MONKEY BUSINESS

When I was a pre-teen, my parents and I went on vacation to New York City.  One afternoon, when I was on my own, I noticed a store that had a “Going Out Of Business” sign in the window. Being curious, I gravitated to the store. The salespeople paid me no mind, but a few minutes later, a young man wandered in. One of the salesmen growled, “ You need help?”  “No, thanks,” said the man. “I’m just browsing.”  “Then get outta here,” yelled the salesman. Not wanting to be eaten alive, the young man and I dashed out of the store.

I don’t cotton to the notion that all New Yorkers are rude---anymore than I believe that all Southerners are charming. However, when conducting business, a little charm can go a long way.

When I lived in Georgia, I took my Mother to a restaurant. As we were leaving, the waitress said, “Y’all come back now.” So, my Mother turned around and went back. When she returned she said, “That woman wanted me to come back, but when I did, she didn’t want me to come back now even though that’s what she said. I was confused, so I gave her another tip.”

Also, no matter in what part of the Country you live, being rude to a secretary, the person between you and the boss, is really dumb. Telling an off-color joke can delay your appointment for at least a year.

In my career, I worked for many editors, some better than others. I have a friend who is now a very successful author. At one point she and I worked for the same magazine. She was assigned a story, and conducted 40 interviews for background accuracy. When she submitted the article, the editor rejected it saying, “This is not what I want, but I don’t know what I want.” Happily, she did not slit her wrists or shoot him.  A good boss can inspire loyalty.  A bad boss needs to beware of what his employee might put into his coffee.

In my hometown, there was a manufacturer who had an excellent reputation. During the Great Depression, the owner sent goods to stores around the Country, trusting them to pay when they could. He saved many stores from going out of business, and his customers were forever loyal. At the same time, in Atlanta, a department store owner gave chits to teachers, so they could get supplies for their students. Stories about that owner were legendary, and his customer base was constant.

Recently, a friend of mine needed a loaf of Holiday Bread. She got to the bakery and discovered that she had left her wallet at home.  The baker gave her the bread anyway and said it was a gift. She went back the next day to repay him the money, but how can anyone repay that kindness?  How a person conducts business is really a microcosm of how he or she conducts one’s life.

I’ve never seen a tombstone that says, “He made a billion bucks!” No one cares, because in the end, it’s the business of being a good person that really is the best epitaph.

Of course if you go to the cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona you might read, “He was a no good son-of-a bitch who stole my horse, but I forgave him after they hung him.”  Even in the good old days, Monkey Business had its price.

Esther Blumenfeld

 

A WAY WITH WORDS

For all of my professional life, I tried to help people who are serious about developing their writing skills. That’s why I taught writing courses at Emory University, and was invited to teach at writer’s workshops and conferences around the Country.  However, that is very different from being taken advantage of by those on an ego trip.

When people go to a doctor, they wouldn’t dare say, “Doc, please rip out my tonsils for free.” Hey, attorneys even charge for a phone call when dispensing knowledgeable advice over the line. These folks are recognized professionals, and people expect to pay them for their expertise. But, somehow, writers don’t get the same respect.

The difference between a professional writer and a wanna-be writer is money.  Professionals work with contracts and get paid for their work. If it’s a published book or a produced play, there are advance payments and royalties paid to the writer by the publisher or producer---whereas---wanna-bees pay someone else to create their product.

“I think I can write like James Patterson” might not ring true, since he is so successful and rich because he knows how to develop a plot, introduce interesting characters and write so skillfully that he can keep readers absorbed in his books.  Patterson’s 300 million books have been edited, promoted and sold by reputable publishers, and no one has to pay reviewers to read them.

Recently, I have been inundated with requests to work for free.  One young woman e-mailed me and asked me to write a 15-minute speech for her. She’s a nice but clueless person, and it probably would have aged her considerably, had I had billed her the fee that I was paid the last time I did a ghostwritten speech.

