OUT OF THIS WORLD

In the March 13th issue of TIME MAGAZINE, there were two articles, back-to-back, that caught my attention. The first was about the new technology, Snapchat, which was built for the generation that wants to oxymoronically use technology to improve “its anti-social social life.”

In a nutshell, it’s an application where images are sent with the purpose that they will immediately disappear after one viewing. For instance, Snapchat makes it possible for a teenager to show a friend how self-aware he is while trimming his toenails, and then, his privacy will no longer be invaded because the image goes—-Poof!  Although, as I understand it, an advertiser for foot powder could conceivably slide a 10-second commercial between his toes before the image disappears.

So, that’s it. Snapchat is a way to share many stupid ideas before they disappear.

The second article in TIME MAGAZINE involves the discovery of seven Earth-sized planets that could offer “signs of life.” Of course, there’s life and then there’s life. I find the whole idea pretty funny, since I am still trying to find signs of life in people who Snapchat.

I read that these planets orbit around a star named after what I thought was a  monk called “Trappist-1,” who doesn’t talk very much and makes good beer.  Anyway, that’s what I thought until I realized that “Trappist-1” is really named after a small telescope that lives in Chile, and is stuck with an acronym for; “Transiting Planets and Planetesimals Small Telescope.” I liked the name Pluto better until the scientists informed us that Pluto wasn’t even a planet.

This little telescope, “Trappist-1” has discovered that the star “Trappist-1” and its orbiting planets are 39 light years away from us.  That’s light years, not heavy years, but I don’t know the difference except that it is far, far away—-a worse commute than my son has to  drive from Virginia to Maryland where he works for NASA. Now when he calls me, and complains while he is sitting in traffic, I can say, “At least you don’t have to drive 39 light years to get to work.

But back to the idea of life on these planets so far away. If there’s life—there’s life—but as far as I am concerned, cockroaches don’ t count, and before we get all exercised about life on other planets, maybe it would be a good idea to start making life work on the planet we are all stuck on together. After all, the grass isn’t always greener somewhere else. Heck, in this case, there might not even be any grass.

So, what’s the relationship between these two TIME MAGAZINE articles? Both of them are wrapped up in the future. With Snapchat, the image of today is here and then gone on to the next one without looking back. The planets are far, far away. They are of scientific significance, but of probably little practical application today, tomorrow or who knows when.

The point is that sometimes people need to stop and look back, because if you don’t know where you’ve been—-you’ll never really figure out where you are going, and humanity, here on Earth, better figure that out—- before some fool Snapchats us all.

Esther Blumenfeld

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST has always been one of my favorite fairy tales. So, when I read the excellent reviews of the new movie, I decided to treat myself to a morning of enchantment. Wanting to avoid crowds of children, I decided to attend the first showing of the movie on a Thursday morning when the kids were still in school.

The early show started at 9:45 a.m., so I got there at 9:15, when the gate to the lobby was supposed to open. Not only was I the first person in line (or for you New Yorkers: ”on line”) I was the only person lined up. Consequently, the ushers (who never usher anywhere) ignored me and spent the next 15 minutes moving rope posts into different configurations to form aisles leading to the ticket takers. Ironically, I didn’t need a roped off aisle, because I was still the only customer when the gate to the theatre lobby was finally opened.

Ignoring the disapproval of the post movers, I ducked under the rope that led immediately to the ticket seller. Pointing to a large map, the seller said, “Pick your seat.” “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, “This show is in the Extreme Digital Cinema, so you have to pick a seat.” I said, 
“What if I don’t want to pick a seat until I get into the theatre?” “Pick one!” he ordered. So, I picked a seat and paid the extra money for extreme viewing.

The up escalator was out of order, so I said to an usher, “Why don’t you reverse the down escalator to up?” He replied, “Because it would throw everything off.”  That is why he is an usher and not a brain surgeon.  So, I walked up the 3 flights of steps from the lobby to the Cinema Section. The good thing was that they didn’t charge extra for the heart stress test.  Huffing and puffing, I went to the concession area, and asked for a courtesy cup of water with ice.

