I AM WHAT I AM WHAT?

I AM WHAT I AM WHAT?

“Forget about grammar and think about potatoes.” (Gertrude Stein)

A fair warning;  this story is not for children—nor English teachers—because it deals with breaking the rules.

When my good friend, Paula, a former English teacher called and commented upon my misuse of the hallowed comma, little did she know that she had thrown down the gauntlet—a challenge that I will now gladly address.

First of all, long ago, in a place far-far away, I had to learn the rules before I ventured to break them. By now, some of you have come to the rightful conclusion that much of what I write is also meant to be read aloud. That’s why several people have often told me, “I can hear your voice,” and they claimed that they were sober when they said it. That is the reason, I often stop readers along the way, because even if they are in the hurry, I want them to pause.

But (starting a sentence with a conjunction as William Faulkner frequently did) my run-on sentences are not as plentiful as were those by Charles Dickens:

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. “ (A TALE OF TWO CITIES).   No! He was not paid by the word. His publisher paid him upon book sales.

Jane Austen was an expert in redundancy, and often she used double negatives:

“She owned that, considering everything, she was not absolutely without inclination for the party. (from Emma).

And, stepping away from literature for a moment, there’s the heated dispute about the Oxford Comma.  Here’s an example: 

(Without) “I would like to thank my mother, Queen Elizabeth and God.”  (With) “ I would like to thank my mother, Queen Elizabeth, and God.”

A missing Oxford comma gained international notoriety, when, the Oakhurst Dairy in Maine had to settle a lawsuit over an overtime dispute and pay $5 million to their drivers, because the missing comma created enough uncertainty that the U.S.Court of Appeals for the First Circuit granted the claim that four years of overtime pay had been denied.

The poet, ee cummings had his own way of dealing with the conundrum by eliminating grammar completely:

“it’s spring

    and

the

      goat-footed

    balloonMan whistles 

far

                       and

wee”

H.L. Mencken wasn’t the only author who didn’t finish his sentences. Other classic authors also used choppy paragraph fragments for dramatic affect to create an effect.

And, (remember Faulkner) William Shakespeare, The Bard himself, frequently ended a sentence with a preposition. Look it up!

Obviously, grammar is of value, but, in my not so humble opinion, not when it’s not. That’s when it’s best to think about potatoes. “Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose” 

“It is what it is.”

Esther Blumenfeld

SMART, SMARTER, SMARTEST

Amazon has invented a smart shopping cart. It has cameras, sensors and a scale that will keep track of what you are buying, and then charge your Amazon account when you leave the store. No need for cashiers. Bummer!  I don’t have an Amazon account. I don’t want an Amazon account, and I like my cashiers.

The grocery store is one of the few places left where I get a friendly greeting from a nice clerk who recognizes me.  Often, when I call a business, the mechanical voice on the other end claims that I am a “valuable customer,”but I have to listen to a lot of gobbledygook before talking with another mechanical voice who thanks me for my business, and tries to help me, but usually can’t, and asks me to wait for a human being who is handling 155 calls before mine.

I know that  instead of going to a store, I can order anything I want on my computer, but already I am communicating with too many inanimate objects in my home. For instance, after my printer spits out a piece of paper, I always pat it and say, “You can go back to sleep now.”

My friend, Paula was in the passenger seat in a car, that Fay was driving. Paula was talking with Siri, the voice on her Apple Tablet, when Fay said, “I am so upset.” Whereupon, Siri said, “I hope you’re not mad at me.” These are such nice women that I am sure they reassured Siri, who is obviously very sensitive.  

But I digress: Even though I don’t have an Amazon account, I do have questions for the inventor of the smart cart:

If you throw an umbrella into the cart, will you get charged for it?

If you have two kids, and one sits in the cart, and the other in the handle section on top of your purse, do you get charged for all three or only the two kids?

Does an alarm go off if you mistakenly walk off with the wrong cart?

Is there a limit on how many e-mails and mailings you will receive after the cart tally, of the products you are purchasing, is passed on to sellers?

Can the cart choose what you should buy if you forgot your shopping list?

I don’t know if you have to push these carts or if they wheel themselves, but I assume that the more gadgetry the more expensive they become, and I assume that they are waterproof if left out in the rain. I hope they are insured against roll-aways in the parking lot.

 Since a screen near the handle lists what is  being charged, I suspect that carts will get so smart that they will spit items out of your cart that they think aren’t healthy for you. Perhaps, someday there will be  a vegan cart for vegetarian purists.

Now we have smart phones, smart carts, smart cars, and smart watches. Also computers are getting smarter and smarter and so are our television sets.  Oh, Boy!  Now, if someone could invent smarter people, we’d really be on to something.

Esther Blumenfeld

HEAR THIS

There was a time I would never have thought that vinyl records would make a come-back. There was also a time that I never thought that, after twenty-five years, my dear Dr. Wool would make a house call, but it happened!  No, he didn’t walk into the front door, instead he popped up on my computer screen. I think it was Dr. Wool. He looked like Dr. Wool, but then I have never see him on my desk before. It was what is called, “a follow-up exam.” That one does not involve blood work or pee in a bottle, but it’s a, “How are You?” kind of an exercise.

First of all, these questions were asked:  “How are you feeling?” “Are you eating?” “ Are you getting enough rest?” After he answered those questions, we got down to the nitty and gritty of my exam.

Fortunately, I had no real complaints, but I did have a list of medical appointments, that, because of COVID-19, I had already delayed, and I wanted him to suggest which ones I should keep and which ones, I could further put off. That was a great help, since I can now venture out conscience free. I trust my doctor implicitly.

 My ophthalmologist  once asked me, “If Dr. Wool told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” And, I replied, “Absolutely!” Now, most of my medical appointments have been re-scheduled into October and November, but the appointment in August, with my audiologist is still on the books. No problem!