That same day, I received two unsolicited self-published novels from relative strangers.  Unfortunately, they wanted my favorable opinion. What can I say about a 500-page wanna-be novel that has 7 plots in the first chapter? I gave it to a speed-reading friend, who finished the book and said, “What the Hell was that all about?” I guess something bad happened to the hero of the book in the first chapter, but the author forgot to tell us the why, when, where and how of that event in the other six plots. He also forgot to explain why the hero was so upset in the first place.

The second self-published work was from a nice, but misguided, man who thought he could write a romance novel. The sex scenes were obviously wishful thinking and hilarious. Laughter isn’t all that appreciated by the author when the writing isn’t supposed to be funny. It was a bit distracting that the author confused a “boudoir” and a “bouffant.” At first I thought it was a typographical error that, “She was afraid that someone would find him in her bouffant.” But after that, there were all kinds of hairy activities taking place in that “bouffant”.  Both books require gasoline and a match! 

If your family tells you they like your book, they may be lying. Remember, they have nothing to lose. However, if you send your book to me, and I say to you, “Wow!  That is really something!”---It probably is!

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “You can stroke people with words.” I don’t think he meant that your words should give someone a stroke.”

Esther Blumenfeld

ALL THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

It’s a tradition in my home to start the day with a cup of java and a newspaper. When visiting with my family in Washington, DC, the Washington Post was a real treat, but in Tucson, Arizona I have to settle for the Arizona Daily Star---not a bad paper---but certainly not the Post. I know I can get the news on my computer screen or tablet, but somehow it’s just not the same for me as print on paper.

So, here’s how I read my morning paper: I start by scanning the Sports Page. I’m not a sports fan, but knowing which team won and which team lost makes me look like less of a wuss to my friends. The weather is on the back of the Sports Section so that’s an easy page flip.

After I discard the Sports Page, I separate the funny papers and the television page from the rest of the paper. Sometimes the “Funnies” are really funny. The other day, there was a cartoon of a woman looking up into the sky, with a box on her head, and a drone delivered pizza running down her face. I understood that one. But, it is truly aggravating when I don’t comprehend the technical terms coming out of a bubble over a cartoon character’s head.

The Classified Pages are usually sparse reading---found pets, lost pets, apartments for rent and “new antiques” for sale, etc. Sometimes Public Notices are interesting. In so many words they warn, “Creditors beware, this guy is a deadbeat,” or “This person is going through a name change.”  I once knew a guy who changed his name from Teddy to Gary. I guess he wanted to be named after a city.

The Local News lets me know who shot his neighbor, which roads have the worst potholes, and which company is being fined for getting caught doing something they didn’t think they’d get caught for doing.

On the Editorial Page, I especially enjoy reading “Letters to the Editor.”  Living in Arizona, it is always comforting to know that when an angry person has a pen in his hand he won’t be able to hold a gun. 

Also, I learn something new everyday when reading the “Advice Column.” Yesterday, it featured a letter asking, “Do chess and sex mix?” It is illuminating to learn that Strip Poker is no longer in style.

At this point, I usually get a second cup of coffee and browse the ad section before I begin reading about, “The Nation” and “The World”.

There are companies that offer “easy financing, free delivery and a guy who’s going to break your fingers if you don’t pay up.” (I made up that last part.)

I enjoy reading about an “authentic family owned service” That’s so much better than an unauthentic family service. The Dollar Store sells a can of coffee for $6.00. That is confusing.  I thought they sold everything for a single Yen.  And, I discovered that the cheapest item featured in the grocery store ads is a flu shot.

Finally, I turn to the front page to read about all the bad things that are in the forefront of today’s news. It’s always upsetting to read from day to day that humanity is not as advanced as technology.  Then I noticed a headline that informed me that,  “Exercising when angry may trigger a heart attack.”

So, I read the obituary page to cheer myself up. Most people who live in the desert are well preserved and live to a ripe old age, and it’s always good news that my name is not on that page, because then I’d have to cancel my morning paper.

