TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

An article I read re-affirmed that breakfast is the most important meal of the day—so I had two of them. I figure that if too much of a good thing is bad for you, then too much of a bad thing must be worse. Given a choice, I will take the good thing every time. Mae West said, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough!”

My husband, Warren was a generous man, but he really hated shopping. For instance, when I tried on two dresses in a fancy store, I asked him, “Which one should I buy?”  He replied, “Get both of them. Can we go home now?”  It made him happy when I bought things for myself, but occasionally he would bring me a gift— such as on the day, when I picked him up at the Commuter Rail Station. He smiled and handed me a very large bouquet of flowers. I thanked him, but noticed that they looked a bit wilted (the flowers not my husband), and  were tied together with a black ribbon. Suspiciously, I said, “These flowers are really beautiful. Where did you get them?” “Well,” he answered, “You know that today was the funeral of Senator Flinkus.” “Yes,” I replied. He said, “ They were for sale on the street, but at the end of the day, sellers were giving them away to commuters, so I thought you’d like to have a bunch.”  I said, “That was a very sweet thought Dear, but I am glad you didn’t bring me the funeral wreath.”

Warren was definitely a “good thing” so I appreciated the lobster he brought me from Boston, and the loaf of Sour Dough Bread stuffed in his suitcase from San Francisco.  After all, this was the kid who had given a basketball to his petite Mother on her birthday. However, his two offices—one at the University and the other at home— were definitely too much of a good thing.

Because he was involved in many research projects and made 10 copies of everything, his mess grew and grew. Had he thrown a few beans, into the piles of paper, he could have probably climbed up and met a giant. At the University, his graduate students would knock at the door, and ask, “Dr. Blumenfeld, are you in there?” And, I entered him in the “Messiest Office in Atlanta” contest.  He came in second. It seems a guy from IBM was a much bigger information hoarder. I used to tell people, “My husband suffers from piles.”

Too much of a good thing can be taxing—just ask your accountant.

Often “Stuff” we collect can be overwhelming, and you never know how much is too much unless you move. Then you realize that you have to rid yourself of the clutter. After all, when you get settled in your new place, you can always collect more. The best way to get rid of “Stuff” is to give it to your kids, so they can add it to their clutter, and if you feel nostalgic, you can visit the beautiful things you used to own.

Certain people can’t get rid of anything. They love to hang on. Unfortunately hanging on to old ideas, and memories of harmful relationships, can be too much of a bad thing. Clutter is not always physical stuff. It’s really better to visit the beautiful memories and share them with the people you love. Too much of a bad thing can spoil the broth.

For instance, when you are cooking, too much salt can ruin the dish.  However, when you are really cooking it’s always good to add some wine. However, when you cook with wine, don’t forget to add it to the food, but if you do—sometimes— that’s when too much of a good thing may be just about right. Cheers!

Esther Blumenfeld

HOOAH!

I’ve never served in the military, but when I was a little girl, during World War II,
my Father was a Chaplin at The Army/Air Force Base in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. When the jeep picked him up at our home, I’d go along for the ride. My Father said that my presence would help the morale of the soldiers who missed their own children. For me, it was lots of fun, and I learned early on that the military has its own creative language called, “Military Slang.” It is filled with acronyms and insider phrases that aren’t usually understood by civilians or— for sure— little girls.

Recently, I discovered a 400 page dictionary of military terms. One of the reasons that the military has its own lingo is probably in part because of the thousands of acronyms that the Department of Defense foists on its employees. Some of these military words or phrases have gotten into the vernacular partly because of Hollywood.  For instance, What’s with “Chow?” Why can’t a solider just say, “Food?” Maybe it’s because “Chow” is a better term when you are standing in line at the “Mess Hall” and the server throws tapioca pudding on top of your mashed potatoes. The “Scuttle butt” is that the brown baseball on your plate is meatloaf.

Most of us have heard the terms: “Boot” (recruit in Boot Camp), “Grunt” (Infantryman in the U.S. Army or Marine Corps), “Leatherneck” (Marine or John Wayne),or “Dear John Letter”(a sad letter to end a relationship).  One of my favorites is “Snafu” (situation normal: all f’ed up).
But, perhaps you have never heard, “Susfu Situation”(situation unchanged: still f’ed up) or
“Tarfu”( totally and royally f’ed up.)

