SMOOTH SALE-ING

All of us know about Sailing (as in the Americas Cup), but Sale-ing, as in garage sales, yard sales and house sales is a sport whose fans are legion, but whose games are never covered on television or in newspapers.

The roots of Sale-ing as a sport sprouted in the Garden of Eden, when Eve, the world’s first customer, said to the serpent, the first yard sale vendor, “You expect me to pay WHAT in exchange for that apple?” It was, however, difficult for garage sales to flourish until years later when someone invented  a garage—-possibly Hannibal, who needed someplace to park his Yak out of the snow. However, it is doubtful that even Hannibal owned enough stuff to hold a garage sale, because “stuff” wasn’t invented until the Middle Ages when an entrepreneurial member of the Suits of Mail Guild had a few takers for his Male Order wares, which unfortunately tended to poke through their envelopes at inopportune times. Thus, the sport of Sale-ing didn’t really take hold until the Age of Enlightenment.

Now, in the 21st Century, the thrill of Sale-ing has attracted many devotees to the sport. Every sport has its own language. For instance,  “Touchdown” is the favorite word in football. So, if you are considering taking up the sport of Sale-ing, it is helpful to learn the lingo. For instance, “My, you have interesting taste,” means, “I can’t believe you’d own that hideous thing.” Or, “Cousin Matilda would love that!" means “Flashy, tacky, and cheap—just like Cousin Matilda.”
And, “It has possibility,” means, “I want it, therefore, I need it.”

If you have questions about the works or quirks of any appliance for sale, ask the youngest member of the family selling stuff. The kid will give you the real poop. Once you are ready to haggle, and if you don’t know how to negotiate, try some of these lines to test the waters:
“I doubt if anyone else will find a use for this item, but for the right price, I’d be willing to take it off your hands.” “I know that’s a reasonable price for that item, but I can’t afford it. Do you have a similar item that’s not that nice?” And, “If you’re asking $10 for that dish, how many do I have to buy to get them for $10?” You become a winner, if the owner flunked arithmetic in grade school.

There are hazards with every sport, but if one indulges in Sale-ing two risks are money and time. When, as beginners, you are on a collision course of  spending too much time and money it can trigger a disease known as “Rapture of the Deep Pockets.” Symptoms are Hydrophobia (a morbid fear of rain checks) an inability to say, “No,” and an obsessive desire to fill one’s home from stem to stern with flotsam and jetsam. When your home finally overflows, and it will, you’ll know it’s time to bail out and take up Sailing. No, not Sale-ing, Sailing. And, you will finally get away from it all, and discover the joys of swabbing decks and scraping barnacles from the bottom of your boat.

Esther Blumenfeld (Based on the column, “Southern by Choice,” ACCENT ON HOMES AND LIVING MAGAZINE, c. Blumenfeld and Alpern, 1991-1993)