Maybe Tomorrow

It’s a statistical fact that over 30% of all tax filers wait until April 15^th to file their taxes. All of us are familiar with procrastination. Webster defines it: “to put off from day to day; to defer; postpone.” When asked about procrastination, Robert Benchley said, “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

Over 600 books have been written to help people snap out of putting off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and some people have even made careers by becoming, “anti-procrastination coaches.” I guess they dismiss all excuses until the guilty “feel the burn.” Psychologists have dealt with “stress guilt crisis,” and “student syndrome.”

Who hasn’t heard someone say, “I do my best under pressure.” They never add that drinking 12 cups of coffee and eating a peck of pickled energy bars is part of the equation. People who procrastinate have excellent excuses, but the truth is always lurking in there somewhere:

“It was recommended I avoid stress.” (So you didn’t go to class.)

“I was distracted.” (Video games are distracting.)

“Things happened beyond my control.” (Cats do throw hairballs—even into computers.)

“The task was trivial.” (If you don’t go to the dentist, your gums will reject your teeth.)

“I am a person who needs no sleep.” (Let’s pretend.)

So what are some reasons why people stall, postpone or as the Scots put it, “let a-be?” Sometimes people are faced with an overwhelming task. Often it is also an unpleasant task such as drinking slop to prepare for a colonoscopy or a forthcoming family reunion---which can sometimes bring on the same reaction.

Being a perfectionist and fearing failure can also encourage people to “put it off,” “let it slide,” or simply “ignore it.” Unfortunately, most of the time,” It,” won’t just go away. Waiting for Providence is a very long wait, and the grass growing under one’s feet can soon become a meadow.

I don’t understand procrastinators, because I am the opposite. When assigned a task, I do it immediately, and am notoriously known for sending birthday cards a week before the person was even born. I arrive on time for appointments, and sometimes early for a really good party. Interestingly, although there are many descriptions and definitions for procrastination, it seems as if the linguists could not agree on an antonym for people like me. When I told a friend about this strange phenomenon, she said, “They probably never got around to it.”

The best definitions I could find in English Language Usage are “antecrastination (Latin inverse) or “proactive.” I guess I’ll have to settle for “Do it now.”

For me, Annie (who had a musical named after her) would sing:

 “Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow clears away the cobwebs---”

 But she was a fickle little girl, because the rest of her song is meant for all of you procrastinators out there:

“Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

I love ya Tomorrow!

You’re always A day A way!”

Esther Blumenfeld (Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday—Don Marquis)

The Earth Is Flat. Don't Fall Off!

I am going out on a limb. I promise my readers that the world will not end on December 21, 2012. So, are you going to believe the scientists at NASA and me, or those fools in Hollywood who plan to frighten you to death with the movie, 2012? If they really believed this claptrap, they’d let all of us see the movie for free, because what would they spend all that money on if they were dead?

There are six documented reasons why we should not let an attack of irrationality seduce us into panic or a binge of guacamole dip. These doomsayers attribute their theory to the ancient Mayan civilization, but those folks are no longer around to either explain themselves, or why they put some people into such a snit.

Myth #1

Maya predicted the end of the world in 2012. 

“Not so,” says Anthony Aveni, a Maya expert and archaeoastronomer at Colgate University. “It’s the time when the largest grand cycle of their calendar overturns, and a new cycle begins. The world is renewed, just like our New Year’s Day.” I assume without the hangover.

Myth #2

Breakaway continents will destroy civilization.

 Princeton University geologist, Adam Maloof studies pole shifts, which is not at all like pole dancing. He says, “Magnetic evidence in rocks confirms that continents have undergone rearrangement, but the process took millions of years—so slowly that humanity would not have felt the motion.” Consequently, even if you lie in the middle of the road, you won’t feel any motion, unless you are run over by a truck.

Myth #3

Galactic alignment spells doom.

Some people are afraid that the path of the sun will cross the midpoint of our galaxy, “the Milky Way” (the one in the sky not the candy bar) and that this line-up will expose the earth to powerful galactic forces. Other people, who have imbibed too much Kickapoo Joy Juice, see this event in a positive light, predicting “a dawn of better human consciousness.” I guess this is when you smoke your weeds rather than pull them. David Morrison, a senior scientist with NASA Astrobiology Institute says, “Horoscope writers, (and may I add chiropractors) may be excited by alignments, but in reality alignments mean nothing. They create no changes in gravitational pull, solar radiation, planetary orbits or anything else that would impact life on earth.”  And, University of Texas Maya expert, David Stuart writes, “No ancient Maya text or artwork makes reference to anything of the kind.”

