LET'S TALK

The art of conversation has become a technological hodgepodge of texting, twittering and tweets that can all be organized with a hash tag. No eye contact is required. It’s communicating with your mouth shut starting with e-mails. Looking at the bright side, this is technologies revenge on those who never wrote a letter home. For people who are really into developing their thumbs, there is even a U.S. National Texting Competition.

For those of us who enjoy talking, there are still telephones that, for the time being, still include this capability. However, I recently found out that a person has to be very careful when actually speaking aloud.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting on my (land line GASP!) telephone with a friend.
Suddenly, her voice sounded as if she had her head in a bucket. I probably should have asked her if she was washing her floor, but instead, I said, “I can’t believe your brother-in-law has stayed with you for a month. Why don’t you tell him to go home?” After a moment of silence, my friend said, “Because you just did.” Unbeknownst to me, she had switched to speakerphone to clean up his spilled Cheerios. Speakerphone. Whoever came up with that miserable invention? It is just a distant relative to the old fashioned party line which was much more fun anyway.

When I was a kid, we shared a phone line with a bunch of other people, and I could listen in on all of their conversations. When mother said, “Get off the phone,” it didn’t necessarily mean I was talking to anyone, but it honed my listening skills.

Call waiting is another annoying invention. The same person, who complains about being put on hold while waiting for a computer geek to answer, doesn’t hesitate to put me on hold when receiving another call. Admittedly, the new caller might be more interesting than I am, but when put on “Hold” I hang up.

And, what’s up with the friend who calls me on her cell phone to tell me that she can’t talk because she’s out of range and then everything goes silent. Why did she call me?

Smart computer innovators have now made it possible to see the person you are talking to on your computer screen. That is a nice feature, if you haven’t just stepped out of the shower.  One day, my son called and said, “Hey, Mom, what are you doing?” I held up the toilet brush and replied, “Guess!”

Esther Blumenfeld (call me sometime)

AFTERNOON TEA

Last week, I thought I had purchased a can of tea from China.  It was sitting on the store shelf with all of the other teas. The can was green with writing that looked Chinese to me.

When I got home, I boiled some water, and after fifteen minutes of steeping the leaves, I poured myself a cup. The tea was colorless, and tasted like extremely weak chicken soup.  

Maybe authentic Chinese tea is supposed to taste like chicken soup. Or, maybe, the long strand of human hair, which was part of the treat, came from the head of a Chinese chicken farmer. Or, maybe it wasn’t Chinese tea after all. Maybe it was tea from Korea. They drink tea in Korea, and I don’t read Korean either.

The choices we make in life can be so difficult. You might ask, “How could you drink a cup of anything that contained a human hair?” I had boiled the water, and didn’t find the hair until it had wrapped itself around my tongue.

No! I did not panic. The water had been boiled. And, No! I did not die from sipping on an oriental hair. Who knows? Maybe Chinese or Koreans use hair in their tea-soup instead of noodles.

However, from now on, I will stick to English Breakfast Tea. Maybe, next time I will find a crumpet.

Esther Blumenfeld (finger sandwiches…if you dare!)

THE TIPPING POINT

A newspaper article by Damian J. Troise caught my attention, because the headline read, “ Profits remain high at restaurants.” And the article went on to say, “Retail sales in the sector jumped from 11.8% in July and 9.5% in June from a year ago,  and a spending surge for dining out has a reported solid profit growth. Restaurants have been big contributors for discretionary spending, and the sector is expected to report 20.3% profit growth during the current quarter.”

So, that explains why restaurants have been competing for workers, but are they offering them higher pay or has “tip-flation” taken over the job market?  Creating  software that encourages big tips has put a lot of pressure on customers. SQUARE, the company behind many payment screens gets a cut of each transaction— including the tip. So big tips make more money for SQUARE.

Boston University, Sean Jung says, “The power of social pressure is real. It make you feel like you have a choice. The famous word for that is ‘nudging’, and tips in the United States have been nudged up to 20%.”’

However, it seems as if we are now at a tipping point, because tips for restaurant servers are down about 10%. A month ago, I went the the bagel shop to buy 1/2 a dozen bagels. The bagel guy behind the counter put my order into a paper bag, and on my visa bill he had added a 20% tip. When I returned a month later, I paid cash, and dropped 25 cents into the “tip jar.”

After that experience, I was hesitant to get a phlebotomy before my physical exam, because I was afraid the technician wouldn’t remove the needle from arm before getting a tip…OR, should she have tipped me for the blood?  

Then I went to Walgreens to get two vaccinations—one to prevent flu, and the other to prevent a respiratory illness. Since I got a shot in each arm, should I have tipped the pharmacist 20% for each arm.  It’s so confusing!

The word, “tip” dates to the 17th century when London taverns would put out signs saying, “To insure promptitude,” alongside plates where customers could drop coins for faster service.  There was no tipping in the U.S. until after the Civil War.  Then in 1966 Congress created the “tip credit,” which legally allows restaurants to pay restaurant workers a sub-minimum wage accepting that tips would take up the slack.

