No Reverse Gear

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a pilot or a bartender. I was told that, “Girls don’t fly,” and my mother forbade me from becoming a bartender. It wasn’t the mixing of drinks that intrigued me, but I was curious about all those imaginative stories that I suspected customers must tell.

When I attended college, I wanted to write comedy for television, but was told that only one woman wrote for television.  Her name was Agnes Nixon and she wrote soap operas that weren’t very funny. Then I thought of having a career operating television cameras, but was told that I would never get a job, because I could never join the Cameraman’s Union. The professor added, “And you girls learn to type.” I took his advice and began typing my life-long observations---and eventually got paid for them.

Some people think life is a crapshoot and others think it’s a matter of choices. It’s probably a combination of both. I knew a successful salesman in Atlanta who struck up a conversation with a Japanese man while sitting in the Atlanta airport. The young man told him that the Japanese were going to import automobiles to the United States, and asked the salesman if he would be interested to have the franchise for the southeastern part of the country. The salesman thought to himself, “Who in his right mind will buy a Japanese car?” and he politely refused the offer. The young man was a representative from Toyota.

There are always decisions to be made when coming to that inevitable fork in the road. Hindsight can be an entertaining exercise when thinking, “If I had done this instead of that.” However, it’s a dangerous game when one says, “If I had ONLY done this instead of that.” There is a difference between wistful thinking and unreasonable regret.

In 1978, Berkshire Hathaway stock sold for $175 a share. Today the stock is trading at $175,852.00 a share. Now that is a wistful twinge at its best.

You don’t have to be a student of World History to realize in hindsight that---so often--- if humanity had zigged instead of zagged, the world would be in a different place---maybe better---maybe not.

It’s probably healthier to live the life we have today, rather than dwell on an imagined life built on unfulfilled dreams. As far as I know, there are no magic lanterns giving us go backs. Ah, there’s the rub.

When I was in Windsor, our guide told us that the Queen of England enjoys driving her automobile, “But Her Majesty is a terrible driver!” I often imagined that I would have had my 15 minutes of fame if she hit me. Think of the headline, “Tourist run over by the Queen.” Imagine the lawsuit! Wow! I could have had it made. Now that is some hindsight.

My friend, Al Fisher said something quite wise, “I’m actually a better person than I used to be, but I’m not as good as I’ll be tomorrow.” It’s called, foresight.Try it, you just might like it.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Hang on to the good memories. Have no regrets. Proceed”) anonymous

Watching Paint Dry

I complained to a friend about the agonizing process I have to go through while trying to get a production for my most recent play. She tried to comfort me by saying, “I read that it took one playwright 20 years to get his first play produced.” I replied, “I don’t have that much time.” Barbara Johnson said, “Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.”

My mother used to say, “If you are patient when untying a knot, you will be patient with your husband.” Obviously, she never heard of the legendary Gordian Knot that was so impossible to untie that Alexander the Great supposedly sliced it in two. I think that is where the expression, “thinking outside the box” originated.

I agree with Dame Edith Sitwell who said, “I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.” It’s been said that good things come to those who wait, but I don’t want to wait so long that I’ll be too old to enjoy them.

Young people today are masters of instant gratification. They are the “I want it now!” generation. So how does a parent teach patience to a child who’s been raised on instant messaging and fast food dinners? And, does patience really matter?

In the 1960’s, a Stanford University Professor tested the will power of 4-year-olds. He gave them some marshmallows and told them they could eat one right away, or if they waited 15 minutes, they could have two---and then he left the room. Observing the children through a one-way window, he discovered that only 30% of them could wait. I guess they figured a marshmallow in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, and how long is 15 minutes anyway to a four-year old?

Over the years, he kept track of the children and found out that patience and the ability to wait might predict later success in life. Those who waited were more positive, better motivated, had higher incomes and healthier relationships. I wonder if he had a control group of children who didn’t like marshmallows.

Of course, hard work and patience can pay off in musical or athletic training---or when tackling any new task. My 84-year-old friend Fay brags that while patiently following the instructions of a new phone friend from India, she crawled around the floor under her desk, sweating profusely, while disconnecting and re-connecting all kinds of wires to fix the glitch on her computer. I think she should have bragged about getting up off the floor.

