LIKE THIS IS LIKE WHAT IT'S LIKE

A few weeks ago, I was listening to an award-winning interviewer on NPR (National Public Radio) and she used the expression, “My bad.” The next morning, once again, those two words showed up in the newspaper comic strip, Zits. “My bad,” it seems, is the new, ”I’m sorry.”

In 1887, Thomas Hardy wrote, in The Mayor of Casterbridge, “The universe likes nothing better than change.” I’d venture a guess that most teenagers haven’t read, The Mayor of Casterbridge, but they certainly like change---especially when it involves the English language. We used to call it “slang,” but now I think it is a linguistic revolution brought about by modern technology. Kids are better with computers than most adults, and have finally found a way to communicate without “POS” (parents over shoulder).

Some people will think that this creativity is “sick” (awesome, cool, or surprising), but it just leaves me “SMH” (shaking my head). My 15-year-old friend down the block would say, “Don’t get ‘salty’ (bad attitude) on me, while telling me that my new shoes are “ill” (great, cool). Recently, I asked her, “How is your new teacher?” And she replied, “He’s so fly.” That is good. But she had to cut our conversation short, because she wasn’t wearing a sweater, and the weather had gotten “dumb” (very) cold. She also said, “I have to go do my homework, so I won’t be put under ‘house arrest’ (grounded).

I don’t want to be “Old Testament” (old school) about all of this, nor do I want to “Nancy Drew” (over-analyze) it, but sometimes it’s “OBVI” (obvious) that I’m a bit “Jell-y” (jealous) when I try to communicate with kids, and I find that my efforts are on “Epic Fail” (task meant to be easy but isn’t).

Last night was “Flop” (didn’t work out). I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend, but she “flopped” on me. She’s such a “flop!” Then I got invited to a “Kickback” (a small party). Everyone was “uberklempt ” (excited) about the pizza, but the delivery was a “Big Fail Mary” (did not go as planned). The order was “jacked up” (messed up), and everyone thought that anchovies with pineapple tasted “rank” (gross).

Luckily, I had brought my camera, and had the “brillaz” (brilliant) idea to take a picture of the group. Unfortunately, it was a “fail” (failure) because the pizza delivery guy got in the way and caused a “photobomb” (ruined the picture).

Maybe because I exposed their secret language, teens will think I’m a “Hater” (assume I am ruining their lives on purpose). If they believe that, they are “pwned” (pronounced owned, and means, someone has proven you wrong). Because, by the time you read this article, I have already become a “n00b” (someone who doesn’t have knowledge of words for teens that are popular this week). For you purists, “n00b” is spelled correctly.

So read it and weep, or LOL (laugh out loud).

Esther Blumenfeld (my spell check just had a nervous breakdown)

 

MAYBE TOMORROW

It’s a statistical fact that over 30% of all tax filers wait until April 15th to file their taxes. All of us are familiar with procrastination. Webster defines it: “to put off from day to day; to defer; postpone.” When asked about procrastination, Robert Benchley said, “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

Over 600 books have been written to help people snap out of putting off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and some people have even made careers by becoming, “anti-procrastination coaches.” I guess they dismiss all excuses until the guilty “feel the burn.” Psychologists have dealt with “stress guilt crisis,” and “student syndrome.”

Who hasn’t heard someone say, “I do my best under pressure.” They never add that drinking 12 cups of coffee and eating a peck of pickled energy bars is part of the equation. People who procrastinate have excellent excuses, but the truth is always lurking in there somewhere:

“It was recommended I avoid stress.” (So you didn’t go to class.)
“I was distracted.” (Video games are distracting.)
“Things happened beyond my control.” (Cats do throw hairballs—even into computers.)
“The task was trivial.” (If you don’t go to the dentist, your gums will reject your teeth.)
“I am a person who needs no sleep.” (Let’s pretend.)

So what are some reasons why people stall, postpone or as the Scots put it,
“let a-be?” Sometimes people are faced with an overwhelming task. Often it is also an unpleasant task such as drinking slop to prepare for a colonoscopy or a forthcoming family reunion---which can sometimes bring on the same reaction.

Being a perfectionist and fearing failure can also encourage people to “put it off,” “let it slide,” or simply “ignore it.” Unfortunately, most of the time,” It,” won’t just go away. Waiting for Providence is a very long wait, and the grass growing under one’s feet can soon become a meadow.

I don’t understand procrastinators, because I am the opposite. When assigned a task, I do it immediately, and am notoriously known for sending birthday cards a week before the person was even born. I arrive on time for appointments, and sometimes early for a really good party. Interestingly, although there are many descriptions and definitions for procrastination, it seems as if the linguists could not agree on an antonym for people like me. When I told a friend about this strange phenomenon, she said, “They probably never got around to it.”

The best definitions I could find in English Language Usage are “antecrastination (Latin inverse) or “proactive.” I guess I’ll have to settle for “Do it now.”

For me, Annie (who had a musical named after her) would sing:

“Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow clears away the cobwebs---”

But she was a fickle little girl, because the rest of her song is meant for all of you procrastinators out there:

“Tomorrow, Tomorrow.
I love ya Tomorrow!
You’re always A day A way!”

Esther Blumenfeld (Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday—Don Marquis)

IN DAYS GAN BEI

When traveling to a foreign country, many Americans don’t attempt to speak the native language. They rely on the premise that “Everyone speaks English.” I, on the other hand, make an attempt---feeble as it may be---to learn a few words, so I can skid and slide into the culture as best I can. My trick is that if I can’t come up with a word or two in a foreign language, I just make them up. I have discovered that most of the time when I invent a few words, people assume that I am mumbling, or they don’t really listen anyway, so it’s usually not a problem.

