OUTRAGEOUS

When Alabama Senator, Tommy Tuberville says that, “white nationalists are not racists.They are Americans.” That is like saying, rattle snakes aren’t poisonous.They just like to greet people with a friendly wave of their behinds.

Former Vice President, Mike Pence, in an interview with Tucker Carlson, said, about the attack of the United States Capitol, “I never said the word, insurrection. I called it a riot.” Of course when the rioters were shouting, “Hang Pence,” he didn’t call it a “Laugh Riot.”

When a group of men was lost and trapped in a snowstorm in the mountains at Donnor Pass in the 1800’s, it was discovered that their leader, Alferd Packer had survived, because he had killed and eaten some of this fellow travelers. He did not admit that he had succumbed to cannibalism, although he did not suffer from malnutrition.  He could have said that what he had eaten to stay alive was —“finger licking good!”

Some teachers in our schools are now ordered not to teach anything but happy history to their students. Perhaps they could teach that people from Africa were not brought to our shores on slave ships, but they had just taken relaxing cruises on the Queen Mary, and decided to work for masters on plantations for free. After all, it would teach pride in ownership, and   “not make children feel guilty”.

History can be so much fun— even when we declare war on another  country, because now war can be called, “A police action.”  Or even better—“a counter-insurgency.”

Also, women in the United States should be proud that they are no longer legally considered “property of their husbands.” After all, they aren’t forced to wear head scarves like women are in backward countries.  Now women can even own AR15 guns which are protected by the U.S.
Constitution even though women’s  bodies now belong to State Legislatures and the U.S. Supreme Court.

Covid Masks are frowned upon unless they are now used to cover the eyes. After all those nasty Pulitzer Prize Winning Books must be banned so our children will not be exposed to them. Why would anyone want a young person to read such books as:
TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD,Harper Lee, MAUS, Art Spiegelman, GONE WITH THE WIND, Margaret Mitchell, THE COLOR PURPLE, Alice Walker, OF MICE AND MEN, John Steinbeck, BELOVED, Toni Morrison, SOPHIES CHOICE, William Styron, FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS, Ernest Hemingway, THE GRAPES OF WRATH, John Steinbeck, THE SUN ALSO RISES, Ernest Hemingway, or  AS I LAY DYING William Faulkner…(only to name a few).

And of course one of the books we should protect our children from is CHARLOTTE’S WEB, by E. B. White.  Cover your eyes kids!  This is a dangerous book, because— “Only humans should have the ability to speak.”

So it goes.

Esther Blumenfeld

FOOTPRINTS

It rained very hard last night, so there were big puddles on the path where I walk. Most grown-ups step around small bodies of water, but the temptation was too much for me. So, there I stood in the middle of the puddle, watching my feet sink into the wet sand. A man strolled by and said,” Are you trying to walk on water?” and I replied, “No, I am just leaving temporary footprints on the earth.”

The puddle will dry up and my footprints will disappear. However some footprints are not so benign. I swear that there are days when I look into the mirror, after dealing with difficult people or situations, and I feel as if someone has tap danced on my forehead. Sometimes we all feel as if we have been walked on, and on a particularly bad day those shoes have cleats.

Kids know what to do with a puddle---jump in with both feet and make a big splash. It might be messy, but it’s a whole lot of fun. Maybe we should take a cue from these youngsters when dealing with the vicissitudes of life. Someone once said to me, “Children don’t have problems.” I replied, “Hog Wash!” Isn’t a smashed favorite toy more of a problem than being stuck in a traffic jam? The jam will eventually unplug. The toy is forever lost. Consequently, here are some children’s recommended solutions for a bad day:

Band-Aids: Lots of band-aids can cure almost any boo-boo. It would certainly work if you could apply a box of them to some peoples’ mouths.
Ice cream:  It cools you off and always makes you feel better.
Naps: A nap is an excellent way to deal with crankiness.
Bubble gum: If you blow a bubble and it pops, you will spend the rest of the day getting it out of your hair. That’s where the expression “stick-to-itiveness” comes from.
Hide and Seek: Always make the mean person “It”. You don’t have to seek or ever find him.
Mud Pies: They taste better than Brussels sprouts, but you quickly find out that sometimes what you enjoy can make you sick.
The solution for world peace: It’s simple. Say, “I am sorry.” Kiss and make-up, run through a puddle together, and then try to do better.