Steven Wright suggests that the next time you are stuck in traffic, miss a flight, or are waiting in line at the post office, be patient and remember that, “the sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“All things come to him that waits---provided he knows what he is waiting for.”) Woodrow T. Wilson

Forbidden Ferrets

Starting today, Arizonans face about 250 new legislative mandates.

I’m a very reasonable person. When a warning on a bottle says, “Poison!” I know not to drink the stuff, and when I see a sign that says, “Beware, Quicksand!” I figure that’s not the best place for a stroll. However, 250 new laws seem a bit overwhelming---especially when they have been written by a group of exceedingly underwhelming legislators.

There is no way that I can remember 250 new rules, but two of them stuck with me; “Ferrets will be forbidden in restaurants as service animals.”  However, as far as I know, there is no law that says that the chef can’t fricassee one of them.

Also, the law that originally exempted “idiots and lunatics from jury service” has now been changed to more socially acceptable language. That, of course, prevents lunatics from having a jury of their peers.

Wallace Stegner said, “It’s the beginning of wisdom when you recognize that the best you can do is choose which rules you can’t live by, and it’s persistent and aggravated imbecility to pretend you can live without any.”

I once drove in Tijuana, Mexico when the city lost its electricity. There were no operating traffic lights, and that led to drivers ending up in the center of an intersection honking at each other. I learned several Spanish words I had never heard before.

Some laws are sensible and necessary. Don’t wait for an accident to learn the rules of the road. It also helps if you know the difference between the gas pedal and the brake. There are so many “Don’ts” in this life. I must admit that I have ignored some of them.

When a park bench has a sign that says, “Wet Paint. Do Not Touch!” I can’t resist checking it out with the tip of my index finger, but I don’t sit on the bench. I’m naturally skeptical---not senile.

When a soldier on the Wall of China, put his hand in front of my face and shouted, “No photos!” I snapped one after he left. I don’t like being yelled at in any language. Of course, I did the same thing in Ireland, when soldiers, carrying machine guns, jumped out of a truck yelling, “No pictures!” They were collecting store bank deposits while keeping watch for the IRA. How did they know that this tourist spoke English? Got a great photo.

Henry David Thoreau said, “Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it.” In Australia, there were signs on the beach, “No Swimming! Alligators!  Not wanting to end up as Alligator fodder, I followed that rule, but plenty of locals did not. They didn’t seem to care if their children played in the surf. Must have had lots of children to spare.

A sign that never makes sense to me is, “Out of Order. Do not use!”

Larry Flynt, no paragon of virtue, did however; say something that makes sense, “Majority rule only works if you consider individual rights. Because you can’t have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.” In other words, decrees aren’t necessarily sacred, but principles are.

Esther Blumenfeld (“The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly”) Abraham Lincoln

Food For Thought

At one point in my life, I earned certification from the Atlanta Jewish Board of Education as a teacher of Social Ethics. For all of my efforts, I was awarded a lovely certificate and a not so lovely class of 15-year-old students. Soon, I decided that the best way to grab the attention of boys who would rather be playing baseball, and girls who’d rather be polishing their fingernails, was to role-play.

For my first lesson, I didn’t need many props---a walking cane, some cotton balls, pebbles, gloves and a pair of reading glasses lightly coated with Vaseline. The student, whom I volunteered to become old in an instant, put cotton in her ears, pebbles in her shoes, the glasses on her nose and the gloves on her hands. Yes, and after all that---she needed the cane.

I instructed another student to play the role of a bank teller, and gave her a form for her “elderly customer” to fill out. I also instructed her to speak softly and rapidly. Rapid is easy for teenagers. Then I asked three other students to get in line behind the “old lady.” One was a man late for work, another was a mother who needed to pick up her children at school, and the third was a fellow on his way to meet his girlfriend. I do not need to describe the rest of the exercise, but the reaction of the class was illuminating.

The conversation went something like this: “Getting old is hard.”  “It doesn’t have to be. My grandparents wear hearing aids and Grandma walks with a cane, but they just took a cruise to Japan and brought me a Samurai Sword.” I don’t know what the sword had to do with the conversation, but sometimes it’s hard to keep kids on track. One girl said, “I’d rather die than get old.” A chorus of “That’s stupid!” followed with glowing personal stories about their grandparents. But then the gadfly said, “Yes, but what if you get really sick when you are old?” Whereupon, I said, “What if you get really sick when you’re young?”