Here’s the drill: I will drive to the parking lot, get out of the car and ring the bell.  The audiologist will open the door, and I will turn the hearing aids over. I will then sit in the car for 10 or 15 minutes, while my hearing aids get their 6-month check-up, and then she will come to the car.  I will have to remember to roll down the window, and this masked person (whom I assume will be the audiologist and not the janitor) will hand my hearing aids back to me. Then, I will wipe them off with disinfectant and pop them into my ears, and hopefully hear some good news on my car radio.

That will be my first outing since March 15, and I am really looking forward to it. I have already picked out the outfit to wear, and plan to take some snacks and a cold drink. These days we need to improvise, because there’s nothing like a good party—even in the audiologist’s parking lot.

Esther Blumenfeld

SNARK DOESN'T CUT IT

In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion.

There are two ways to insult people: One is sarcasm—- a reaction to an irritant—but is funny. And, then there is snark, which is snide, but not funny. Oscar Wilde said, “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence.” If that is true, then obviously the snarky person is just an annoying jackass.

For example: A young woman buys a dress that she loves, and models it for her friend, who says, “You’re not going to wear that to the party are you?” That is classic snark. Or, “You look good for your age.”  That is a backhanded compliment covered in snark. However, sarcasm is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, in such a funny way, that he will look forward to the journey.

Winston Churchill was a master of sarcasm. When Nancy Astor said to Winston Churchill, “If I were your wife, I’d poison your coffee” (snark). Churchill replied, “If I were your husband, I’d drink it” (sarcasm). I find snarky behavior sneaky. It is passive/aggressive and reeks of hostility.  Of course, sarcasm can also be delivered by an angry person, but it’s never sullen, because sullen isn’t funny.

One of my all-time favorite books is, THE ALGONQUIN WITS, edited by Robert E. Drennan ,(Citadel Press, 1985. It is a collection (albeit dated) of bon mots and wisecracks by members of the legendary, “Vicious Circle, that gathered at lunch around a table at the Algonquin Hotel in New York City in the 1920’s, way before my time, but much of the sardonic humor of those writers, critics, actors and wits lives on. If you are not familiar with those people, I recommend you ask Mr. Google. He is most accommodating.

In the book, Robert Benchley discusses a Broadway show: “It was one of those plays in which all the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.”  George S. Kaufman, after the flop of his first play, SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE, remarked “There wasn’t.” He also once suggested his own epitaph, “Over my dead body!”

One evening at the Friars Club a fellow member asked Ring Lardner to read aloud a poem written by a member’s brother, twenty years deceased. After he finished, Ring asked,, “Did he write it before or after he died?” Dorothy Parker, a regular member of the Algonquin Wits, was told that Clare  Booth Luce was, “invariably  kind to her inferiors.” At that Dorothy Parker asked, “And where does she find them?” According to Mrs. Parker, “Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

On the occasion of George and Beatrice Kaufman’s 5th anniversary, Alexander Woollcott wrote to them, “I have been looking around for an appropriate wooden gift, and am pleased hereby to present you with Elsie Ferguson’s performance in her new play.”

And, with that, I will leave all the unimaginative snarks far behind with this quote from comedian, Emo Phillips, who said, “Never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you’re a mile away and in his shoes.”

Esther Blumenfeld

OFF COURSE

A few summers ago, while hiking in the mountains, I saw a very large sea bird zooming over my head. Today, I read in the Arizona Daily Star, “Brown Pelican blown off course finding itself landlocked in Tucson.” Seabirds are not a common sight in the Arizona desert, but due to monsoon storms, and increased wind speeds, they sometimes get off course.  This lucky pelican will be taken to San Diego for a little vacation, and then go free to soar again in more familiar territory.

Sometimes, lately, like the pelican, I feel, “off course.” For instance this morning, on the way to the bathroom to clean the sink, I moseyed into the bedroom and made the bed instead, and then I returned to the kitchen with the bathroom cleaning rag still over my shoulder—not having cleaned the bathroom sink at all.  

Clearly, I had been blown off course—distracted. Maybe it was because I had switched on the TV  in the bedroom. It is understandable, that, when bombarded with bad news about COVID-19, a 100,000 acre forest fire in my mountains, and social unrest no wonder it is difficult to stay focused. And the weatherman is no help at all with a prediction of  a 115 degree heat wave around the bend.

Attention comes at a cost, and I have found that thinking is the ultimate distraction, so I walk about thinking a lot these days, but I am not the only distracted person in my neighborhood. I often encounter people who are also in La La Land. So, just for fun, although I try to communicate, I can sense that they are mentally somewhere else. For instance, I go swimming (one person at a time) everyday in the indoor pool, just around the corner from my apartment . On the way home, I invariably run into a neighbor who will ask, “How was the water?” And, I answer, “Wet! Incredibly wet!” If he asks me the same question the next day, I will say, “It seems to be getting wetter.” As I said, “Attention comes at a cost.”

The internet is a great distraction. Playing with a machine is so much more fun than doing the laundry. Maybe staying focused is only as important as the goal. That’s why I ruminated over  a
question asked by Marty Rubin, “Is daydreaming a distraction from work, or is work a distraction from daydreaming?”

Some distractions seem to shorten my days, especially the creative ones such as painting images on rocks, and reading a good book (if you can find one) also helps.  Of course some people take distractions to the extreme, and are so easily distracted that these scatterbrains can’t ever focus on the task at hand.

I have discovered that often distraction is just where I want to go, because as Rousseau reminds me, “The world of reality has it’s limits. The world of imagination is boundless.”

Esther Blumenfeld (Glad my teakettle has a whistle)