WHO WROTE THAT?

After sending her some jokes that I had written, Phyllis Diller wanted more. She particularly liked the one where I wrote: “Zip Lock Bags. That’s what they used to call the Good Girls.”
However, what she paid barely covered the postage.  At that, I decided that as a professional  humor writer, not only did I want credit for what I wrote, but my work would never be cheap—better free than cheap.

A long-time speech writer for the Chairman of the Board of a large company asked for a raise. The Chairman said, “You are making enough money. I’m not giving you a raise.” A week later the Chairman was to deliver his yearly speech in front of hundreds of his employees. He stepped up to the dais, opened his speech portfolio, and read: “You are on your own— You S.O.B.” Historically, writers have been unfairly treated, even though everything you read has been written by someone— including the instructions on your medicine bottle.

By now, most of you are aware of the writer’s strike which involves 11,000 film, TV, news, radio and online writers. What they want is a stable pay structure as well as fairer deals that include residuals from streaming— as well as contract provisions for Artificial Intelligence (AI).

The 2023 Writer’s Strike is the first one since that last strike in 2007, when having writers on strike opened the door for TV Reality Shows such as “The Apprentice.” They were cheap since they didn’t need actors or writers. So, now, 600 Reality Shows have made it to TV.  In the 1960’s FCC Chairman, Newton Minnow said, “Television is a Vast Wasteland.” Now much of it has become a garbage dump with shows like, “The Housewives of Wherever” who shout at each other and expose their most intimate selves to millions of viewers.  Also, I know about the actors in the popular show, “Downton Abbey,”  but I am not familiar with the folks in “Duck  Dynasty, or those people who appear in “Pawn Stars” or “Dr. Pimple Popper.”

Years ago, Sid Caesar’s “Show of Shows” probably had the best stable of writers ever gathered in one place. They included Mel Brooks who went on as a performer as well as  writing and producing movies and plays. Neil Simon, the famous playwright, Larry Gelbart, (remember Mash and Mary Tyler Moore?) Carl Reiner, Woody Allen and many others.
Most comedians could not survive without their writers, and few are as spontaneous as Robin Williams. Bob Hope was a good guy, but he needed his writers…so it is rumored.

I had one experience writing for someone else. The first lesson is that when your words are coming out of someone else’s mouth, the words have to fit that person.  I like getting credit for my work, and did not especially want to write a funny speech for a big-wig from New Jersey who lived in Atlanta. When he approached me, I told him that I don’t do ghost writing, but he persisted. He finally said, “If you would do this, what would you charge?”  I thought if I quoted him an exorbitant amount, he’d finally back off.  No such luck. I was stuck. However, I did stipulate that before he delivered the speech, I would have to listen to it, so it would fit his personality.  

The speech was written, and he began to read it to me. He started by saying, “Haa, There, Ya’All.” I said, “What are you doing?”  He said, “I thought I should give this talk with a Southern  Accent.” Horrified, I said, “Whatever you do—DON’T DO THAT!” I took the money and ran. I never did hear him give that speech in front of an audience, but it was the one time, I was glad not to get the credit.

So, the next time you read something, even directions on a box on how to build something, be sure to have a bit of respect for the writer—unless a screw is missing and the directions are in Chinese.

Esther Blumenfeld

NAP TIME

I recently read an article about a study, where researchers reported that cooling the brain may help insomniacs fall asleep. They found that a specially designed cap, that circulates cold water, slows down activity in the frontal cortex and helps to promote sleep.

Some of my friends have insomnia. One woman I know dozes while watching television, and every night, she awakens just in time to get ready for bed. I, on the other hand, fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow, and I don’t wake up until the summer sun shines into my window at 5 a.m. Then I wake up hungry and ready to go hiking.

I once bragged, “I sleep like a log because I don’t have a guilty conscience.” Whereupon, a friend wryly replied, “Or no conscience at all.” Getting up at 5 a.m. does have its drawbacks, because at 1p.m. I have been up for 8 hours and need a nap. However, sometimes that doesn’t work out. So consequently I find myself dozing at inopportune times.