Just for fun, I’ve chosen some PG Rated Military Slang Sayings for your enjoyment.
When he was a “Boot,” my husband, Warren had to pass a marksmanship test, and it was required that he hit all of the bullseyes..far, far away. Unfortunately, marksmanship was not his strong suit, but friendship was, so he hit more bullseyes than the number of rounds in his rifle. Happily, he was not a “Bolo” (someone who can’t pass marksmanship training). He also learned not to be an “Oxygen Thief” ( a recruit who talks too much.)

“Dynamited Chicken” is Navy slang referring to Chicken a la King. “Fangs” is a Marine Corps term for teeth, and “Five-Sided Puzzle Palace” is the Pentagon. Ribbons and medals worn on uniforms are “Chest Candy,” and maps presented by Military Intelligence are “Comics.”

Acronyms are invented to drive people insane. However, those serving in our military deal with them with alacrity. “PMS” is Professor of Military Science, and Marine Corps Planning Process depends on how you say it “MC—pee pee.” A “Rain Shower” is a shower, and a “Sky Blossom” is a parachute.

So much creativity…So little time, but when I came to ICBM, I decided not to touch that one with a six foot pole.

Esther Blumenfeld

THE FIX IS IN

My voicemail kept telling me “You have a new message, but then immediately said, “You have no new messages on your phone—Beep! Beep! Beep!” I was being gas lighted by my telephone. That’s not entirely true. If my voicemail said, “You have three messages on your phone,” I could listen to two of them, but the mysterious one was never there.

When the phone in my bedroom started beeping at 2 a.m., and then shone a flashing light into my eyes, I shouted, “I’ll talk!  “I’ll talk! Just give me someone to talk to.” It was time to call my Xfinity Provider. In case you don’t know it, when Comcast was told that everyone hated them, they changed their name to Xfinity.

So, I hid my phone in the bathroom at night, and called Xfinity in the morning. After calling three times, I was told by three different technicians in the Philippines that, “You are  a longtime favorite customer and consequently you are eligible for some perks.” I finally told the last technician what he could do with his perks. All I wanted was to get my phone fixed. The other two had only taken an hour each before they referred me to him—“The Expert.”  He futzed around for another hour and finally said, “Someone will have to come to your home to fix the override related issue. I can get someone there tomorrow between l p.m. and 3 p.m. It should only be a five-minute fix, and there will be no charge.”

Since it would only take five minutes, I requested that the local technician come at 1 p.m. so I wouldn’t have to waste my whole day waiting for him. Luckily, the Xfinity Guy arrived at 1 p.m. He played the voicemail and said, “It says, ‘You have a new message. You have no new messages.” I replied, “I know. The technician in the Philippines  said that I have an override related issue. I don’t know what that means, but I hope you do.”

After an hour-and-a-half with my technician talking to another technician on his not so Smart Phone, he said, “I have to leave for another appointment.” Whereupon I said, “The Expert Technician“ in the Philippines said you could fix this in five minutes.  You think it’s the time difference?” He replied, “Don’t worry, I will give you a ticket.” I said, “I don’t want to have to go to court over this.”  He said, “Not that kind of ticket. This will send your problem to the Xfinity Engineers, and they will have your problem fixed within 72 hours.”  “That’s three days,” I replied.  “Why couldn’t my voice mail problem have been sent to them when it started?”  He said, “I don’t know why Xfinity does what it does.  I just work for them, but I had a  very nice visit with you.”

After one more night of hiding my phone in the bathroom, I woke up to a smooth dial tone—no more beeping, no more lights in my eyes, and the little woman hiding in my phone didn’t have to lie to me anymore about a message that wasn’t there.

I don’t know how that Engineer got into my bathroom, but I’m glad he fixed my voicemail.  I just wonder if he used the guest towel when he was finished.

Esther Blumenfeld

ON THE RACK

Question:  “How are you?” Answer:  “Compared to whom?”
(Lynne Hansher)

For  those of you who have a lot on your mind, others have a lot on their plate. By any other name; “burned out, exhausted, undone, unstrung, edgy, tense, aggravated, or knackered,” Yes! even the Brits get—-what we call STRESSED!

