WINNING BY A NOSE

When my son, Josh, was a very little boy, the worst punishment doled out was to send him to his room for time out. I could never understand why that made him unhappy, since there were plenty of books and toys for him to enjoy, until I cooled off, and he could get his freedom.

Now I get it! It’s not the room, it’s the confinement.  I love my new apartment, and always have plenty of activities to keep me occupied, but it’s the (hopefully) semi-permanent isolation, and distancing from family and friends, that is so hard to take.

Consequently, always looking for a new distraction, and excuse to leave my apartment, I was most interested with the notification that public health nurses would be on the premises to administer a nasal-stick-it-up-your-nose test to determine if anyone here is infected with the COVID-19 virus.  I learned a new oxymoron when we were warned that a “false-positive” might show up, and that some unsuspecting person might be infected.

Properly informed, I signed up. The exercise was free, and would take only ten minutes.Yippee! It gave me an opportunity to leave my apartment, other than taking daily walks with all the other little dogs in the neighborhood, and taking a one-person-at-a-time dip in the swimming pool.

In the meantime, I planned to watch the Broadway musical, “The King and I” on my television set. It was a re-run from last week when technical difficulties made it impossible to watch the second half of the show.  So, last week I had watched the “King” part, and was looking forward to watching, “And I.” But back to the test—-

I was the first person to sign up for an 8 a.m. appointment. The entire staff was ordered to be tested the day before, so I knew the nurses would have lots of practice with different noses. I filled out the proper paperwork with my very own non-contagious  pen, and the nurse approached me with a q-tip that looked as if it was on hormones. She shoved Excalibur up my nose, and then pulled it out of my ear. Luckily, I had left my hearing aids at home, so I couldn’t hear myself yelping. I learned that from the dogs on my walk.  She dismissed me with, “Now, that wasn’t so bad was it?” I don’t answer rhetorical questions, but all in all, I am happy that I took the test.

Hopefully, all will be well, and soon the nasal-poking nurse will be able to take wax out of people’s ears the normal way. In the meantime, I recommend that all of us make the most of the time we have while we are in. That is exceedingly  better than being permanently  out for the count.

Esther Blumenfeld

SPACED OUT

It’s not so encouraging when the best compliment I get all  day is, “That is such a beautiful mask you are wearing.”

No wonder E.T. wanted to go home, but this is our planet, and Mother Nature is playing nasty tricks on us—-one more time. Hopefully, scientists will get us out of this mess; sooner rather than later. In the meantime, we are stuck on Earth with nowhere else to go. It has been long speculated that the planet Mars might be a solution, if you don’t mind a six-month trip, and sharing a locality with a bunch of microorganisms.

When I was in high school, the science teacher insisted that there were only nine planets. She didn’t like it at all when I said, “Are you sure?” Now, astronomers report, based on Kepler space mission data, that there could be as many as forty-billion earth sized orbiting planets, and the nearest one is only about twelve light years away.  However, you might not want to buy your flight tickets yet, because one light year is about six trillion miles. However, that only works if “red dwarfs are included.” That makes sense, because if there is a habitable planet you’d want a red dwarf to warm it up.

Scientists are knocking themselves out to discover if there are any species out there that would resemble life on our planet. However, in the year, 2000, Geologist and Paleontologist Peter Ward and Astrobiologist, Donald Brownlee published a book, “Rare Earth: Why Complex Life is Uncommon in the Universe.” They think that; “Earth-like life is rare in the Universe, whereas microbial life is common.”  On the other hand, in 2010, Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking warned that humans should not try to contact Alien life forms, because they might pillage the Earth for resources.”

 I’m sure no intruders from outer space could pillage the Earth any better than we do. I find it interesting that in Science Fiction Literature, most of the Extraterrestrial creatures manage to speak a bit of  English. Otherwise, how could we understand them? It is fascinating what some of these authors come up with. For instance, even if a creature has an orange hide, he can manage to look human, and then he can take over, and convince people that he is just one of the guys. Finally, someone really smart catches on and warns everyone, “This creature has a human form, but does not have human emotions!” Bummer! One more time, we have to save the Earth. We’ve done it before. We can do it again!

So, face it! In this vast Universe, right now, we are on our own, and we need to clean up our act. As far as a trip into space? Well, we can go up, but eventually we have to come back down, and face the future together.  And, what about Extraterrestrial Life?  Arthur C. Clarke said it best: “I’m sure the Universe is full of intelligent life. It just been too intelligent to come here.”

