THE BEST GIFT EVER

When I was a little girl, someone gave me a moving company box. I turned it upside down and cut out a door and a window. It was the best gift ever! I have seen toddlers tossing gifts aside and delightedly playing with the wrapping paper. Sometimes a simple item will surprise and delight---or not.

Fifty years ago, when my friends Bob and Lynne were planning their wedding, Lynne’s wealthy Aunt told them that she was sending them a valuable, irreplaceable gift.  Lynne imagined a beautiful piece of china or crystal, but when the package arrived, it turned out to be two extremely heavy, hippopotamus head bookends.  “I hated those bookends, but I didn’t want to hurt my Aunt’s feelings,” Lynne bemoaned. “But, no matter how many times we moved, and no matter how many times I dropped those damned hippopotamus, they never did break.”

It makes us happy to give gifts, and we hope that what we have given people will make them happy. However, in all fairness, sometimes gift giving can be daunting. On occasion, I have given gifts and received no acknowledgment, so there was no way to know if the gift was received, let alone appreciated. Often gift cards are not used, and mailed checks are not cashed.  In those cases, if someone would only say, “Thank you. You shouldn’t have”---I wouldn’t have.

My husband, Warren (of blessed memory) was a very generous man, but on occasion he would bring me some odd gifts. I received loaves of sourdough bread carried in a suitcase from San Francisco, and a Styrofoam box containing a lobster from Boston. That made some kind of weird sense since he liked both sourdough bread and lobster. And he was the boy, who, many years ago, had given his dainty mother a basketball for her birthday.

 However, when he got off the commuter train in Chicago, and presented me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, I thought it a bit odd since he had never brought me flowers before. I was really touched until I noticed the big, black ribbon that tied the flowers together with a sticker wishing me a “peaceful rest.”

“Thank you,” said I, “But what’s up with the black ribbon?” He had a big smile on his face when he said, “All day long, vendors were selling these bouquets on every corner for the Senator’s funeral. At the end of the day, they were giving them away, so I brought one for you.” 

He looked so proud, that I didn’t have the heart to say, “I’m glad you didn’t bring me the wreath.” I know it is the thought that counts, but I never did figure out what in the world he was thinking.

It is best not to expect too much, because sometimes you will be disappointed. When I was a pre-teen, I really wanted a bicycle, but when I saw the box, I knew this was going to be something I couldn’t ride. Some door-to-door salesman had talked my parents into buying me a large all-in-one-book encyclopedia. When I saw how excited and proud they were to give me that gift, I swallowed my disappointment, and thanked them profusely. After awhile, I did use the book, and eventually got my bike. 

I am glad that my parents never knew how disappointed I was with their gift, because the love behind it was what really counted.  Afterall, the people who care about us are the real gifts---the real blessings---that we should cherish everyday.

Esther Blumenfeld

CELEBRATE WHILE YOU CAN

A friend of mine recently said, “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday anymore, because I’m just too old.”  “Well,” I responded, “I for one am glad your parents had sex!” That visual stopped her in her tracks and she began to celebrate with an extra large martini.

No one is ever too old to commemorate a happy occasion, and it is selfish to deprive your friends of the opportunity to enjoy happy times in your life with you. That is, if you have any friends left after being such a sour puss.

Lord knows, there are enough bad times to go around, and every once in awhile, it’s good to remind ourselves to kick up our heels and have some fun. If you do that, with loving friends, and/or family, there will be plenty of good wishes to go around.

If someone is a good person, it is a joy to celebrate the day of his or her birth.  If someone is a rotten person, he is probably the result of parents who had sex only once in their lives, and didn’t like it very much. In that case it’s a good idea to throw a party and not invite him.

There are all kinds of anniversaries that offer another excuse to celebrate. I have known people who celebrate both their wedding anniversary and the anniversary of their divorce. Some people throw parties for pets.

I once had a neighbor who paid $5000.00 to have a portrait painted of her buck-toothed dog. The whole neighborhood was invited to celebrate the portrait unveiling. The painting wasn’t all that good, but the story of that party lives on.

