GETTING THERE

I never thought I’d ever have anything in common with Keith Richards (The Travelllin Man) until recently when he announced, “The Rolling Stones won’t tour anymore.”  At 82 he said, “The wear and tear of traveling takes it out of you!” Of course, I was never on the road like he was, but for me, it’s the airport hardships that I just can’t face—- ALONE. 

In the good old days, I used to be able to fly directly to my destination  unless I was going overseas, but not anymore. Now, in order to get anywhere, I have to visit a “Hub.”  Unfortunately, no longer am I able to run from gate to gate—let alone from terminal to terminal.Consequently, I am relegated to taking a wheel chair. A friend told me, “Tip ahead of time.“ I took her advice, and when I waved a  $10.00 bill into my pusher’s face, he would bless me all the way to my gate. Now, things are different, because people who use wheel chairs are getting younger and younger. They have figured out that it’s an easy way to get through the airport.  Then, they have the audacity to jump out of their wheel chairs before they even stop rolling. Now, it’s more difficult to get a wheel chair—let alone finding someone to push it.

I have a 93-year old friend who was picked up at the Baggage Department by her children at the Washington State airport.  They were amazed to see their Mother pushing her wheel chair.  No one came to take her to Baggage, so she put her carry-on and purse on the wheel chair and pushed it herself.

It was easy for me when coming home from Cuba with my son and daughter-in-law.  My son, Josh pushed my wheel chair, and we arrived at Customs in no time. The agent asked Josh if he had packed any liquor. Josh had packed the allotted amount of Rum.  Then the agent leaned over his desk and asked me, “Did you pack any liquor?”  I said, “No, I drank it on the plane.”

Changing planes is one problem, but then—of course—there are the delays. When flying to Hawaii the plane had a two-hour delay so the mechanics could fix the movie projector. Another time when flying home from New York, it took three hours for the replacement crew to arrive. They got a standing ovation from the passengers. Then there was the time at O’Hare Airport in Chicago when one of the runways was out of commission and we had to circle the airport for five hours.  It reminds me of the saying, “Takeoffs are optional. Landing is mandatory.”
Recently, my brother, David came to visit me.  He was supposed to fly from Tampa to Atlanta and from Atlanta to Phoenix.  He sent me a text, “My plane will be on time from Detroit.”

Then there are the TSA adventures.  A friend of mine told me that when the TSA Agent unzipped her carry-on, her bras went flying everywhere.  Unless he was looking for slingshots she carried no weapons.

After boarding a plane there are the seating rules. 

Smile, Say “Hello” and then Shut Up!
Keep your feet and garbage in your own footwell.
Do not recline your seat during meal time.
If you have to leave your seat, it’s better to gently waken the passenger next to you rather than aggressively climbing over her so she won’t wake up screaming.

As Keith Richards would sing, “Who’s driving your plane? Are you in control or is it driving you insane?”

Esther Blumenfeld