Walking into the Extreme Digital Cinema Theatre was my second breath-taking experience. It was huge with hundreds of seats. I found my seat #14 in row H in the upper level. When I sat down, the rear part of my seat swooped back into an extreme reclining position, and  I yelled, “Whoops!” as the ice from my drink spilled down the front of my blouse.

Since my seat was now all wet, and the ticket seller and his freaking seat map were downstairs in the lobby, I went up to seat #14 in row J. Finally, settling down, I looked around and realized that I was the only person in the whole theatre. However, I did turn off my phone when the voice coming from the screen boomed out that I should do so. The sound is also extremely extreme in that Digital Cinema. Then, I removed my hearing aids just in time for the coming attractions which posed no attraction  for me at all.

Finally, the beautiful film commenced, and I was treated to a private showing of the magical Disney version of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. It was an uplifting experience, until I stood up and my seat ( #14 in upper level row J) sprang forward and spilled the rest of my ice water into my purse.

The down escalator worked just fine.  I love a happy ending.

Esther Blumenfeld

AH, YES, I KNEW THEM WELL

I don’t think it’s my fault, but it seems as if at least once every few weeks, one of my favorite restaurants simply vanishes. I don’t know where they go, but they are here today and then gone tomorrow. And, in their place, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, a large chain restaurant is bound to appear.

For awhile now, the big guys have pushed  little establishments out of business, and it hasn’t happened to just the food industry. However, for those of you who believe in Karma, it seems as if, in some cases, what goes around, comes around—-unless you are a dictator in exile living in the lap of luxury in Paris—-but I digress.

When I lived in Atlanta, the department store, Rich’s was an institution that began in 1867. They had a loyal customer base and their employees happily stayed on until retirement, or the undertaker carried them out feet first.  Marshall Field’s in Chicago had very much the same reputation until the behemoth, Macy’s swallowed them both. However, there have always been bigger fish in the mercantile sea with voracious appetites, and armed with cheap Chinese goods, they seem to have taken a major bite out of Macy’s.

So, now, Macy’s is having “Going Out Of Business” sales, and is cutting 10,000 jobs. The good news is that their sales staff won’t even notice until they look up from their cell phones and realize that there aren’t any customers around to interrupt them.  Rumor has it that Marshall Field’s is also on the Macy hit list.

A generation ago, Macy’s competitor, Gimbell’s Department Store closed after 76 years in Manhattan (N.Y. not Kansas). With a creative move, they introduced the first bargain basement. Now, in the next two years, Macy’s plans to open approximately  50 “Macy’s Backstage off-price locations” in existing Macy’s stores. Wow! What a good idea!  “Would Macy’s tell Gimbel’s?”

Some of the blame for failing stores can be attributed to on-line shoppers, but I have another, albeit unscientific, theory. Granted, many people do prefer to shop on-line, but there are still plenty of people—-especially women, who do the majority of shopping—- who still enjoy getting out of the house. As Erma Bombeck said, “Shopping is a woman thing. It’s a contact sport like football.Women enjoy the scrimmages, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.” However, merchants got lazy and took them for granted.

The one thing that an upscale store can offer is EXCELLENT SERVICE, which has gone the way of the Dodo Bird. Whatever happened to well-trained, cheerful sales staff, who acted as personal shoppers? Where’s the beautiful complimentary gift wrapping at holiday time? Who was the bright guy who decided that clothes had to be clumped into designer areas, so a person has to jog all over the store looking for a blouse. Must have been a guy. As Cynthia Nelms reminds us, “If men liked shopping, they’d call it research.”

And, where is that beautiful restaurant that used to be a stop-off destination before more shopping?  A person didn’t even have to leave the store.

If all free-standing stores close, and people think that they can save time by shopping on-line, forget that! I can promise you that lots of merchandise will have to be sent back because it won’t look as good on you, or in your house, as it did in the catalog. Order those shoes and you will have to send them back because you didn’t try them on before they arrived. After all, you will discover that the left shoe was made in Sri Lanka, the right shoe in Bangladesh, and the short shoelaces came from China. “Anyone can buy.  It takes an artist to shop.” (Boylan J. Finney).

