Starting Over

There’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” It means that beginnings aren’t easy, and that every journey in life has to start somewhere. I don’t know where the expression, “new beginnings” comes from, because I have never experienced an old beginning.

You can put the past behind you, but as far as I know, you can’t put it ahead of you, because then you won’t know if you are coming or going. Usually a beginning comes after something ends.

When New Year’s Eve rolls around, people drink toasts to the end of the old year--- and then they toast in the new. Often, they resolve to do something better than they did the year before. However, after all of those toasts, the next day usually begins with something such as “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Starting anew is an adventure. A baby gets the courage to take that first step when he gets bored with just crawling around. Beginnings present challenges—some are exciting and some downright scary, but dancing backwards through life just doesn’t work unless you have eyes in back of your head.

Some beginnings come from a decision to end something else---or fate makes the decision for us. When a door closes, you can’t open it again. You only think you can with selective memory. When someone says, “I miss the good old days,” I usually reply, “So you miss the Black Plague and the Inquisition?”

Sally Ber said, “The secret to getting ahead is getting started.” Of course with some people the problem arises that they have to take themselves along for the ride.

All I know is that if you wait for the perfect moment, you’ll never get started---you’ll never begin—and if you don’t begin, you’ll never get to where you need to go. Just ask any crawling baby.

Esther Blumenfeld (Inertia is a non starter)

Whose Little Data Base Are You?

It takes an extraordinary person to develop a technological wonder such as opening a door without a key. In the olden days, only burglars knew how to do that.

New generations of computerized home-automated products are now available such as a moisture sensor that detects water heater leaks, and color controls that can simulate a sunrise to awaken you. Of course, that can be quite a letdown if you open the blinds and it’s raining outside.

Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg, and a few other company honchos, have announced a partnership, Internet.org with plans to give access “to the two-thirds of the world who are not connected.” So now, besides searching for clean water, medical care, food, indoor plumbing, electricity, a job and safe shelter, the poor of the world will be able to get online, via mobile phones, and become part of a social network. All this only proves that you can’t program common sense.

Maybe I’m wrong. Stewart Brand said, “Once a new technology rolls over you, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road.” Ouch! I must admit that often I’m just not user friendly.

I worry that soon we will be drowning in technology. Mitchell Kapor said, “Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.” So who’s the tool around here? The problem arises that no one wants to question information coming out of an expensive machine that, at that price, would never have the nerve to lie to you. For example, my computer recently quoted a woman in the U.S. who said, “Canada isn’t really foreign soil.” Eh!

There is now a computerized headset called Google Glass that sits above the eyes and contains a tiny computer that takes pictures and videos, makes phone calls, sends e-mails and gets directions. This invasive technology will obliterate any privacy people have left. I assume that some smart attorneys will question these privacy issues.

Already, bars and casinos have banned the device. After all, how can casino security folks continue to spy on their gambling customers when these customers are already spying on each other? I thought the singer, Carmen Miranda looked silly wearing fruit on her head, but maybe someday Lady Gaga will wear a Google Glass Bra. “Here’s looking at you kid.”

On August 25, 2013 the television show, 60 Minutes had a segment featuring Facial Recognition Software. Once a person’s face is recognized, products geared for their purchasing habits can be advertised. Manikins in store windows already have facial recognition surveillance. This might be an argument for donning a Berka before shopping. Right now, companies are tracking their customers through credit cards and store cameras. Smart phones are smarter than many of the people who use them, and can make facial recognition as easy as Google can.

So where are we going with all this unbridled data collection? Dave Berry predicts, “One day soon, the Gillette Company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer micro-chip can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”) Paul Ehrlich

What A Surprise!

This morning I was caught in the rain while hiking in the mountains. There wasn’t much I could do other than pretend I was in Seattle and keep right on walking. So I did!  Often, when confronted with the unexpected, a person just has to keep on keeping on.

Julius Caesar said, “No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.” I guess when Brutus stabbed him it was a bit unexpected. That was probably the only surprise party where the guest of honor was really surprised. “E tu Brute.”