A boring lecture or inordinately long sermon puts me to sleep. I learned in college to sleep with my eyes open, but stopped doing it when they handed me my diploma. In the olden days, congregational ushers used to walk up and down the aisles to awaken snoozing congregants with the touch of a feather. Once I fall asleep, they’d have to hit me over the head with the entire chicken.

Oddly, there are times when my body rejects methods of artificial sleep. One shot of Novocain will never numb my tooth. Two shots of Novocain will never numb that tooth. I don’t know where the stuff goes, but when my toes get numb, the dentist knows he can start to drill.

Some people have tricks they use to fall asleep, such as counting backwards. I would NEVER do that, because I’d be afraid that I’d wake up with my gall bladder missing. I usually don’t sleep on airplanes, because I want to be alert when the flight attendants come barreling down the aisle, so they won’t run over my foot. However, on a long flight to China, against my better judgment, I did fall asleep. When the flight attendant shouted, “You want a drink?” I awakened and screamed, “Oh, My God!” and hit my head on the side of her cart.

My dreams must be very dull because I rarely remember them. So “To sleep, perchance to dream” doesn’t mean a damn thing to me. My in-laws had an oxymoronic sleeper sofa with a broken spring. It was like starring in a horror movie, ”Turn over and you are impaled.” That can definitely cause insomnia.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Oh, sleep, it is a gentle thing.” Coleridge)

SOOTHSAYING

Fortune tellers in Romania are not only being taxed, but authorities are now proposing a new bill that threatens fines or prison if their predictions don’t come true. In this economy there’s even a hex on witchcraft.

Recently, I declined an invitation to a philanthropic event that featured a psychic as entertainment. The woman who answered my telephone call said, “This man can tell you the name of any song you have playing in your head.”  I replied, “If he’s that good, he already knows I’m not coming. Besides, why do I want someone to tell me what tune is in my head when I already know?”

Obviously, I’m not big on mumbo jumbo. Some people swear by divination. I can wait 24 hours for tomorrow to arrive with all of its surprises, but there are those Nostradamus folks who want to predict the future in order to avoid the pratfalls in their path, or to be able to say, “See, I told you so.”

I admit that on occasion I have a taste for a fortune cookie, because the message is always cheery and I can eat the messenger, but I don’t take these little messages to heart.

For those who yearn to delve into the spooky, here are some specialties that might appeal to you, if you can find these folks:

Onychmancy:  Reading the future from reflections in a Virgin’s oiled fingernails. In the 21st Century, this may prove difficult. Never met a woman with oily fingernails.
Haruspex: Reader of entrails. You might want to ask your broker about this one.
Kephalonomancy: Tell the future from listening to the crackling made by burning a donkey’s head. PETA would object.
Hydromancy: It has to do with swirling waves and other wet activities, but the practitioners are a “reclusive lot.” This is probably because they have their heads under water.
Rumpology: This involves predictions by reading the lines on buttocks.  Certainly, there are some of those around.
Uromancy: Divination by reading bubbles made by urinating into a pot. This might work for toddlers.

Truth is absolutely stranger than fiction. Here is my advice: If you don’t like what your Horoscope tells you, pick another month. Enjoy the tea, and throw out the leaves, and if anyone reads your palm, use a hand sanitizer.

Esther Blumenfeld (Chinese Fire Rat)

WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?

This morning I went to my car to collect all of the left-over coupons offered by my favorite store, and then I destroyed them. BED, BATH,  and all of those useful products, have gone to the great store closing..BEYOND.

As far as I can remember, it began with the famous rivalry of two department stores in Midtown Manhattan—GIMBEL’S and MACY’S which were located two blocks from one another.  GIMBEL’S motto was “Nobody But Nobody Outsells GIMBEL’S.”  And, MACY’S countered with, “Does MACY’S Tell GIMBEL’S?”—a warning about giving secrets to ones competitor. Unfortunately, some of the secrets leaked out, because sadly eventually MACY’S swallowed GIMBEL’S which was the start of something BIG!