Sometimes, when no one is available to celebrate an occasion with me, I take myself out for dinner and entertain myself. I make a toast to life---the one I’ve led so far, and to the right-now-day that I am living.

With all the joy and pain that life brings, I’m still grateful for each blessed day. I am glad that my parents knew each other in a Biblical way, since I can always celebrate them on my birthday.  I can also celebrate the birth of my baby brother, even though it took me awhile to understand that my parent’s gift to me came with a no return policy.

So, rejoice while you can---the blessings of family, friends and life itself. Take it from me; tears from laughter are the best kind.

Esther Blumenfeld

CREDIBLE INCREDIBLE

If you order a Service Dog Vest on-line, that does not make your dog a Service Dog---nor does it make you a disabled person---unless fibbing is considered a disability that requires a pet.

Many things can be ordered on-line, but one of my favorites is certification as a “Life Coach.”  Life Coaching has become very popular, and the Harvard Business Review reports that it has become a $1 billion a year industry, and some Life Coaches make as much as $3000 an hour.  These people are not psychologists, psychiatrists, State Certified counselors or even priests, rabbis or ministers.  They are just regular folks you hire to tell you how to live your life better.

But, what if you get a Life Coach that has more problems than you do?

So, how does one become a “Certified Life Coach”? Easy! For example, one On-line course involves a 4-day home study class for $795 with an “easy payment plan.”  Of course, you have to stay home for 4 days to take it. This group claims to have over 6000 graduates worldwide. Obviously, that is an accreditation scam.

Everyone who has attended a college knows the term “accreditation,” which is the gold standard to assess different professional disciplines, but some, so called, coach training schools accredit themselves.

Presently, there are three Coach Industry associations; the WABC (Worldwide Association of Business Coaches), the IAC (International Association of Coaches) and the ICF (International Coach Federation). However, they have differences about coaching that prevent participants from transferring credit from one school to another.  And, there is a missing authority to accredit.  In other words, who accredits the supposed accreditors?

There is no reporting of learning outcome or success of graduates in the field---no statistical credibility. Being a fact driven person, testimonials just don’t do it for me.

Here’s what I surmise: No matter what the problem, when people want to make a life change, sometimes they need some support to do so. That’s why alcoholics go to AA that has a proven track record. Life Coaching is an unregulated activity which is often adopted by, perhaps well meaning, people, but many times unqualified people, who offer advice to others without any data to suggest the effectiveness of what they are doing---nor a Masters, PhD, or Medical degree to exhibit years of qualified training. And, there are many bad apples in the industry that are more than willing to peddle their services on the Internet and take peoples money.

If I have discouraged you from becoming a “Life Coach,” there are still many life- changing careers you can order on-line. You can become your own attorney, or get a certificate to perform weddings.  You can order a Russian bride and marry her by performing the ceremony yourself. And, you can order a casket made to order, but I think you might have to order some guys with shovels to finish the job.

One Life Coach found that “patients had damaged their inner-child.”  Unfortunately, she urges them to let that kid out!  I suggest that if that inner brat shows up at your house, you go on-line to get a Life Coach to put him back!

Esther Blumenfeld

THICK SKIN--THIN SKIN

I recently saw a one-year-old toddler bang his head on a table that he was trying to run under. He cried and held a piece of ice on his forehead. Then he tossed the ice away and quickly resumed scampering around the room. The child had begun to learn that sometimes life throws you for a loop, and it can hurt. But he chose to “suck it up” and got on with his whatever.

You can only skin a rabbit once, but people whose feelings are easily hurt can get skinned over and over again. I think that overly sensitive, thin-skinned supposed-to-be-adults can be humorless, vain and all too ready to stockpile resentments and bitterness for years, and sometimes waste energy trying to get even.

In all fairness, it takes a heap of living to develop a thick skin. After the Chinese government severely abused his Country and his people, someone asked the Dalai Lama, “Why aren’t you angry?” He replied, “If I got angry then I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, or eat, and my health would deteriorate. My anger couldn’t change the past or improve the future, so what use would it be?”

A thick-skinned person can let go of anger, evaluate a situation and choose how to act in response. That is what Martin Luther King did. There’s a Texas saying, “A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.” Why Texans think that worms are animals is another story.