Then I asked, “So, what’s the worst thing about getting old?” Silence was followed by an illuminating comment from the back of the room. “The worst thing about getting old is when people treat you as if you are invisible—like you don’t matter anymore.” And, then the bell rang. Those students are now dealing with their own aging parents, and I often wonder if they remember the lesson.

P.G. Woodhouse said, “There is only one cure for grey hair. A Frenchman invented it. It is called the guillotine.”  I must admit that as I age, I sometimes fight the perception that I am becoming invisible, but then I remember that there is my inner essence and that belongs to me. If people show a glimmer of interest, I may or may not choose to share it with them.

One morning, I was alone, sitting at the top of a mountain, watching the sunrise. I thought, “In this big universe, do I really matter?” Then I heard a loud sneeze. It bounced from mountain to mountain. “Oh, nuts!” I thought, “Moses got a burning bush, and God sent me a sneeze.  Then I spied a hiker, and realized I wasn’t alone on the path.

My friend, Carol, a recorder of oral histories was commissioned to interview residents in nursing home, and then their stories were framed and hung outside of their rooms. The purpose of the exercise was that the elderly should not be pre-judged as “just old folks,” but as people who had made something of value with their lives. It was a brilliant exercise to battle prejudice—which comes from pre-judgment. It reminded everyone who entered a room that, “I’m not who I was, but that doesn’t mean that I am nobody.”

The hard thing about growing old is to accept the stupid remarks that come from the most unwelcome sources. A person is only invisible to those who don’t want to see them.  Margaret Atwood said it best; ”I’m not senile. If I burn down the house it will be on purpose.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“The sky is filled with stars invisible by day.”) Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What's In A Name?

“A rose is a rose/is a rose” especially if your name is Rose. That’s not so hard for people to remember. However meeting someone named DaVita might be more difficult. You could always associate it with Evita, but first you have to conjure up Argentina, and then hopefully remember, “It’s dat DaVita.”

I once met a man whose name was Theodore. “Wow!” I thought. “That’s easy. I’ll just recall Teddy Roosevelt.” So, the next time I saw him, I said, “Hi, Frank!” He excused himself after I said, “You’re the wrong President.” I have a visual memory, so when I meet someone, and write the name down, I can usually recall it by visualizing the piece of paper whereupon the name is written. However, when I am introduced to someone in a crowd, that name usually flies into one ear and out the other.

Hiking in Sabino Canyon, I often pass some of the same hikers everyday, and we usually exchange greetings. One nice couple always gives me a cheery hello. After doing this for a few years, I finally introduced myself. It was my lucky day. His name is Jack and her name is Jean. I just have to be careful not to call them Uncle Jack and Aunt Jean since I had one of each of those.

It’s most embarrassing when you see someone you know well and can’t remember her name. Sometimes you can get away with, “I’m having a senior moment” and everyone laughs, but when that person is your sister-in-law, forgetting her name can go over like a lead balloon.

I know a famous Atlanta based author who never remembers anyone’s name. It’s a tip-off when he greets someone with, “Hello, Darlin’!” The only time he lucked out was at a book signing when a woman’s name was Darlene. She was extremely flattered, because she’d never even met him.

The Eskimos have 52 names for snow. At least a person should remember one of them. “Snow” works for me. A good way to ensure that people will remember your name is to make a discovery or have a disease named after you. Who could ever forget that cut up, Joseph-Ignace Guillotin?

Mitch Hedberg said, “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”

Remembering someone’s name makes him feel important and special, so don’t say, “I haven’t forgotten your name, I’ve repressed it. That might not go over so well.

Most people are lousy listeners and that is part of the problem with names. I’ve already mentioned mnemonic device as a memory method.  Here are a few others suggested by experts:

When meeting someone, ask him to spell his name. Of course if his name is Joe, he will think you are stupid and it won’t matter if you remember it or not.

Keep repeating the name. “Hi, Jill.” “Nice to meet you Jill.” “So what’s new Jill?” “Why are you leaving, Jill?”

Visualize her name on her forehead. If you meet someone named Cat, you can always visualize a litter box.

Associate the name with an outstanding facial feature, but be sure to pick a good one, because “Hi, Wart” might not go over so well.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell---the name will carry.”) Bill Cosby