FAITH, HOPE AND YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING

I am on every charities hit list. Every time I open my mailbox, it is filled with new solicitations. Don’t get me wrong, I choose to give a fair share of my yearly income to worthy causes that I want to support. Sometimes, in a weak moment, I even give additional donations to bell ringers, groups who want to improve our planet or kids who sell unhealthy stuff for their school or scout troop. However, I draw the line when people I don’t know want me to send them money to save my soul. Their tracts get recycled—“dust to dust,” as the saying goes.

Who do you suppose, designs those address labels that accompany solicitation letters? I have received pictures of dogs, cartoon characters, flowers, ships, butterflies, and more flowers. If you like flowers, send those folks $1.00 and you’ll receive many more labels---enough to plant a garden. Most of these labels don’t know what to call me, so I end up being a “Ms.” whatever that means.

The more heavy-handed approach to asking for money involves “free gifts.” I thought all gifts were free. I have received greeting cards, notepads, calendars, pens and my very favorite free gift---an actual “In God We Trust” American nickel. These unsolicited items are supposed to invoke guilt, which in turn, will transform the favor into an un-free gift. I don’t know how many nickels are mailed to strangers, but I do know that 20 nickels make a $1.00. If they are rich enough to send people free money, why do they want more?

Although I have a “no solicitation” order on my telephone, occasionally a numbskull, who can’t pronounce my name, gets on the line. The last conversation I had with one of these folks went something like this:

Hello
Hello, is this Mrs. Blumper?
No. There is no one here by that name.
That’s okay. Would you be able to send money to our charity?
I don’t take phone solicitations. Can you send me information about your charity?
No. But could you send us some money anyway?
Why can’t you send me any information?
We don’t do that, because we don’t have any information to send.
Why do you think that I’d send money to an organization I’ve never heard of, who has no information about itself?
Because other people do.
Well, they are stupid.
In that case, could you send us $5.00?
NO! Not even 5 cents! Take me off your list.
Can’t do that. We don’t have a list.

Esther Blumenfeld (stick it to me)