Personally, I don’t mind tipping 20% for excellent service. Although, I do realize that the waiter is performing the same service when delivering a filet mignon to me, and a hamburger to the guy at the next table. Although the waiter has not prepared my meal, I am not tipping the chef, but am tipping on the price of the food—not so much on the delivery.

The end of this tale is of course that, sadly, after all of his  his hard work, our cheerful waiter cannot pocket the full tip after all, because he has to share it with the table clean-up crew as well as the rude washer of dishes in the kitchen. The restaurant makes a profit, and the tip gets sliced up. Oh, yes, Life behind a tray of dishes is not fair…It’s not fair at all.

Esther Blumenfeld

PARTY TIME

Parties can be a mixed bag of nuts including the guests. Sometimes things go as planned. Sometimes---NOT!

When my son, Josh was in second grade, he brought home a birthday party invitation from a classmate named Helga. Her father was a visiting professor from Germany, and her mother was obviously a very formal lady, who had ordered engraved invitations for the entire class. Josh was on time for the party, and I noticed tables set with linen and formal ware, when I walked him to the door. Two hours later, when I picked him up, he came running out of the house with his arms laden with boxes. “So, how was the party?” I asked.  “Best party ever,” he replied. “No one came but me, so I had two pieces of cake, and won all the prizes.” From Josh’s viewpoint, the party was a huge success.

However, at the next gathering he was hit in the head with a stick, when the blindfolded birthday boy missed the piñata. Even though Josh was awarded extra candy and an ice bag, he didn’t think that was as much fun.

I have given parties when some guests arrived early, some late and some never showed up. One couple arrived at our front door a day early, took one look at me in my robe and slippers and said, “This must not be the night.”

I have been to parties where the hostess arrives late, but attended one event where the hostess never showed up. The most memorable party I attended was held in a mansion in Chicago, where I left doggy doo footprints on their plush white carpeting. That was one heck of a grand entrance. The butler cleaned off my shoes. I threw them away when I got home. They should have had smaller dogs.

The worst get-together I ever attended was when my husband and I arrived at his bosses’ home, and either the boss had forgotten to tell his wife we were coming, or they had locked horns right before we got there, because she only came out of the kitchen once, slammed a thermos of coffee, and a coffeecake, (still in the box) on the table, and left. Never saw her again.

I won’t tell you about the time my mother wrapped a leftover sardine around a piece of lettuce in her centerpiece, and my grandmother picked it up, took a bite out of it, and shouted, “Stop eating! The food is poisoned.”

Esther Blumenfeld (Surprise! The hostess is selling Tupperware.)

TRAIL MIX

Every morning I hike a few miles in Sabino Canyon, a beautiful spot in the Santa Catalina Mountain Range that began its formation over 12 million years ago. Hiking is one of the most exciting ways to explore the magic of the Southwest.

I like venturing off the beaten path, but even those who hike the main trail to the top of a mountain are expected to follow some basic rules:

Runners and hikers are expected to yield to equestrians, which makes a lot of sense unless you enjoy getting run over by a horse.
Bicyclists are supposed to yield to everyone and to announce themselves when they are behind someone. They should avoid using a bullhorn because that could spook a tourist, and spooked tourists leave bigger scat than non-spooked tourists.
Anyone going downhill is supposed to yield to those gasping on their way uphill.
Groups of women should not block a trail, but if they do, it’s best to let them go ahead of you, so you don’t think you are being followed by a flock of cackling chickens.
Using headphones or ear buds is not a good idea, because you might miss a shout of “ mountain lion!” “I didn’t hear it coming” would look dumb in your obituary.
If you plan to go any further than the parking lot, carry water, wear a hat, bring sunscreen and carry a cell phone. I even carry a soccer whistle in case I come across game, and in the mountains that can be some game!
If you hike to the top of the mountain, remember you have only hiked half way, unless you want to jump off.
Leave no trace that you have been there. That means if you quaff an energy drink, you should have the strength to toss the can into a dumpster.
Share a friendly greeting. I often ask camera-snapping tourists if they’d like me to take their photo to include the photographer. Most visitors are thrilled, but not if I order someone to get into the picture and he doesn’t know those people.
If you see a celebrity, leave him alone. One day, I spotted the model, Fabio running down the path with his long hair flowing behind him. Unfortunately, he was wearing a shirt.

During the summer season, we suffer a shortage of rain, but not a shortage of stupid. Someday, I’d love to own a tee shirt with a picture of a big cigarette and the words, “Keep your butt off of my trail.” By the way, everyone stops when a rattlesnake crosses the road. No one cares why he wants to get to the other side. Of course if you sit on a big rock to rest your footsies, you just might find out.

Esther Blumenfeld (there’s a tarantula on my welcome mat)