Myth #4

Planet X is on a collision course with earth.

The origin of this theory predates the 2012 phenomena. Popularized in part by a woman who claims to receive messages from extraterrestrials, the Nibiru doomsday was originally predicted for 2003. Oops, missed it by that much!

Myth #5

Solar storms to savage the earth.

Okay, so now the sun is our enemy and will produce lethal eruptions. There is no scientific evidence that the sun is planning a barbeque.

Myth #6

Maya had clear predictions for 2012.

Aveni, the archaeoastronomer (who picked a profession that is hard to spell) compares the cycles in the Mayan calendar to our own New Year period, when “the closing of an era is accompanied by feverish activities” (like our parties, overeating, drinking and kissing strangers) “and is followed by a rebirth and resolutions to begin a better life.” I assume if those Mayans remembered what they did the night before. “In fact,” Aveni says,“the Maya weren’t much for predictions.”

So, you can show me your appreciation for this good news on December 22, 2012, but if I was wrong---forget about thanking me.

Esther Blumenfeld (Don’t drink the Kool-Aid)

Like This Is Like What It's Like

A few weeks ago, I was listening to Diane Rehm, the award-winning interviewer on NPR (National Public Radio) and she used the expression, “My bad.” The next morning, once again, those two words showed up in the newspaper comic strip, Zits. “My bad,” it seems, is the new, ”I’m sorry.”

In 1887, Thomas Hardy wrote, in The Mayor of Casterbridge, “The universe likes nothing better than change.” I’d venture a guess that most teenagers haven’t read, The Mayor of Casterbridge, but they certainly like change---especially when it involves the English language. We used to call it “slang,” but now I think it is a linguistic revolution brought about by modern technology. Kids are better with computers than most adults, and have finally found a way to communicate without “POS” (parents over shoulder).

Some people will think that this creativity is “sick” (awesome, cool, or surprising), but it just leaves me “SMH” (shaking my head). My 15-year-old friend down the block would say, “Don’t get ‘salty’ (bad attitude) on me, while telling me that my new shoes are “ill” (great, cool). Recently, I asked her, “How is your new teacher?” And she replied, “He’s so fly.” That is good. But she had to cut our conversation short, because she wasn’t wearing a sweater, and the weather had gotten “dumb” (very) cold. She also said, “I have to go do my homework, so I won’t be put under ‘house arrest’ (grounded).

I don’t want to be “Old Testament” (old school) about all of this, nor do I want to “Nancy Drew” (over-analyze) it, but sometimes it’s “OBVI” (obvious) that I’m a bit “Jell-y” (jealous) when I try to communicate with kids, and I find that my efforts are on “Epic Fail” (task meant to be easy but isn’t).

Last night was “Flop” (didn’t work out). I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend, but she “flopped” on me. She’s such a “flop!” Then I got invited to a “Kickback” (a small party). Everyone was “uberklempt ” (excited) about the pizza, but the delivery was a “Big Fail Mary” (did not go as planned). The order was “jacked up” (messed up), and everyone thought that anchovies with pineapple tasted “rank” (gross).

Luckily, I had brought my camera, and had the “brillaz” (brilliant) idea to take a picture of the group. Unfortunately, it was a “fail” (failure) because the pizza delivery guy got in the way and caused a “photobomb” (ruined the picture).

Maybe because I exposed their secret language, teens will think I’m a “Hater” (assume I am ruining their lives on purpose). If they believe that, they are “pwned” (pronounced owned, and means, someone has proven you wrong). Because, by the time you read this article, I have already become a “n00b” (someone who doesn’t have knowledge of words for teens that are popular this week). For you purists, “n00b” is spelled correctly.

So read it and weep, or LOL (laugh out loud).

Esther Blumenfeld (my spell check just had a nervous breakdown)

Stuck On You And Everything Else

Someone in Guangdong China must be quite a practical joker!

I purchased a blouse, brought it home, and discovered an anti-shop-lifting device hanging from the sleeve. I knew that the only way to remove the “gator tag” was to either cut off the sleeve or return to the store. The magnetic strips on the tag were supposed to set off alarms, but obviously, this time, the electronic surveillance thingemajig hadn’t worked. It was made in Guangdong.