Esther Blumenfeld

GREETINGS

“Sometimes just when I say, “Hello!” the right way, I’m like, ‘Whoa, I am so cool!”
(Robert Pattinson)

When my son, Josh lived in New York City, he warned me, “Mom, New York isn’t like Tucson. Don’t say, ‘Hello’ to people. Don’t even make eye contact.” Of course, I ignored his advice and immediately said, “Good Morning,” to a woman passing us on the street. She almost jumped out of her skin, but surmising that I wasn’t going to mug her, she mumbled, “Good Morning to you too.” I assume that it didn’t take her too long to recuperate.

I’m a friendly person, and when hiking in the mountains, I usually greet hikers with a simple, “Good Morning,” and all I expect is a simple “Good Morning” back.
But, instead of simple “Hellos,” lots of folks get creative---sometimes in irritating ways. For instance: I say, “Hello,” and the response is “Hay!” Why is someone greeting me with cut and dried fodder?”

Then, there’s “What’s up?” I’d like to say, “Here’s what’s up. When I got into my auto this morning, I noticed that the bonnet was open. So I also checked the boot, and then I drove to the chemist. Do you want to know more?”

I find the expression, “Have a nice day” most irritating.  In the dictionary, “Nice,” can either be, “fastidious or not easy to please.” Then there is the expression, “How are you doing?” It is usually delivered thus: “Haarr Ya Dooon?”  I want to reply; “I’m doing one step after the other, trying to climb this steep hill…you moron!”

Of course I can be greeted with the first and lowest cardinal number---“Have a good one” Or, “What’s shaking?” Naturally, the response is, “At my age, everything!”

So far, I am very fortunate that no Chinese person has cursed me with “Have an interesting day!” If that ever happens, I’d be better off staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

One of the most unique greetings ever experienced by several people was when my husband, Warren (of blessed memory) got on a crowded elevator, with his back to the elevator door, and, facing all those strangers, said, “We have to stop meeting like this!” Waiting for him at the main floor, I watched everyone on the elevator exit, laughing hysterically…. either that, or they were simply hysterical. I never found out, because, when I asked him, “What was that all about?”  He replied, “Don’t know. Guess it was the way, I said ‘Hello.”’

Esther Blumenfeld (“What’s Kickin’ Little Chicken?”)

GOT AN IDEA

In September 2015, Nicholas Berggruen announced the launch of the Berggruen Institute’s Philosophy and Culture Center. The Center is dedicated to encouraging new ideas and innovative thinking across cultures and disciplines, and will award an annual $1 million philosophy prize judged by an international jury. The Center collaborates with several prestigious institutions and universities. So, if you are an innovative thinker---Go for it!

People come up with ideas all the time. Some of them, such as the futuristic technological development of “games you can control with your brain waves,” are in the realm of possibility. Scientists have taken this a step forward, and are working on activating muscle movement with brain impulses. This just might be a contender for the prize.

However, the “Glamour Bonnet” devised in 1941, where a woman had an air-free plastic hood over her head with an attached hose and a vacuum probably wouldn’t be a good bet to win the prize since breathing wasn’t even optional.  

Back in the 1950’s there were so many UFO sightings reported that the Air Force introduced, “The Flying Saucer Camera.” It had two lenses---one for a normal photo and the other that separated light into colors so one could detect the origins of the light.  So that’s where my tax dollars went!

Cartoonists and Science Fiction writers often imagined fantastic inventions that are now a part of modern culture.  APPLE has perfected Dick Tracy’s wristwatch, and Buck Rogers forays into space have been realized by NASA (without the alien weirdoes). Batman’s car and Q’s gadgets have also been somewhat inspiring and replicated.  L. Ron Hubbard’s writings about space have even led to a religion.

So why should we scoff at cybernetic contact lenses that not only help people see better, but deliver news, directions, e-mail and weather reports directly to your eyes. Don’t laugh! The technology is already here.

And, coming to your shirt pocket is the mini “Adjustick cell phone.” Shown at Japan’s CEATEC technology convention, “the tiny stick-like device projects a usable keyboard and screen when placed on its side.” Right now, I shout at my laptop computer. I can just see myself yelling at a stick.

So, if you are alive and thinking (two qualifications for the prize), it’s not too late to inspire the world with a $1 million idea.  Just keep in mind, that wooden bathing suits didn’t make it---But maybe if you considered Balsa Wood?

Esther Blumenfeld (“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity”) anonymous