SNACK TIME

For awhile, 90% of school service providers—those ladies with nets on their hair and rubber gloves brandishing spatulas—were serving well-balanced fruits, vegetables and whole grain diets for children, as proposed by the USDA (US Department of Health and Home Services).

Now, the gloves have come off, and standards are being rolled back. Potatoes have reappeared as favored vegetables. Granted, what kid wouldn’t prefer munching on a french fry, than devouring  green beans with his greasy hamburger? Or, even better, pass a bag of chips.

To make matters more complicated, three square meals a day are rare occasions in many households, where “50% of all eating involves snacks that provide 25% of our caloric intake.” (Jill Weisenberger, M.S.,R.D.N Environmental Nutrition.) And, scientists tell us that more than one-fifth of snacks are “pointless.” For instance, it’s easy to snack when you are bored, and often a clump of grapes just don’t have the appeal that a dish of chocolate ice cream does.

So what can we do to avoid aimless snacking? The International Food Information Council Foundation offers a list of ways to avoid “pointless and potentially harmful eating habits.” They also recommended that, “you should start your own list.”  So, I took that suggestion:  Here is their list, combined with mine:

“Go play with your pet, and if you don’t have a pet get a hobby.”  Twiddling your thumbs might be a really good hobby, because it’s really difficult to eat while your thumbs are moving really fast.

Another suggestion was, “Chat with a friend.” It helps if you call the friend who will invite you to a backyard barbecue.

“Listen to uplifting music.” The Star Spangled Banner will give you some exercise.

“Read a book.” preferably not a cookbook such as, Eating My Way Through Mississippi.

“Practice a hobby such as photography.” Avoid taking pictures of food trucks.

“Spend time meditating.” Your mantra should be, “sardines are good for you.” And, finally;

“Think about your meals and try to be positive.” If you think hard enough you should be able to solve the question, “Where did I hide those cookies?”

I admit that eating right is important for overall health. I also know that occasional snacks probably won’t kill you, unless you choke on a kernel of popcorn. But, it’s probably not a good idea to snack your life away. That’s where your conscience can get you. However, Steven Wright does remind us that, “a conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

Esther Blumenfeld

VERBATIM MAYBE

Steven Wright in one of his clever monologues, reminds us that,”Half the people you know are below average.” So, it’s not surprising that those folks have trouble discerning between fact and fiction. However, even the brightest among us can get caught when navigating between truth and pretend truth—not only on the internet, but also on our television screens and in some periodicals.

It bears repeating that if it’s “FAKE,” it’s made up gibberish. Anonymity helps those who spread their own made up truths on the internet, and suddenly anyone can, with impunity, claim to be a journalist or an authority.

I suggest that before reading anything, you look to the source. However, watch out, because even in print, sometimes a piece is not written by who you think it is written. Sometimes a paid ghost writer is hired to influence readers. Whether it’s on your I-Pad or on your computer, if you see that the author belongs to an institute you have never heard of— Beware! Look it up!

For instance, a person on the acting board of Clunk-Head Institute might not be best qualified to write an expose about a candidate for public office, whom he has exposed in his book, published by CHI that you can buy for $1.95.

I like reading letters to the editor in my newspaper, because when people submit their opinions they have to sign their names. In other words, they claim responsibility for what they write, and those letters are vetted by reputable editors—unlike anonymous letters from Russian hacks submitted on our computers.

Recently, one of my favorite letters appeared in the Arizona Daily Star. The author wrote, “I have always thought amusing the story of the Emperor Caligula who reportedly appointed his horse, Incitatus to the Roman Senate.” The author then stated his opinion of a recent political appointment adding, “At least those Romans got the whole horse.”

If someone tells you he read a news story about something, ask him where he read it. I’ll bet nine times out of ten he won’t remember.

When I was writing my humor columns for Business Atlanta Magazine, a man told me that he liked my story that had been published in the New York Times, so much, that he had it framed.
I said, “Thank You.” Perhaps, I should have corrected him, but he was so happy that he had done that. Who was I to correct him?

