naked stick. I know that my neighbors will look and say;  “ What person in her right mind would put a naked stick on her balcony?  That’s a heck of a decoration!” I admit that I do not have a green thumb nor any garden sense at all. I don’t even have a leaf blower. In the Spring, I will purchase another artificial tree. I think I will ask my neighbor to water it when I leave town. Couldn’t hurt!

If possible, I do not venture out on extremely windy days. Nor do I run around in the rain. Rain is something I like to view from inside my apartment.  On those days, I plan apartment projects. Lucky for me, it doesn’t rain that often, so I don’t have to accomplish too much.

It’s a perfect day to shred tax files from six years ago. I only have room in the box, in my closet, for five years worth of files. So, more than five years of files—“To heck with it!” If the IRS wants to toss an old lady into jail, how much worse can it be than a Covid lock-down? Actually, I really don’t have that much to shred, because most of my beloved deductions have already been shredded by Congress. However, as I am blithe-fully shredding along, my shredder decides to clog—not the shoe dance—but the “Don’t make me eat any more of that paper” dance.

It’s been that kind of a day, and I have had enough!   I unplugged the shredder, got a scissors, and said, “I may never be able to grow a plastic tree, but by-gum by-golly I’m going to unclog you even if I have to shove a laxative into your jaw!” It took an hour and a mess of shredded paper on the floor, but I was victorious—battle weary— but a winner!

Later I signed up to attend a  movie in the Screening Room located near my apartment. Just what I needed—a comedy. I arrived on time, found a good seat, adjusted my mask and waited for the film to begin. After fifteen minutes, the audience was informed that the “stick” wasn’t working, and the movie would be rescheduled.  I offered the “ the stick—on my balcony—that used to be a tree, but was informed that it wasn’t that kind of a stick.

I was left with two choices: I could relax with a good book or watch a really bad television show.  My guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor,” won out.  Remember: Scarlett did say to Rhett, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”

Esther Blumenfeld

AIN'T GOT NO SOUL

Years ago, in the Continuing Education Department, at Emory University among the courses I taught was the popular, “Writing Humor But Seriously Folks.” I was never under the impression that people can be taught to be funny, but I do know that people can be made more aware of what they hear, see and read, and they can learn to interpret it in a different way.
So what’s funny?  For Mel Brooks, “Jokes don’t make it.”

For instance from Rodney Dangerfield, “ I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Brooks left  that school of comedy a long time ago. “Humor has to come out of human endeavor—the unexpected and true—from everyday life. Then it works.” (AARP Bulletin, Jan/Feb 2022).

How’s this for everyday life? “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” (Winston Churchill)

So, now, in 2022 I am supposed to believe that robots, given the right algorithms can be programmed to tell jokes and become more humanlike. “Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was programmed to do it.” Humor is a window to how people see the world, and it can be very powerful.  Have you ever had someone say to you, “Stop making me laugh, I’m going to pee in my pants.” That is power! It can also be manipulative.  Ask yourself, “Who benefits when humor wins us over?”

Artificial Intelligence isn’t all that new. Lots of people claim to be intelligent. We like robots because they are a reflection of ourselves. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” (Isaac Asimov).

Robots have many useful capabilities, but even though they are sometimes called “humanoids” and can fly to Mars, they cannot feel nor have values or ethics. In other words, robots are not human! Besides, aerospace, robots can be designed to look like people and dance like people, but they cannot feel the emotion of a love song. They can be programmed to clean your carpet as well as search for survivors in a disaster, but they cannot experience the emotion of pulling a child out of a pile of rubble. There are industrial and surgical robots, and robots that are programmed to scout explosive devices, but if a robot is blown up during the search all that is lost is a very expensive machine—not the heart and soul of a person.

Research goes on and on and of course telepresence is everywhere including self-driving cars and deep sea exploration. However, humor has its own power.  As Steven Wright reminds us, 
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

A scientist can program a robot to tell jokes and measure audience reaction, but the robot will not understand the emotions of another person or reason a situation. A robot may be programmed to tell a joke but it won’t get the punchline.  Here’s the programmed joke told by Jon the Robot (Time Magazine, 1/17/22,  “Funny Equals Ha Ha” (Corinne Purtill).

“Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to solve inverse kinematics equations to pick up a cup and you get ‘Error 453 no solution found?” The article says that Jon can deliver that joke based on the length of audience laughter—the level of noise in the room. I hope he gets  better material.

“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” (Conan O’Brien)

Esther Blumenfeld

HOLD YOUR BREATH

At some point in life a person has to decide whether you want something more than you are afraid of it.

After two years, due to pandemic safety concerns,  I had only seen my son, Josh and my daughter-in-law, Barbara on my computer screen. Now, reassured, because I was fully vaccinated and boosted, I reasoned and evaluated that as Seneca said; “If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.” Consequently, I purchased a First Class airline ticket for January 6, 2022 to fly to Washington, D.C. Yes, that date.

Since I had to change planes in Dallas, Texas all of my friends urged me to order wheelchairs in order to get through the airport terminals with the least of hassles. They were right!  Looking,  like the man in the iron mask, while everyone else disrobed and stood in line at Security, I was asked; “Do you have any metal on your body?” I said, “Not that I know of.” “How old are you? You don’t look that old.  Oh, yes, I see your birthdate on your drivers license. Lower your iron mask so I can see your whole face.” That did it!  “You are good to go.”

When I gave my wheelchair pushers a hefty tip before we got started, I found out that they all had driven in the Indy-500, and I got to my gates without having to change a tire. However, I do admit that I did make a pit stop in every airport.

