PROLOGUE

A good friend gave me a Bon Voyage card that read, “Live Life With No Excuses. Travel With No Regret.” Indeed!  Also, if you can get an answer to “Hvar-ersnyrtingin?” you’ve got it made in Iceland. However, before I fill you in about my adventures in that unique and beautiful European country (Yes, Iceland is in Europe— 800km to Scotland and 950km to Norway) I first want to regale you with what trip preparations look like in these Covid days.

Two weeks before my trip, I was exposed to Covid by a friendly, unmasked neighbor who was diagnosed after greeting me. Five days later, I tested Negative, and vowed to eat in my apartment and avoid well-meaning friends. Then, the next day I was notified that our streets were to be resurfaced, and we would have to move our cars out of the carports if we didn’t want our tires imbedded in cement. Of course, the date for all of this activity was flexible, so I had to give my car key to someone. It was beyond me how the folks in charge could schedule a resurfacing in the Monsoon rainy season, but before I tried to reason this out, another problem arose.

My hair-cutting lady called to let me know that she was stuck in Utah because she had missed her plane on the way back to Tucson from Cancun. The date of my departure was imminent. However the haircut date had to be changed. I hoped she would return in time because my hair was starting to look more like Ringo’s than Paul’s.

Packing was difficult because I knew the weather would be cool. Crossing the Arctic Circle was a tip-off. The operational words involved “layer your clothes.” This was no small feat going from 105 degree heat to the 50 degree summer weather of Iceland. Consequently, I stuffed as much as I could into an oversized purse made from parachute material. I was prepared for any occasion—and a small carry-on bag—fearing the loss of my suitcase.

OK! Ready Set Go! But wait! First I was taking two flights to Washington, DC to spend a day with my son, Josh and daughter-in-law Barbara before the three of us would fly to Reykjavik.
Now it was time to start worrying!

What if I get stuck in the elevator on my way down from my apartment to the lobby?
Will my limo driver get me to the airport on time. Is a 4:30 am pick-up early enough?
Will my plane be cancelled?
Will my Dallas connection connect?
Will my suitcase arrive to Washington, DC with me?
Will the three of us pass the ship’s required Covid Test at the Dulles Airport?
Will the driver be at the Iceland Airport in the morning to take us to the Borg Hotel?

By now, I had nothing left to worry about except ‘Hvar-ersnyrtingin. Luckily, almost everyone in Iceland speaks English, so finding a toilet would be easy.

More to follow…Arriving in Reykjavik.

Esther Blumenfeld

YOUR TRASH--MY TREASURE

After OH, LORD I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA was published, my book received rave reviews, and eventually sold close to a quarter- of- a- million copies.  One day, I received a copy of OH LORD, I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA in the mail. It was accompanied by a scathing letter, “I am sending you this book. I will not read it, because you are taking the name of the Lord in vain.”

I was censored! Of course I never responded. After all, someone had paid for the book and did not ask for a refund, but I assumed that she considered herself a very religious person. Had I written to her, I might have spoiled her day by pointing out the the Bible contains some “dangerous content”:  Sex (David and Bathsheba), Abuse (Slavery), Undocumented Refugees (Mary and Joseph fleeing to protect baby Jesus) and bibles of all religions depict some form of violence along with the good stuff.

Censoring books is an age old phenomena because the pen really can be “mightier than the sword.” However, the recent Fascist pleasure of burning books in the U.S. takes censorship to a whole other level. The American Library Association condemns censorship and tries diligently to ensure free access to information. Every year the Office For Intellectual Freedom compiles a list of the “Top Ten” most challenged books to inform the public about censorship in libraries and schools. Surveys indicate that 82-97% of documented censorship requests to remove materials are unreported.

Among the ten most challenged books from 2001-2021 are books that many of you have probably read—OH, MY! and many of them have been written by Pulitzer Prize and Nobel Prize
winning authors, or other award winning authors.  Here are just a few samples:

TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD, (Harper Lee) “negative effects on students’ perception of the Black experience.” OF MICE AND MEN (John Steinbeck) “negative effect on students.” THE HANDMAIDS TALE, (Margaret Atwood) “profanity, vulgarity, sexual overtones.” HARRY POTTER SERIES, (J.K. Rowling) “referring to magic and witchcraft contains actual curses and spells.” CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS SERIES, (written and illustrated Dav Pilkey) “encouraging disruptive behavior,” THE KITE RUNNER (Khaled Hosseni) “leads to terrorism and promotes Islam.” SEX IS A FUNNY WORD (Cory Silverberg) “addresses sex education and leads children to ask questions about sex.” THE HUNGER GAMES (Suzanne Collins) “dangerous viewpoint.”
BELOVED (Toni Morrison) “sexually explicit, religious viewpoint, violence.” MY MOM HAS A BABY! A KID’S MONTH-BY-MONTH GUIDE TO PREGNANCY (Dori Hillestad Butler) “nudity, sex education.” I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS (Maya Angelou) “offensive language, sexually explicit.” THE CATCHER IN THE RYE (J.D. Salinger) “offensive language.”

I could go on and on in this BRAVE NEW WORLD of television, computers and smart phones. Who needs books when you can have television programs such as:
THE BACHELOR (plenty of sex and nudity), NCIS the team tracks a serial killer (violence), MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT (probably lots of bad language at second sight), FOOTBALL (violence), LOVE,LIGHTS AND CHANUKAH ((religion), MYSTERIES OF THE UNKNOWN-A SEWER GLOB THREATENS A CITY (dirty, icky and occult) and then there is FOX NEWS ( political magic and witchcraft and offensive language).