Esther Blumenfeld

JUDGMENT DAZE

There’s a cartoon in the newspaper called, “Baby Blues.” Mom is supervising her little boy’s homework and he says, “Once Brad dared me to eat a worm, but I only licked it, and then stuck it up my nose.” Mom says, “Can you think of a different example of good judgment?” And the child says, “Why do they make these essays so hard?”

I told my friend, Debra that story, and she said, “I can top that! My seven-year-old granddaughter is an animal lover. She and her little brother had a pet fish, and unfortunately, one morning, they discovered that the fish had died. My granddaughter was inconsolable and cried and cried. Her father comforted her until the tears stopped. At that, her little brother said, “Dad, can we eat him now?”

Debra’s grandson got the facts and made a decision. I guess he never heard the saying, “Be silent. Be safe!” Sometimes decisions to talk or act are like that.

I am a decisive person. I try to get all the facts first and then make my decision. Most of the time, it works out okay, but sometimes I am wrong. If that happens my mantra is: “Hang on to the good memories. Have no regrets. Proceed! Teddy Roosevelt said, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

Recently, I decided not to attend a community association meeting that I suspected would be acrimonious, because people were being asked to fork out more money, so bills could be paid. I had already decided to vote, “Yes,” on the issue and decided not to submit myself to unnecessary aggravation.

Usually, when I make a decision I stick to it. However, I have a friend who is extremely indecisive. I have learned never to go clothes shopping with her. She will find an outfit she likes, try it on, like it even more, because she looks good in it, and then won’t purchase it because she “might find something better.” Then she will go from store, to store, to store---usually ending up with no purchase made.

My husband only went clothes shopping with me once. I held up two dresses and said, “Which dress should I buy?” His reaction was, “Buy both of them. Can we go home now?”  That showed extremely good judgment!

As I get older, I find myself faced with more and more difficult decisions, but it helps me to remember that I am completely unique---just like everyone else.

I like what Ron White said about making decisions. He said, “If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade---and then, try to find someone whose life has given him vodka---and then have a party!”

Try to be careful with your decisions, because it’s well to remember that, “If at first you don’t succeed, so much for sky diving.” (Henny Youngman)

Esther Blumenfeld

SENSE ISN'T ALWAYS COMMON

A young friend just told me that the doctor diagnosed the pain in his joint as, “Tennis Elbow.” “That’s really weird,” he said, “because I don’t play tennis.” “Well,” I replied, “You must be doing some repetitive motion to cause the pain.” I know that he lifts weights, and does all kinds of cockamamie exercises on a Nautilus Machine, but when I said, “It’s probably one of your exercises,” he protested that it didn’t hurt when he exercised.  I then advised that he pay attention to which repetitive exercise causes him pain, and then, “Stop doing it.”

My advice made sense to me, but he will probably ignore it, because I’m not a doctor. Common sense can be so underrated. The whole conversation reminded me of the old joke, “Doctor it hurts when I do that.” “Okay,” says the Doctor, “Stop doing that!”

Years ago, as an avid swimmer, I would swim for 45 minutes at a time, using the “Australian Crawl”. My right shoulder started hurting, so I went to the doctor, and after several cortisone shots, I was told that shortly I would need a shoulder replacement. That’s what the doctor said, but he never asked me what I thought might be causing the problem. My common sense told me to just stop swimming that way, and my shoulder miraculously healed without having to take a trip to Lourdes.

I have a friend who decided to fill her Jaguar with gas at 11:00 p.m. at the most deserted, unlit gas station she could find. I skipped the common sense speech and went right to---“Are you nuts?”  I admit that sometimes it is difficult to choose between right and wrong, but certainly a person should know the difference between right and stupid.

It’s always good advice not to argue with a fool, but when a kid behind the counter at the hardware store bragged, “I never vote, and I never will.” I said to him, “If someone came in here and told you that the government is going to take away your right to vote, you’d probably be the first one out there kicking up a fuss.”

I would like to say that I gave him something to think about, but I’m not sure he could do that. Perhaps, my common sense should have told me that we’d all be better off without him setting foot in a voting booth.

I agree with W.C. Fields who said, “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.”) William James