Misinformation can be so dangerous, because when a lie is intentionally repeated often enough, it becomes propaganda, and people are swayed by planned untruths to influence their behavior—usually in a negative way— by those who have a nefarious agenda.
These are not facts that have been gathered by scrupulous  journalists and vetted by honest editors. This can include junk science and advertisements that want to sell you any poison pill that you are willing to swallow.

And remember, as Steven Wright says, “82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

Before you believe that, consider the source.

Esther Blumenfeld

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

I can’t imagine that anyone wants to be confronted by an angry phlebotomist, but that’s exactly what happened to me, last week, while having blood drawn in preparation for my annual physical. In all fairness, the blood lady, usually sweet and friendly, had just returned from a two-day vacation, and her substitute had changed the password on her computer as well as re-arranging her supplies, so naturally she was upset, and—lucky me—I was her first patient of the day.

This technician is very good at what she does, so the needle went in at first poke, but while siphoning blood from my vein into tiny glass vials, her cellphone rang, and it was her boss, whom she had been trying to reach. Consequently, this was the strangest one-handed blood draw I had ever experienced. After a heated exchange with the person on the other end of the conversation, she hung up and mumbled something about quitting. I said, “I hope you won’t do that before you remove the needle from my arm.” When finished, she withdrew the needle and twisted a bandage very tightly around my arm.  I was so grateful that it was my arm and not my neck. This experience did remind me of the time the phlebotomist had no fingers, but that’s another story.

So, this event got me to thinking about other times I had unexpected experiences, such as the red-nosed waiter (not named Rudolph) who couldn’t stop coughing as he brought me my soup.

Or, a friend who asked me to tell a joke about the punchline.

Or, when I took a train from Washington, D.C. to New York City with my son and daughter-in-law, and when we arrived, and jumped into a cab, and my son said, “Please, take us to the Brooklyn Hilton,” and the taxi driver replied, “Where’s Brooklyn?”

When I was a kid, my parents sent me, for a week, to the the best summer camp they could afford. I thought the out-houses quaint, and enjoyed paddling about in the swimming hole until I got out of the water with leeches clinging to my body. The counselor said, “Don’t pull them off,” and proceeded to burn them off with her cigarette lighter. Ah, the good old days in South Dakota when people could smoke.

All of us hope for uneventful airplane trips and pray that there won’t be any disruptions Does a screaming toddler in the middle seat count?

I have experienced  the surprise of a dog owner who said, “Don’t worry, my dog never bites.”
Who would have thought?

And, don’t you just love the, “Back in five minutes,” sign.  Five minutes from when?

I once took a hike in the mountains after the weather lady on TV promised, “It’s not supposed to rain until tonight.” Unfortunately, she hadn’t said anything about thunder and lightening.

And, as a young bride, when I made my first meatloaf, I certainly did not expect my husband to drink three cups of it!

Yes, indeed, Life is full of surprises. As Steven Wright would say, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.”

Esther Blumenfeld

ROLL OVER

ROLL OVER

Sometimes, a newspaper headline will grab me, and other times it will grab my funny bone. On January 9, 2000, on the Business Page of the Arizona Daily Star, I read, “Robot that fetches toilet paper among gadgets at Electronics Show.” The Electronics Show was held in Las Vegas which convinces me that some things that turn up in Las Vegas should really stay in Las Vegas.

The article explained that, “A robot can fetch toilet paper when you are stranded on the loo.” It went on to explain that this robot also can“keep track of the elderly from afar.” Why, in the world, would someone want a close up of an old codger sitting on the “loo?” And, although privacy seems to be a luxury of the past, who would want a 6” tall robot, with the face of a bear, keeping him company in the bathroom? (even if it can fetch a fresh roll of toilet paper.)
Now, a Pillsbury Doughboy robot, in your kitchen, who fetches fresh rolls (the other kind) may be appealing, but only if it can also scramble eggs, make pancakes and pour coffee.