So, when we open the box of censorship one person’s perceived trash is another person’s treasure.For instance there is a commercial on TV with women sitting on toilets “Women Pooping on TV.”  I’m not sure what they are selling, but I’m not buying!  So should this ad be wiped clean? Or, should you just change the channel? I guess that sitting on a throne and ordering the murder of your enemies in a TV series just might be worse than a few women doing what comes natural—even in public.  So it goes…

Esther Blumenfel

BARRELING ON

Did you ever wonder about what constitutes a full barrel? Newscasters plague us with the costs of a barrel of crude oil which holds about 42 gallons. Being regulated by customs or laws a barrel of wine holds about 31 1/2 gallons—a 1/2 gallon more than a 31 gallon of beer.

Nowadays, Congress seems to be composed of a barrel full of monkeys—without offering us a barrel full of laughs. Their recent decisions have left us hanging over a barrel. In the olden days that meant “dragged over a barrel, getting a flogging and helpless with little chance of choice”

However, in this day and age we have a choice. Just because a few rotten apples can spoil a barrel is no reason that with our votes we can’t let them have it with both barrels.

Also, it seems as if some of the members of the Supreme Court have been scraped from the bottom of the barrel. We can stop staring down the barrel of a gun by voting for Senators who will take all of this bull by the horns and will strengthen our laws.

If the American voters will come out and vote in large numbers, we can rid ourselves of lies, and the self-serving politicians (both locally and nationally) who disdain the Constitution of the United States and crave tyrannical power.

It’s as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Esther Blumenfeld

SOMETIMES STUCK

On a rainy afternoon, I spent an hour thinking about glue. So what do YOU think about on a rainy day?  

There are many different meanings when talking about glue. For instance, at a wedding someone might say about the groom, “Look at him. He’s really stuck on his bride.” A few years later that same person might say, “Look at him. Now, he’s stuck with her.” Unfortunately, sometimes a relationship can be defined by a wayward preposition.

On the other hand, it’s a fact that many times a family is held together by one person—the glue that keeps them all together. When that person dies, often the whole Kit and Caboodle become unstuck. And what about the egotist who’s stuck on himself?

Gerald Ford said that “Trust is based on integrity. It’s  the glue that holds the government together.” Unfortunately, he forgot to say it to Richard Nixon, which brings to mind that invisible (latent) finger prints can be made visible by Permabond Glue. Also, you can make women more beautiful by bonding fingernails and false eyelashes or gluing extensions on stringy hair.  And, in a TV advertisement, people glue their false teeth, so they can eat corn on the cob—even when it’s not in season.

For me, Gorilla Glue has become my best friend, but I learned early on to wear rubber gloves, since the first time I fixed a broken something, I ended up with only 3 usable fingers. Now my fingers are intact, and I have been able to help friends repair their broken items which sometimes helps to repair sweet memories.

Writing is a very solitary profession, and through the years I was often tempted, when facing a deadline, to glue myself to my chair.  If you think that being enamored with glue is strange remember the actor Michael Constantine, the loving Dad in the movie, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING.  He used Windex Spray to cure all ills.

Here’s a bit of advice.  If you listen carefully to what people say, you will realize that some thoughts will stick like glue.

Esther Blumenfeld

SAME VOICE

It gives me pane to sea Putin’s bear chest to aye his mussels. Parish the thought that he could chews too by a shirt. You’d think that the Knight of the Living Dead could write a Czech to afford to bye one, butt he’s probably two  cheep. It is a reel fax that Russia is running out of cache.  Give me a brake!

That paragraph is an example of some earthy Homophones that sound the same as other words, but have a different meaning, and to make it more difficult sometimes Homophones are even spelled the same way such as: watch, tear and fly.

“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” (Doug Larson)  And, if you have ever laughed at someone with an accent, remember she speaks more than one language.

The reason I bring all of this up is that you Native English Speakers have no inkling of how difficult it is to learn the robust English language. However, lots of people who were born into it tend to abuse it when it gets in their way.  I should know, because I had to learn English when I was a three-year-old who spoke fluent German when my parents and I escaped the Nazis in 1939. “Only English” was the rule in our home, since my Father, who was already fluent in seven languages, had to improve his pronunciation and English language skills to remain successful in his profession. For instance, when he conducted his first funeral, he asked the President of the Congregation if he had done all right. The President was complimentary, but suggested that the next time Dad might want to say, “The man was deceased…not diseased.”

Rules or no rules, I wanted none of it! I, the stubborn child, wanted everyone to speak the way I did. Mother was quite concerned, but Dad said, “Don’t worry, the children in the neighborhood will teach her English.” Everyday, when I came into the house after playing outside, Mother would ask (in German) “Did you learn any English today?”And everyday I would shake my head “NO!” However after a week, she asked again, “Did you learn any English today?” I smiled, looked at her, and said, “Shit, Booger, Fart!” Hooray, I was an American. Of course, we all became fluent in English. One room in our home was a library, and Dad told me, “You can read any book you can reach without standing on a chair,” and he knew he had it made when he dreamed in English.

I not only learned the English language, I fell in love with it, and eventually my love affair with beautiful, expressive words became my career. However, English is an ever-changing language constantly in flux. Sometimes, I will use a word, and my son, Josh will say, “Mom, no one uses that word anymore,” and I will reply, “I do.” Other times some words fly away with the winds of extinction, and probably rightfully so. Other times, I find that there are words that I do not understand—especially those involving new technologies—even when I look them up.

So, I realize that the limits of my language draw the limits of my world, but that’s okay. When my parents moved to a retirement community, someone asked my Father, “Is it difficult for you to move?” He replied, “Not as long as I have my books.  My books are my portable homeland.”

Esther Blumenfeld