So, what do experts tell us to do when we are “coming apart at the seams?” First, the best way to cope with stress is to get a good night’s sleep, which infers that you still have to get up in the morning, and pretend that it’s not Monday. Being overwhelmed at work is a common reason for stress. That’s why Monday is the least favorite day of the week. British comic writer, John Wagner asks, “If every day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Mondays?”  Since Monday starts the work week, maybe a name change might help. Maybe people would be less stressed if we re-named Monday and called it Friday. Mondays are like kidney stones, but they do pass.

Medical School Professor, Herbert Benson also advises that taking 10 slow, deep breaths  helps a person to relax.  However, if you’re not into breathing,  physical exercise is recommended, but it is a scientific fact that lifting weights is better for you than lifting several bottles of beer, because in that case the only exercise you get is extending your belly. Also, it is good to stretch out those tense muscles, but throwing out your back won’t ease your tension.

Imagination is a way to relax such as visualizing that you are in your favorite vacation place. I advise, that in your mind, you leave the four teenagers at home.

I guess that mindfulness is different than just relaxing, because mindfulness is recommended to bring you back to the moment—breaking those stressful thoughts. So, if you are a fireman fighting a blaze, in order to feel less burned out—just get mindful— have a cup of tea, and notice the warmth in your hands.

A good brisk walk outside is a method to begin feeling less uneasy, and remember when you say to yourself, “I’ve had it up to here,” that you are a lot shorter than your best friend who is six feet tall, so she’s had it “Up to there,” which is a lot more than here!

My dear mother-in-law countered negative thoughts by telling me, “Dear, don’t tell me when you’ve had an argument with my son, because after you’ve kissed and made up, I will still be angry with him!”

Of course, positive self talk should help get one out of a funk.  Tell yourself, “I can do this!” “I am smart and I have handled bigger problems before!”  Try to keep things in perspective to buffer the stress, and maybe, just maybe you will discover, that it really isn’t worth all of the angst.

My way to combat stress is to ask myself, “Is it worth dying over?” Of course it’s not.  However, it might be worth treating myself to  a bowl of ice cream. It’s a given fact that stress cannot exist in the proximity of ice cream, and it is certainly more delicious than “biting someone’s head off.” And, Oh, Yes, Don’t worry about the calories, that’s stress for another day.


Esther Blumenfeld

LULABY AND GOOD NIGHT

My husband, Warren was convinced that his graduate students were all narcoleptics who could sleep through class with their eyes open. Ironically, “World Sleep Day 2022” is on March 18th which would have been his 88th birthday.

World Sleep Day is an annual event, celebrating sleep, held the Friday before the spring equinox of each year. It is hosted by the World Sleep Society (WSS) a nonprofit based in the United States. The slogan for 2022 is, “Quality Sleep, Sound Mind, Happy World.” The organizers must have been asleep when they came up with that slogan.  I like the “Quality Sleep” part, but when listening to some of our politicians where in the heck did they come up with “Sound Mind?”  And, “Happy World?” That takes a sound mind.

Of course, sleep can be a relaxing activity unless you are like my friend who called to tell me that she had just woken up and is exhausted, because in her dream she was cooking all night.
“I was chopping, grating, slicing and peeling all night, but the worst part is that I had to throw away an egg! I can’t talk anymore I’m going back to bed.”

Some people have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, and others find it difficult to get up early in the morning. I’m pretty good at the getting up part, but unfortunately I wake up with a new hairstyle every morning. I guess that I toss, turn and stand on my head a lot. Also,  my requirement is  that I sleep in a pitch black room. Other people like ankle lights that lead them to the bathroom. The only time I have trouble falling asleep is when I suffer from magnified thoughts such as, “What are the names of all of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence?”

 Sleep uninterrupted can be a rare thing. As Anthony Burgess said, “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.”  I have often thought that the FBI could get a criminal to talk by putting an adorable, tiny baby with big lungs next to his cell at 2 a.m. That kid could really play the sleep deprivation game. “I’ll talk.  I’ll talk.” Just make him stop!”

In case you really want to know, “World Sleep Day” is copyrighted with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (serial number 85274932). Maybe you could use those numbers instead of counting sheep.

When I told a friend “I sleep really well. ”He said, “That’s because you don’t have a guilty conscience.”  I replied, “Or, perhaps it’s because I have no conscience at all.”

Sleep on it!

Esther Blumenfeld