Too bad kids aren’t running the world.

Esther Blumenfeld (Who made me the grown-up?)

LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK

Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook has a mission. He wants to change the world, so it will become a more open place. That doesn’t necessarily mean a better place, it just means more open. Facebook is, of course, a platform for human behavior. That’s exactly why I won’t join. The last platform I used was a high diving board when I was 12 years old, and I scraped my nose on the bottom of the swimming pool.

The world is so open now that no one has any privacy---nor do they seem to want it. Dinosaurs were the last private creatures. That’s why no one knows what happened to them, and they ain’t telling!

Reality shows on television are certainly open places where the exhibitionists among us let it all hang out---sometimes literally. But of course, these shows would not be so successful if their openness didn’t appeal to the voyeurs among us. I guess it’s something like slowing down to gawk at a car wreck at the side of the road. You hope that no one got hurt, but you can’t help being curious about the people who are involved. I am not sure that is the case with those who enjoy NASCAR races.

So it is with Facebook. Kids share their secrets with hundreds of their best friends, and grandmas check to see what their grandchildren are sharing. Granted, Facebook has some educational value. One man has a page where he teaches people how to tie a necktie. He now has 6 million viewers, and he does it fully dressed.

Entertainers, politicians and the rich and famous can no longer hope for privacy, and the most intimate aspects of their lives are fair game. Heaven help the vegetarian celebrity who gets caught on camera pigging out with a ham sandwich. Newscasters will report endlessly on her admittance to the Hog Heaven Rehab Facility and her struggle with hindquarter withdrawal.

All of this openness has led average folks to think they have the license to ask personal questions of anyone, and they think they are entitled to answers. I am blessed to come from a heritage where one often answers a question with another question. So here’s my advice. When someone expects you to tell it all, just stare at him and say, “Why in the world would I want to talk about that with you?”

Esther Blumenfeld (slamming the privacy door shut)

GOOD MORNING

Scientists have come up with a fancy term, “Relational Diversity” which predicts well being after sharing brief pleasant exchanges (small talk) with people.  Gillian Sandstorm, a researcher on the benefits of casual interaction says, “Although many of us hate small talk, the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.”

In my play, HERE AND THERE (Detroit Repertory Theatre, 12/28/2003) I wrote a brief interchange between a mother and her son, Josh— adapting it from an actual conversation I had with my own son.

            Josh
Mom, this time when you come to New York and we ride the subway, please don’t talk to people.
            Becca
What do you mean, don’t talk to people?
            Josh
It’s New York. You get on the subway. You get off the subway. You don’t talk to people.
            Becca,
Well, last time that old lady wanted to give me a bite of her sandwich.
            Josh
And I was afraid you were going to take it.
            Becca
You mean I don’t get to practice my Spanish? Donde esta el coche comedor?
            Josh
No, not Spanish, not English. People in New York don’t talk. Don’t even make eye contact. You think I’m kidding? There was an article in the TIMES about a corpse that rode the train at rush hour. The guy rode for 45 minutes, and 20 stops, before anyone told the police.
            Becca
Obviously, nobody made eye contact with him.

So, how does one develop the skill to share a brief pleasant exchange with even a relative stranger? First of all, you can say, “Good Morning.”  However, if the other person says, “How Are You?” my friend Lynn always says, “Compared to Who?” It’s called, shared reality.

Recently, someone told me that Himalayan Salt will cure leg cramps.  I went to “Trader Joes” and asked the young clerk if they carried, Himalayan Salt. He said, “Oh, Yes, my mother uses it for leg cramps.” Free corroborating information from small talk with a stranger. (And, Yes, it works!)

When visiting with an aunt in Buffalo, New York we saw an elderly lady, obviously dressed for church,  waiting at the bus stop. My aunt said to her, “Oh, you look so nice!” The lady hugged her, and she had tears in her eyes. She said, “Thank you so much! I really needed that!”