There are so many curve balls that can change your life. Benjamin Disraeli claimed, “The expected always happens.”  I would add that it’s the unexpected that gets you. However, sometimes the unforeseen can change your life in a good way.

Before we met, an out-of-towner was visiting his aunt who lived in my community. She urged her nephew to ask me out on a date. Religiously opposed to blind dates, he refused her suggestion. In frustration, she got him in a chokehold and shouted, “All you have to do is ask the girl out. You don’t have to marry her!” He did and he did. I always claimed that my husband married me out of spite.

The unforeseen changed my life, as it has for many others. In medicine a milkmaid’s cowpox led to a smallpox vaccine. A dead dog’s pancreas, urine and some flies that liked sugar led to the discovery of insulin. Mold in a Petri dish brought us penicillin---All unexpected outcomes. Accidents are always unexpected. That’s why they aren’t called on-purposes. One moment you can be taking your dog for a walk, and the next moment you can trip over his leash and break your arm.

Small children are good at the unanticipated. At the most inopportune time, invariably while you are doing something such as trying to unclog the toilet with a plunger, the wee one will ask, “Where do babies come from?”

What I don’t understand is why people are surprised by change. By the time you acquaint yourself with the latest technology, it is no longer the latest technology. Isaac Asimov noted, “All kinds of computer errors are turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.”

A surprise is always unexpected unless it’s not a surprise. You know that the guest of honor wasn’t told about his surprise party when he shows up in his skivvies. Then there’s Lee Trevino who said, “My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens if you haven’t been home in 18 years.”

There are unexpected beginnings and unexpected endings and of course all the surprises in-between. For me, I always thought I’d get old, but I didn’t expect it would come so soon. Surprise!

So, my advice is: Meet serendipity head on when you can, and remember that the best mysteries have unexpected endings.

Esther Blumenfeld (When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”) Steven Wright

A Line In The Sand

For several days, my friend Fay was stalking a large lizard. Somehow he had gotten into her house and decided to take up residence in her territory. She’d see him climbing up a wall in the kitchen, peering down at her from the ceiling in her bedroom and racing across the floor---any floor he chose.  She finally trapped him behind the toilet, put a box over his wriggling body and unceremoniously threw him outside—shouting, “Never darken my door again!”

All of us protect our personal space. No one likes to be backed against a wall face to face with an animated conversationalist---especially if she spits when she talks.

The 22.96 square miles of Manhattan (New York not Kansas) has a daytime population of 3.94 million residents, commuters and visitors, and they all feel the need to establish boundaries---not an easy thing to do on the subway at rush hour. So the rule is don’t talk, don’t look, and if you value your life, do not touch!

A case in point: A friend of mine was in Manhattan. She tapped a woman on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, can you please tell me the time.” The woman whirled around and yelled, “Never touch anyone in New York City!” To this day, my friend still doesn’t know what time it was.

My husband, Warren believed that when visiting an alien place you should follow the customs, so when he was in New York and a fellow shouted, “Hey, Buddy, where’s the subway?” Warren pointed down at the sidewalk and kept right on walking.

When a singer in a club came to my table and said, “Doll, do you have a request?” I said, “Yes, go away!” He was in my space.

Minding one’s own business is annoying to some people. They are the ones with intrusive questions such as, “Did you make a lot of money on that play?” Are those your real teeth, How much do you weigh? And, “Why are you leaving?”

When establishing boundaries, you can always tell someone to meet you outside and then lock the door, but that is hard to do if you are lying on a deserted beach, enjoying the solitude and the sound of the waves, and a family with 5 Frisbee playing children spread their blanket right next to yours.

Noel Coward would have said, “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“The problem with people is that they’re only human.”) Bill Watterson

North To The Future

Naturalist, John Burroughs wrote, “I go to nature to be soothed and healed and to have my senses put in order.” This is, of course, part of the appeal of taking a cruise to Alaska, and so the adventure began.