When I approached the saleslady, she removed the tag, and accusingly said, “How come the alarm didn’t go off when you left the store?” “Beats me,” I responded. “Maybe you should have your exit door removed.”

Electronic article surveillance was established in 1998, but it is a benign annoyance compared to those little plastic wire price tags that are attached to most articles that can be clamped, hooked or bolted. They are fastened with an “Attacher Tagging Gun,” which is another argument for gun control. Most of the time, I end up cutting off only half of the tag, and then the other end of the plastic barb hides somewhere in an article of clothing, only to emerge, and then prick me at a most inopportune time, in a most unreachable part of my anatomy.

However, most aggravating of all, are the brand stickers on my fruits and vegetables. These little fellows contain the PLU (price look up) codes for the convenience of store clerks. This helps them so they won’t have to distinguish between red and green apples, and deciphers how the fruit was grown. Conventionally grown produce has a PLU code of 4 numbers. Organically grown produce has 5 numbers beginning with number 9, and genetically engineered produce has 5 numbers, beginning with the number 8.

This technology was developed by an affiliate of the Produce Marketing Association. So, why, with all of this fancy numbering and sticking, didn’t any of those smart people figure out a way to remove the infuriating stickers from my tomatoes? I can vouch for the fact that they aren’t edible. When I inquired about sticker removal, it was suggested that I soak my fruit in warm water. I don’t even do that with my socks! The upside is that, if I can remove them, I can make a fashion statement by wearing banana stickers as tattoos.

My biggest gripe is the gluing of price tags on books. I love books and do not want anything adhered to them other than my opinion. And, it was suggested that I use lighter fluid to remove those sticky tags off the bottom of plastic cups. Common! Lighter fluid?

Esther Blumenfeld (I give up. The apple wasn’t so good, but the price tag was delicious)

Are We There Yet?

Recently, I overheard a friend telling someone that I don’t drive at night. This is not true. I drive at night. I just don’t love it. As a matter of fact, driving is not my favorite activity.

When I was 15-years-old, I learned to drive on the icy roads of South Dakota. It was either you skid or you miss. I never missed.  South Dakota was the last State in the Union to require a driver’s license. Consequently, it wasn’t unusual to see young children, who were accustomed to operating farm equipment, driving cars down country roads. There wasn’t much traffic, and people didn’t drive too fast, so I enjoyed it---but not anymore.

I’ve been in three accidents in my life. A young man who was on his way to procure brakes for his car caused the first. Unfortunately, he tried to get wherever he was going by running a red light and crashing into the driver’s side of my car. He claimed it wasn’t his fault because, “How was I supposed to stop without brakes?” He went to jail.

The second accident was with a man who thought he was on his side of the road, and couldn’t figure out why I was coming right at him. He took several swigs from his whiskey bottle before the impact. He told the police, “I’m too drunk to get out of my truck.” They believed him. He went to jail.

An old lady who couldn’t tell the difference between her gas pedal and her brake pedal caused the third accident. “I guess I stepped on the wrong one,” was her defense. She didn’t go to jail, but had an “S” for “Stupid” tattooed on her forehead. Well, she should have!

Who, in his right mind, thinks rush hour in Los Angeles, New York or London is fun? Or, who thinks driving in Italy or Greece is anything but insane when people drive on sidewalks? There are some nutty drivers out there. I was almost hit by a flying taxi in New York City. The driver yelled at me in a foreign language called “Bronx.”

Atlanta is a city with three perimeter highways. A few years ago an Atlanta Braves player couldn’t find the exit to the ballpark. He never did make it to the game. As far as I know, he is still going around and around and around. He is probably an old man by now.

I was in Tijuana, Mexico when the electricity failed. Drivers sat on the clogged streets and honked their horns hoping that someone would move. The police didn’t seem to care, because they were busy arresting a street vendor who was caught stuffing his tacos with iguana meat.

On the plus side, cars are built much better than they used to be, and I tend to get attached to my old car and want to drive it forever. My feeling is, “When you have something old and reliable, why take a chance on something new?”

Years ago, my parents asked me to drive them somewhere in their brand new automobile. After driving a stretch of highway, I came to an abrupt stop in front of a telephone pole. I didn’t hit it, but slammed on my brakes. When my Dad exclaimed from the back seat, “What are you doing?” I pulled out the steering column, with the attached wheel, and handed it to him.  I think that’s when I learned to say, “Next time, you drive.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” E.B. White)