When talking to people you don’t know too well, it’s a good idea to avoid small talk about religion or politics or other sensitive matters. Waiting for my son in an orthodontist’s office, I saw a woman I had briefly met who was also waiting for her offspring. For some reason, she thought it okay to say something disparaging about an African American woman and her child who had just left the office. I said, “You are a Bigot!  Don’t talk to me!” Sometimes, small talk isn’t all that small after all.

Invariably, people will say to me,”You don’t look your age.” I now respond, “It’s the Genie in the bottle.” (Hair—not Scotch).

I think that young people miss out when they only communicate by smart phone or computers. I find it depressing, and often so do they. Communicating by thumbs is self-inflicted solitary confinement.  Also, making friends takes real person to person communication without a machine to intervene.

Small talk can break the ice, but be mindful how you use it. It’s better to start a conversation by saying, “Good Morning. You have such a nice smile”— rather than— “Good Morning.” Are those your real teeth?”

Esther Blumenfeld

      

WHO WROTE THAT?

After sending her some jokes that I had written, Phyllis Diller wanted more. She particularly liked the one where I wrote: “Zip Lock Bags. That’s what they used to call the Good Girls.”
However, what she paid barely covered the postage.  At that, I decided that as a professional  humor writer, not only did I want credit for what I wrote, but my work would never be cheap—better free than cheap.

A long-time speech writer for the Chairman of the Board of a large company asked for a raise. The Chairman said, “You are making enough money. I’m not giving you a raise.” A week later the Chairman was to deliver his yearly speech in front of hundreds of his employees. He stepped up to the dais, opened his speech portfolio, and read: “You are on your own— You S.O.B.” Historically, writers have been unfairly treated, even though everything you read has been written by someone— including the instructions on your medicine bottle.

By now, most of you are aware of the writer’s strike which involves 11,000 film, TV, news, radio and online writers. What they want is a stable pay structure as well as fairer deals that include residuals from streaming— as well as contract provisions for Artificial Intelligence (AI).

The 2023 Writer’s Strike is the first one since that last strike in 2007, when having writers on strike opened the door for TV Reality Shows such as “The Apprentice.” They were cheap since they didn’t need actors or writers. So, now, 600 Reality Shows have made it to TV.  In the 1960’s FCC Chairman, Newton Minnow said, “Television is a Vast Wasteland.” Now much of it has become a garbage dump with shows like, “The Housewives of Wherever” who shout at each other and expose their most intimate selves to millions of viewers.  Also, I know about the actors in the popular show, “Downton Abbey,”  but I am not familiar with the folks in “Duck  Dynasty, or those people who appear in “Pawn Stars” or “Dr. Pimple Popper.”

Years ago, Sid Caesar’s “Show of Shows” probably had the best stable of writers ever gathered in one place. They included Mel Brooks who went on as a performer as well as  writing and producing movies and plays. Neil Simon, the famous playwright, Larry Gelbart, (remember Mash and Mary Tyler Moore?) Carl Reiner, Woody Allen and many others.
Most comedians could not survive without their writers, and few are as spontaneous as Robin Williams. Bob Hope was a good guy, but he needed his writers…so it is rumored.

I had one experience writing for someone else. The first lesson is that when your words are coming out of someone else’s mouth, the words have to fit that person.  I like getting credit for my work, and did not especially want to write a funny speech for a big-wig from New Jersey who lived in Atlanta. When he approached me, I told him that I don’t do ghost writing, but he persisted. He finally said, “If you would do this, what would you charge?”  I thought if I quoted him an exorbitant amount, he’d finally back off.  No such luck. I was stuck. However, I did stipulate that before he delivered the speech, I would have to listen to it, so it would fit his personality.  

The speech was written, and he began to read it to me. He started by saying, “Haa, There, Ya’All.” I said, “What are you doing?”  He said, “I thought I should give this talk with a Southern  Accent.” Horrified, I said, “Whatever you do—DON’T DO THAT!” I took the money and ran. I never did hear him give that speech in front of an audience, but it was the one time, I was glad not to get the credit.

So, the next time you read something, even directions on a box on how to build something, be sure to have a bit of respect for the writer—unless a screw is missing and the directions are in Chinese.

Esther Blumenfeld