I rendezvoused with my son, Josh and daughter-in-law, Barbara at a hotel in Seattle. After a good night’s rest, we hired a driver from the hotel to take us to the dock, where we, and our 5 pieces of luggage, were unceremoniously dropped off. It was a beautiful sunny day, which was a bit of luck since we had started out with 6 pieces of luggage, and our ship was at a different dock several miles away. So far, this was not a soothing experience.

After 15 minutes, the driver returned, loaded us, and our 5 pieces of luggage, back into his car and drove us to the correct destination. This time we could see our ship and a million fellow passengers, so we knew we were in the right place. Boarding was relatively easy. Once we unpacked, Josh arranged that the partitions between our balconies be removed, so we could have one big balcony to enjoy the scenery. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to tell me that he had done this, so when he pounded on the glass of my balcony door, I thought I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie being attacked by sea gulls.

After my senses were put back into order, we explored the magnificent ship and began to relax, as we enjoyed a day at sea on our way to the “Land of the Midnight Sun.” The cabins, the food, the entertainment and the amenities were excellent. And, without a doubt, this was a clean ship! I have never been so sanitized in my entire life. At every turn someone carrying a leather bota would spritz my hands---not with wine, but disinfectant. The dining room was beautiful, but so sterile that it could have served as an operating theatre if the waiter had decided to fillet one of the guests instead of a fish.  By gum! No one was getting sick on this vessel.

Ketchikan, Alaska’s wettest city treated us to a glorious sunny day, and after touring Saxman Totem Pole Park, and learning about the artistry and history of Alaska’s native peoples, we enjoyed a rowdy action-packed Lumberjack Show featuring some of the world’s best lumberjacks---who chopped, sawed, threw axes, speed climbed, log rolled and managed to finish with all of their fingers and toes intact. Barbara told Josh that he was absolutely not allowed to go out and buy power tools.

The next day, three pilots came aboard to lead us through the inside passage, past the glaciers of Tracy Arm, but the floating ice was too dangerous, so instead we were guided through the Dawes Glacier area that turned out to be a special treat. The Captain invited the three of us and a few other privileged guests to view the magnificent blue (refracted light) glacier from the Heliport, so we bundled up in our winter jackets, hats and mittens and climbed to the top of the ship. It was too cold for me, so I took a few photos and decided to go to my cabin balcony where the view would be good, but I could pop into my cabin to warm up. On the way, down the hall, I passed a woman who asked me, “Is it cold out there?” I answered, “Global warming has not turned it into bikini weather yet, Lady.” She replied, “I guess then I should put on a sweater.” That’s when I decided there is a difference between the phrases, “It’s good talking to you,” and “It’s good talking with you.” She was the kind of person who could have asked me, “Do you know a sure cure for sea sickness?” and I would have had to answer, “Stand next to a cactus.”

Juneau, Alaska’s capital city was our next stop, where the Gold Rush of 1880 took second place to our shopping spree of 2013. Before returning to our ship to get ready for our whale watch on the Rum Runner Charter Boat, we stopped at the famous Red Dog Saloon. Again, the weather cooperated, and we were taken to Captain Chris’ boat where we sailed away and were treated to the sight of a pod of 7 whales.

We kept a respectful distance but those suckers were really BIG! “Thar She Blows” took on a whole new meaning for me when little air spurts turned into huge graceful creatures swimming not too far from our little boat. We also saw sea lions, seals and eagles on our voyage.

The frontier town of Skagway was our last stop in Alaska. While Barbara and Josh took a ride on the White Pass and Yukon Route Train, I walked about town enjoying the historic district. Our last ports were Victoria, Canada where we took a buggy ride around town, and then Seattle where we spent a glorious day with family.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. This was my third sojourn to Alaska, but seeing it through the eyes of my children made it very special.  It made me realize that when you get old, you will regret the things you failed to do, more than the things you did.

Esther Blumenfeld (Waking a sleeping grizzly to snap his picture is not a good idea.)