Proctor and Gamble, the company that owns Charmin Toilet Paper does not plan to sell toilet paper fetching robots. Personally, I always preferred Mr. Whipple who stopped at squeezing the stuff, and never intruded into the bathroom like Proctor and Gambles cartoon bears. Why can’t they just hibernate somewhere else?

Another invention at the Electronics Show, which was mentioned in the article, is a gizmo that monitors water leaks from your alarm system and tracks usage. If the system tracks more water than is usually running through the lines, the monitor will automatically shut off your water. That sensor might really be helpful unless you are doing your laundry, running the dishwasher, and taking a shower—all at the same time. Oops!

So, let’s get back to tracking the old folks. The article says, “What are your Grandparents up to?  Sensors can monitor the elderly from afar.” These gadgets can let you know if your loved one has  gotten out of the reclining chair and moseyed into the kitchen for a can of beer, and can track how often the refrigerator is opened. And, it can measure if your dear one has showered  by measuring the humidity in the bathroom. I’m not sure if a robot with fresh rolls of toilet paper and three cartoon bears make a difference in that measurement.

And here’s the best news, the sensor can let your family know which rooms have been mostly occupied. George Orwell would love this stuff! The article did not explain just what happens when there is an unusual amount of activity in the bedroom, and the kids find out that Grandma has taken a boyfriend.

The University of Arizona is presenting a Forum to help students plan for an automated future. I doubt if unplugging your ear devices, making eye contact, and carrying on a real conversation with a real person is part of the curriculum. However, I do hope that taking good care of your thumbs is included.

Esther Blumenfeld

YUCK

YUCK

“Icky” may be an old fashioned word, but I can’t think of one more appropriate for the latest hands-on museum, that opened in October, in The Big Apple. I always thought that weird phenomena began on the West Coast and worked it’s way East, but this time the 8000-Square Foot SLOOMOO INSTITUTE, dedicated to slime, definitely wins the Off The Wall prize.

Sloomoo (replace the vowels in slime with “oo”) costs $38 a ticket in order for a customer to participate one time in the 6-month celebration of “everything slime.” A person can even don a poncho and goggles to be doused in the stuff, but if you want that experience, it will cost another $30.  I think handy-wipes are free.

Granted, it is a messy experience, but devotees of slime claim a health benefit when playing with the stuff. It makes them feel “rejuvenated and relaxed.” Some people get euphoric “brain tingles,” (there is an assumption in there somewhere) a sensory experience called ASMR (autonomous sensory median response) not only from playing with slime, but also from watching slime videos. Anyway, I guess it’s kind of like getting goosebumps from hearing a rousing speech or listening to a bit of moving music.

Obviously, there’s money in slime.  Politicians have known this for a long time. Nichole Jackyline, of Grand Rapids, Michigan is a top slimer enlisted by Sloomoo. She’s been on You- Tube since 2013, and brings in between $5000 and $10,000 a month selling slime making merchandise and supplies on-line.

Finally, trying not to be too dismissive, such as calling slime devotees, deplorable, I discovered  that slime has been around for a long time. Exactly, what is slime? Technically speaking, it is a “cross-linked polymer” scientifically known as a “non-Newtonian fluid.” The history of slime goes way back to the 1830’s when polymer scientists, Nathaniel Hayward and Friedrich Lundersdorf found that adding sulphur to raw natural rubber prevented it from getting sticky.

In 1968, SILLY PUTTY went to the moon on Apollo 8, and in 1976 Mattel came out with a jiggly slime toy in a plastic garbage can. Nickelodeon has used slime to dose contestants starting in the 1980’s. And in 2014 slime videos fromThailand spread all over the world.

I guess all of this slime can’t hurt people unless they try smoking it. Personally, I’d rather get goosebumps from Martin Luther King’s, “I Have a Dream” speech. I know that many of my friends get that reaction from hearing the song, “Amazing Grace.” But to be fair, some speeches as well as tunes can be “icky.”

As far as I know, the world is still spinning on its axis, and I suspect that the slime craze will eventually slide into the annals of history.

Esther Blumenfeld