Esther Blumenfeld

IT'S ALL IN THE LANGUAGE

To begin with, I don’t speak Computer. However, I can manage bits of German and Spanish, and I am able to pray in Hebrew. I thought I was fluent in English until I was confronted with Computerese. I didn’t even know there was such a word!

Consequently, when I was notified that the Squarespace Security System on my website needed to be updated, I tried to contact, “Squarespace Computer Care”, and I was notified that their e-mail was no longer accepted, and that the phone number was no longer in use.  This foreshadowed a rocky future, since I had reached the limit of my expertise, and I realized that I would need help from an expert.  Unfortunately, because of COVID-19 no computer geeks were allowed to enter the premises.

Happily, I was informed that folks in the Community Life Department at my residence could help with computer problems, and that Ami, the beautiful art teacher, was also an expert in computers. She took pity on me, and was able to put me in touch with Squarespace.

April 6: “Thank you for getting in touch. Your site is built on our legacy platform Squarespace 5, so your case will be escalated to that team.” (GOOD!)  “Note: escalated cases can take more time to resolve—no matter how hard you pray even in Hebrew.”  (NOT SO GOOD!)

April 13: Not hearing from the “team” I wrote a letter to the CEO of Squarespace. In desperation, after citing my problem, I added, “In case it helps, my son went to the University of Maryland too.” He never answered my letter. So, I am sure that Mr. CEO graduated at the bottom of his class.

April 15: “Thank you for your patience.”( INHALE. EXHALE.) “I am your specialist, Katey. To add an SSL certificate on your site you need to first update your Domain’s DNS records. However, it looks like your records are mostly updated.” (THANKS TO BEAUTIFUL AMI.)
“But you need to remove the legacy A-record pointing to this value: 65.39.205.54.” (IS SHE KIDDING ME?) “Then once updated, set to ‘High’ which will generate an SSL certificate. However this won’t happen unless your Domain DNS settings are set up.”

“I hope this is helpful.”

April 17: “Thanks again for your patience” (KATEY GO SUCK AN EGG!) I can confirm you have done everything correctly. It should be okay in about 72 hours. Get back in touch so we can double check.”

April 20: Nothing changed. Back to aggravating Katey.

April 21: “Thanks again….After  consulting with our engineering team, it looks as if your Domain, GoDaddy is stopping this from processing. To resolve this, reach out to them to remove the CAA record from your account.  If you are interested you can read more about CAA records here: (I’D RATHER VISIT THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.) Get back in touch if you have more follow-up questions.

April 27: At that I found the phone number of GoDaddy, the folks who preserve my website name,  and I contacted some kid hunkering down in his living room in Scottsdale, AZ. I told him my sad story and asked him to; “Please remove the CAA.” He said, “Yep,” “I can do that. It’s done.”

April 29: From Katey:  “Glad it’s working for you. Get back in touch if we can help with anything else. We’re always here to help you.”  
Some help! I haven’t read instructions like that since I read, “Double, Double Toil and Trouble” in Macbeth. Those witches would have been great with computers.

Esther Blumenfeld

GOT THE TIME?

GOT THE TIME?

“Time flies when you’re having fun.” Recently, I have discovered that time flies when you’re not having that much fun.  However, I guess fun is something like, “One man’s junk, is another mans treasure.” It’s what you make of it. No matter how much time we have on our hands, or how much soap we use, or how hard we scrub, it’s impossible to wash time off.

So, what does my day look like in these wear-a-mask-stay-at-home- COVID-19-keep- away-from-people days? I wake up with the birds, pull up the shade and check on the 5:30 a.m. construction crew across the street. Yep, they’re there alright.

Then, I grab a quick cup of coffee, put on my hiking boots, and meet a friend for our 6 a.m. morning walk on the paths around our community. If we are lucky, we will run into some of the wildlife such as deer, javelina, or an occasional rabbit.  If not, we will surely meet some sleepy neighbors being dragged around by their cute little pups.  My joy is that I can pet them (the dogs not the neighbors) and send them on their way without scooping poop.

When the walk is concluded at 7:30 a.m. I ring the bell at the main entrance. The concierge buzzes me in, and hits me on the head with a thermometer. She assures me that I have passed the test, and then I pump some Purell from the disinfecting machine before punching the elevator button with my elbow. I wipe my elbow, enter the apartment and remove my hiking shoes. Now what?  I look for my slippers, which I have misplaced. Misplacing is my new hobby.

By this time, my computer is calling me, but friends phoning from the East Coast take precedence. Sometimes, that 3-hour time difference is a blessing, and  Yes!  Some of my friends still know how to use a telephone. After chatting and checking my e-mails, it’s already 10 a.m. Time for the exercise lady on my television set.  So, I jump around a bit with her. She is waving her arms and kicking her legs in her living room, and she is always cheerful. My favorite part is when her shaggy dog wanders into the room and puts his nose on the camera.