As a professional writer and also having experienced the vicissitudes of life, I count my battle scars and rate myself among the thick-skinned, although that does not mean that I have lost my ability to feel for the needs other people. If my feelings had gotten hurt every time I faced rejection of my work, I would have quit a long time ago.

It’s a given that in the realm of humor, someone will take offense. If I wrote a funny article about turtles, I can promise you that some turtle lover would get his knickers in a twist. To illustrate my point: The best seller, OH, LORD, I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA received many awards and accolades, but one day, when the mail arrived, I found a copy of the book in my mailbox. The accompanying note read, “I won’t read your book, because the title takes The Lord’s name in vain.” No one who purchased the other 250,000 copies of the book complained, but Boy! Did she get even with me!

So, to summarize: 

Thin-skinned people need to remember that life is a balancing act. Unless you are a hermit, you have to deal with other people who can sometimes be rude and downright hurtful. Sometimes, when it’s important, you have to push back. Other times, it’s okay to just---let it go---along with the resentments.  Pick your battles carefully because life is really short.

On the other hand: If you develop a skin so thick that it becomes an iron shield, you can then become oblivious to the real concerns of other people, and the price to pay is not feeling anything. No one wants a doctor who views his patient as a body part rather than a whole person who is in emotional and/or physical pain.

A doctor once advised me to have surgery. He said, “ I did the same operation on my mother-in-law.” I responded, “Dr. I have only one question. Do you like your mother-in-law?” A little push back can go a long way.

Esther Blumenfeld

MONKEY BUSINESS

When I was a pre-teen, my parents and I went on vacation to New York City.  One afternoon, when I was on my own, I noticed a store that had a “Going Out Of Business” sign in the window. Being curious, I gravitated to the store. The salespeople paid me no mind, but a few minutes later, a young man wandered in. One of the salesmen growled, “ You need help?”  “No, thanks,” said the man. “I’m just browsing.”  “Then get outta here,” yelled the salesman. Not wanting to be eaten alive, the young man and I dashed out of the store.

I don’t cotton to the notion that all New Yorkers are rude---anymore than I believe that all Southerners are charming. However, when conducting business, a little charm can go a long way.

When I lived in Georgia, I took my Mother to a restaurant. As we were leaving, the waitress said, “Y’all come back now.” So, my Mother turned around and went back. When she returned she said, “That woman wanted me to come back, but when I did, she didn’t want me to come back now even though that’s what she said. I was confused, so I gave her another tip.”

Also, no matter in what part of the Country you live, being rude to a secretary, the person between you and the boss, is really dumb. Telling an off-color joke can delay your appointment for at least a year.

In my career, I worked for many editors, some better than others. I have a friend who is now a very successful author. At one point she and I worked for the same magazine. She was assigned a story, and conducted 40 interviews for background accuracy. When she submitted the article, the editor rejected it saying, “This is not what I want, but I don’t know what I want.” Happily, she did not slit her wrists or shoot him.  A good boss can inspire loyalty.  A bad boss needs to beware of what his employee might put into his coffee.

In my hometown, there was a manufacturer who had an excellent reputation. During the Great Depression, the owner sent goods to stores around the Country, trusting them to pay when they could. He saved many stores from going out of business, and his customers were forever loyal. At the same time, in Atlanta, a department store owner gave chits to teachers, so they could get supplies for their students. Stories about that owner were legendary, and his customer base was constant.

Recently, a friend of mine needed a loaf of Holiday Bread. She got to the bakery and discovered that she had left her wallet at home.  The baker gave her the bread anyway and said it was a gift. She went back the next day to repay him the money, but how can anyone repay that kindness?  How a person conducts business is really a microcosm of how he or she conducts one’s life.

I’ve never seen a tombstone that says, “He made a billion bucks!” No one cares, because in the end, it’s the business of being a good person that really is the best epitaph.

Of course if you go to the cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona you might read, “He was a no good son-of-a bitch who stole my horse, but I forgave him after they hung him.”  Even in the good old days, Monkey Business had its price.

Esther Blumenfeld