At first I was outside my comfort zone, but then I noticed that everyone in the terminals and on the planes wore masks (not under their noses or chins).  It was then that I realized, “I am safer here than the folks are at Walmart at home.” Announcements were made about masks and threats were real.  “If you don’t cover-up, you may be permanently tossed out.”  If that happened on a plane, it would really be permanent.

As I boarded the plane, I said “Hello” to the woman sitting next to me. I figured that would be the extent of our conversation since I had brought a good book along. She told me that her husband was sitting a few rows back of her.  I said, “Oh, it’s too bad that you aren’t sitting together.” She replied, “That’s okay, I slept with him last night.” I opened my book.

As I sat in my comfortable seat on the plane, I felt a bit chagrined, because compared to the hardships faced by the pioneers as they headed West, my biggest challenge was to decide what I wanted for lunch. My planes all took off and landed on time and I had no cancellation. If the pioneers had a cancellation it meant a wagon had fallen off a cliff, and I didn’t have to traverse a raging river driving a pack of oxen.

Yes, I had missed the big snowstorm in Washington, but in blizzard conditions I didn’t have to eat my fellow passengers—nor did I have to ward off scurvy, yellow fever, dysentery, typhoid fever or cholera.

Being able to embrace Josh and Barbara after two years of separation meant everything to me, and I learned that fear is temporary, but regret would have been forever.

Esther Blumenfeld

SIDE EFFECTS

“Some things are not probable, but everything is possible.”

That’s why there are disclaimers on almost everything in life. I think the reason is so you won’t have the opportunity to sue someone if you weren’t paying attention.  For instance, this morning, I woke up, turned on my TV and saw an ad where a guy in a wet suit was shaving his face with a battery driven razor— while he was submerged in water. I don’t know why any swimmer would be inclined to do such a thing, but the small print under the ad ran past me very fast. I think it probably said, “Don’t try this if you can’t swim.”

Unfortunately, there are no instructions for the unforeseen, but when there are instructions on the highway that read, “Watch for deer,” you probably don’t have a lawsuit if you hit a moose.
Whatever product you use—whether it’s medication or cat food you might have missed.—“Not for human consumption.” And, if you misplaced your magnifying glass you probably didn’t see,“If the cat throws up, he didn’t like it very much either.”

Sometimes it seems as if there can be side effects for everything including marriage. That’s why you can go to the offices of Schmuck and Putz for a cheap prenuptial agreement which lists all of the bad side effects that can occur during your get together.

There are warnings all around us:  “We sell the best flooring in the business!” Then the small print:  “Avoid walking on this floor with shoes.”

“Recycle plastic here” (but not plastic bags)” “Recycle paper here” (but not the editorials).

“Do not refrigerate.” “Refrigerate after opening.”

“Gleam Toothpaste will whiten your teeth.” (If you are allergic to the stuff in Gleam, your teeth will fall out).

“Push down and turn top.” (If you pull where you should have pushed you will end up with an unopened bottle.)

“Enter!” “Do not Enter!”

“Stop Your Cough” will stop your cough, (side effects “May turn your toes purple, unless you get the orange flavor.”).

“All employees must wash hands. Wave hands under toweling paper dispenser even if it is empty.” (The breeze will dry your hands.)

“This promotional offer is valid.” (except when it’s not.)

“This product will give you Peace of Mind.” (unless you haven’t got one.)
 
    WARNING!  In life, don’t let the fine print cloud your good judgement.

Esther Blumenfeld

EXPLODING PILLOWS

Since it’s party time, and so many of you enjoyed my horseback adventure on a ranch in Uruguay, I thought I’d share with you the best outdoor party I have ever attended. It was held in a place called Punta Tombo in Patagonia, Argentina at the Southern most tip of South America.

All of the males and females at the party wore tuxedos except for me. My son, Josh said, “Mom, you are not wearing a raincoat to that party!” and he sent me a warm Gore-Tex jacket.
As I walked up the steep hill toward the get-together, I heard what I thought was the braying of donkeys, but soon discovered that it was the welcoming sound made by thousands of Magellanic molting Penguins. I don’t know what they sound like after they replace their feathers, but since they were not yet waterproof, they had to stay on land for 2 to 3 weeks more, and I was privileged to walk among them.

I was lucky because it was near the end of the “catastrophic molt” and their appearance didn’t look like “exploding pillows” or “sweaters with holes in them.” These Penguins  had no fear of humans, so although I was forbidden to touch them, they’d run around and over my feet, and waddling along they had the right of way. One little fellow looked up at me and I think he said, “I’ll never be as tall as a Giraffe, but I’m a lot cuter, and I can shoot poop 3 feet up into the air to keep my nest clean.” You don’t see that in the movie HAPPY FEET.

“Walk like a Duck, quack like a Duck—you are a Duck” Waddle like a Penguin, blow salt out of your nose like a Penguin—you just might be a Penguin. Unlike some humans, Penguins mate for life. They reconnect with the same partner at the same burrow every year. The females recognize their mates by their calls such as, “Over here Ferdinanda.” I assume that some Penguins are named after the explorer Ferdinand Magellan who spotted them in 1520.

Looking down at the sea, I saw thousands of Penguins, on the vast beach, oiling their new feathers, as they prepared to return to the ocean to hunt for their dinner after a long fast. They eat krill, squid and yummy fish. Once the breeding season is over Magellanic Penguins go North to vacation in the waters of Peru and maybe the topless beaches of Brazil. It is a vacation after all!  And then, they return to Patagonia to breed, change into new tuxedos and carry on into March, when the chicks are mature enough to leave the colonies.

When I left the party, I reluctantly  said goodbye to my charming little hosts, wished them a good trip, and then changed from my adventuresome Gore-Tex Jacket back into my civilized  boring raincoat.

Esther Blumenfeld