Exercise is over, and I have worked up an appetite for lunch, as well as my morning newspaper. Today, I discover that 1/2 of a hummingbird’s weight is in sugar. That explains a lot, with all of the cookies I have been eating. There must be a hummingbird in my ancestry. I have learned one new thing today. That is enough!

Lunch is over. I look outside to see how much the construction crew has accomplished. The mail has arrived. I put on my mask and ride the elevator back down to the mailroom, take my mail out of my assigned box, take it upstairs and throw it away.  Now it’s time to turn on the Television News. Now it’s time to turn off Television news! Time for soft music instead. However, now my TV remote isn’t working, because I tried to change channels with my  telephone.

Okay, now I have soft music and a website story to write, but first I have to start the laundry, empty the dishwasher, and trim my bangs. Now, it’s time to start writing the story. Hooray!  My son and daughter-in-law are calling me from Fairfax, Virginia. Time for Face Time!  We chat and laugh. After I hang up, the doorbell rings. Dinner has been dropped at my front door.
Dr. Zhivago is on my TV. He is the one from Russia not the CDC. Well, that’s 3 hours of fun for me. However, poor Dr. Zhivago had no fun at all.

I guess my website story will have to wait. After all, as Scarlett, O’Hara would say, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Esther Blumenfeld

LIGHTS OUT

Black-out shades have been installed in my bedrooms, and I am thrilled that the fancy lights hanging in the trees, shining up into my apartment, will no longer keep me awake at night.

My son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful forest, that acts like a backyard, at their home in Virginia. As far as I know, none of these majestic trees are growing lights. Even Architectural Digest Magazine has denounced the practice of lit-up trees. They go so far as to say that lighting your trees won’t boost the sale of your house, and I might add that nocturnal animals don’t like their sleep disturbed anymore than I do.

Darkening my room solved the problem, but there are many people who have trouble sleeping.
An article by Erica Pearson in the Minneapolis Star Tribune deals with, “Ways To Help You Sleep.” Since I was a little girl, I have always been aware of “The Power Nap.” My Father often had evening meetings, so he would take a lie-down everyday for about 20 minutes.Then he’d come out for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, and resume his busy schedule. For a  long time, I enjoyed the coffee and cake part, but only recently, I, too, sometimes take a little snooze in the afternoon, so I can stay up until 10 p.m. like the big kids do.

According to the article, in some businesses  power napping  has become an amenity on the job in order to”boost productivity.” I’m not sure I’d enjoy going to an  office and having to wake everybody up. However, I have been doing this in department stores for years. Lots of those clerks resent my being there in the first place. As a matter of fact, I have often gone into a store, looked around, and shouted, “Is anyone here?” only to listen to the echo of my own voice. No one ever told me they were napping to “boost productivity.”

Dr. Michael Howard, a sleep medicine doctor says, “Humans are natural nappers.” He adds, “Napping takes practice.” I guess it’s like playing the piano. I tried to play the piano, and my Mother used to say, “Esther, haven’t you practiced enough?” Only after three teachers did they find out it was me. So how does someone practice napping?  Closing your eyes is a good start.

Meditation is also recommended. A person should practice breathing. In the article it says that, “Breathing is very important if you want to get to the next step.”  I would add that  breathing is also very important if you ever want to wake up. This is also called, “mindfulness.”

The next step is to take inventory of your body parts. I really don’t understand this, but I do know that if they are all there I would sleep better.

The next suggestion is that you focus on something such as a spider crawling up your window. This leads to the final step, “Show compassion, and loving kindness.” Killing the spider does not accomplish that step.

Sarah Moe, a sleep healing specialist suggests, “ Say, three things aloud that you want to accomplish tomorrow as well as three things that you are grateful for.” This should help you sleep. For instance:

I want to remember where I parked the car.
I want to go to my accountant and have him tell me that I don’t owe the government any money.
I want my umbrella to open when it rains tomorrow.



Gratitude:

I am grateful that I am in bed and not outside in the rain, since my umbrella won’t open.
I am grateful that my accountant isn’t in jail anymore.
I am grateful that my son parked my car for me—even though he forgot to tell me where it is parked.

So now, some of your worries should be relieved, and the gratitude should have relaxed you. At the end of the article  it says that if you still can’t fall asleep,“It’s okay to whisper.” I guess that means..Do not disturb anyone else.

Shh!

Esther Blumenfeld