It seems, as if everywhere I lived, MACY’S did the dirty deed. MARSHALL FIELD’S was the gem of Chicago. MARSHALL FIELD’S  display windows, as well as magical children’s department, enchanted Chicago at Christmas time. MARSHALL FIELD’S,  the store famous for Frango Chocolate Mints—disappeared into the belly of MACY’S.

Then we moved to Atlanta, and shopped at Atlanta’s favorite department store, RICH’S, a trusted family establishment. People used to call RICH’S just to chat with their friendly telephone operators, and any merchandise could be returned if the customer wasn’t satisfied. Mothers even told their children, “If you don’t behave, I will return you to RICH’S.” When my son, Josh was a very little boy, I took him on his first city bus ride to RICH’S, where I treated him to lunch at the beautiful Magnolia Room.  What he liked the best was that I spilled a glass of Coca Cola (big medicine in Atlanta) on my white coat. Unknowingly, while I blissfully shopped at RICH’S, MACY’S took over DAVISON’S a major competitor, and then MACY’S also gulped down RICH’S.

However, now it seems “What goes around, comes around,” because since 2020 MACY’S has now targeted 125 of their own stores, and has probably closed one in a mall near you. It seems as if department stores will soon go the way of the flightless Dodo bird, including the closing of SEARS the store that absorbed “AND ROEBUCK” in 1895 when Alvah Roebuck didn’t like SEARS financial gambling, so he sold out his shares and remained at the firm as a repairman.

The AARP Bulletin, (May 2023) featured an article, “The Future of Shopping.” The writer claimed that “Upcoming shopping will be more engaging, and entertaining.” Right away I thought, “I don’t want a clown fitting bras.” The article also claimed that “Dressing rooms will be spa like retreats.” That will be lots of fun with a 2-year-old in tow. And, the article also enthused with, “Second hand goods will be sold on racks right next to new stock.” I guess they want to compete with popular Consign Stores. Also, major retailers are expanding to store-within-a store programs.  I wonder if this means that you can get your dog washed at MACY’S?

Then there’s all that digital stuff:  “Your phone is now a favorite store.” So, why would anyone ever have to leave home? I still like to browse in a store.  It can be educational and fun.  Running around looking for a salesperson is good exercise!  

Also, I don’t care where you buy your Frango Chocolate Mints. They will never taste as good as those I bought at MARSHALL FIELDS!

Esther Blumenfeld

SAY WHAT?

The day my son said to me, “Mom, no one uses that word anymore,” and I replied, “I just did!was the day I decided that the art of conversation has gone the way of callused thumbs.

Tapping a text message requires no colorful language, nuance and certainly no eye contact— except with your cell phone. So, before all is lost, here are some helpful hints for the conversationally challenged:

 It takes more than one person to have a conversation, and
 It helps if one has something worthwhile to say.  “I just flossed my teeth” is not stimulating chitchat.
Some people drone on and on  because they find the sound of their own voice extremely entertaining. A drone is a pilotless missile.
Silence does not always require sound. Pregnant pause does not necessarily require delivery.

It seems as if everyone likes to talk, but few people listen. Maybe it’s because if you are the only one speaking, you don’t have to hear what the other person wants to say. Sometimes that can be a lifesaver, but on the other hand, listening can be illuminating.

I often go to restaurants by myself, and have decided that eavesdropping is okay if the speakers at the next table have turned up their volume. However, out of compassion, I did tune out one couple after the woman exclaimed, “It’s not the egg roll Harold, it’s out whole life!” Not sure I wanted to hear the rest of that.

Some people talk very fast. They are from New York. The rest of the world is not. Some people mumble. That is a great cover for being a teenager, not knowing the answer to a question or having a mouthful of pasta.

My last two hints for the conversationally challenged are:

5. Do not say, “Get to the point,” because you can’t assume that there is one.
6. Don’t start a conversation with, “How are you?” You just might find out.

Esther Blumenfeld (say what?)