However, several years ago, I was an honored dinner guest at an elegant home in Mexico City. It was a rather large crowd, and the host was the only person (other than I) who spoke English. Luckily, I had my handy-dandy English/Spanish phrase book with me, and I was able to nod and smile a lot, but unfortunately, at dinner, a woman sitting next to me asked me a direct question---just when the host was called out of the room for a telephone call.

Suddenly, the room fell silent and everyone looked at me expecting an answer in Spanish. I thought she had asked me a question about my son, so after flipping through the phrase book (which was no help at all) I valiantly attempted an answer. Whatever I said left very little oxygen in the room, because it brought on a universal, shocked intake of breath around the table. Happily, after looking at each other, and then seeing my bewildered expression, everyone burst into gales of laughter. To this day, I don’t know what I said, but the hostess spilled a dish of flan into my lap. I think it was an accident.

In Barcelona, I ordered tapas in Spanish and was served a dish of fried critters that were delicious, if you could avoid looking into their tiny eyes. The problem with learning only a smattering of several languages is that I tend to mix them up. If I can’t remember a word in French or Italian, I fall back on my lame Spanish and hope that the romance languages are close enough to soften the heart of my listener. I can speak kindergarten German, and have found out that German sounds best when you have postnasal drip.

Japanese is easy, because if you keep bowing and handing out business cards, you never have to say a word. Only two languages have a single word that means “Hello, Goodbye and Peace”---“Aloha” in Hawaiian and “Shalom” in Hebrew. I always suspected that Hawaiians are the lost tribe of Israel. Everyone understands you in Russia when you shout “Vodka!”

For me, foreign languages have always been a grand adventure. I figure that even when people speak the same language, too often they have trouble communicating, so I might as well try a few more along the way.

Esther Blumenfeld (Skall! Prost! Salut! Gan Bei! L’Chaim! Kampai! Noroc! Nostrovia!)

A NEW YEAR

Here it is—-2024!  So, now what?

It’s a given that all of the broken pieces from last year haven’t gone away. They are still waiting to be put back together again. That’s a bit overwhelming.  However, there is still much to be grateful for.

For instance, if you are reading this column, you have lived to see another day. It’s an opportunity to enjoy the love of friends and family—Well, maybe not all of  your family members who are still knocking about, but then life has never been perfect. The good old days are nothing but selective memory. However, choosing to remember the good times is probably very healthy.  Love and friendship, and the joy of living, never go out of style, and laugher is a life force.

It’s a given that no one has led a charmed life, and today is a good time to take measure.  Obviously, all of us have survived the bad days, and have been able to recharge enough to go on with whatever challenges we meet. It’s good advice to try to live one day at a time with gratitude for having made it this far relatively intact—even though sometimes it seems as if the scale of life is heavily weighted in the wrong direction.

In Greek mythology, Pandora was ordered never to open a box which had been left in  her care by Zeus, King of the Gods. However, her curiosity and dealing with the unknown got the best of her.  She opened the box and released all of the evils of mankind—war, pestilence, anger, jealousy and many other unspecified evils which were released into the world.

Desperately, she tried to shut the lid, but it was too late except she did manage to stop the last
small glimmer of a thing that shone in the box .  It was HOPE!

Pandora did not lose hope and neither should we.  So, in 2024 let’s hang on to hope for better times to come.

I wish for all of you the best of health, the best of times and a measure of tranquility and peace.

Esther Blumenfeld

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Besides thinking about what I should prepare for dinner, I have also been thinking about the difference between how we view ourselves, and others see us. When I mentioned this to my friend, Sally, she responded in her best English teacher voice, ”Ae wad some pow’r the giftie gie us to see oursels as ither see us.”

She claimed that, Scottish poet, Robert Burns thought that one up when he watched a large bug slowly climbing heavenward on the back of a woman’s elegant hat in church. The woman was praying, the bug was preying, and “Rabbie” obviously had his head somewhere else.

So many times, I have heard someone say, “ I can’t retire. I don’t know what I would do with myself. I am my work.” If done well, retirement is an art. I have a friend who retired from being a banker. His professional reputation and lifetime work does not impress his toddler grandson, who already knows what really matters in life, and whose eyes light up when he sees, “The Grandfather!”

Children of celebrities don’t see the Nobel Prize winner or the “sex symbol”. They see mom and dad. When being interviewed, CNN journalist, Anderson Cooper, (whose mother was Gloria Vanderbilt, the famous designer) said, “I could never understand why girls in jeans had my mother’s name on their butts.”

So how do you see yourself? We all know that anorexics look into a mirror and see obesity. Tragically, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” doesn’t work for them. Mirrors should probably be banned, or at least heavily taxed.  Teenagers see a pimple and think everyone will notice. Little do they realize that their peers are so self-absorbed that they won’t see the pimple.  As a matter of fact, they probably won’t notice that anyone else is in the room other than themselves.

A mother who thinks she is “helpful” may have a child who sees her as “interfering.” An office worker who prides himself on “taking charge,” may be viewed as an “overbearing boor.”

A bit of sensitivity to the self-image of others can be helpful. Waiting in line for a movie ticket, I overheard a young ticket taker being berated by an extremely irritated customer. When she left, I suggested that the young man could avoid such confrontations in the future if he would say, “You’re not old enough for a senior ticket are you?” rather than, “Do you want a senior ticket?”

I read people pretty well. If someone is smart, he doesn’t have to tell me how smart he is---I will know. Most people like friendly folks, and they avoid rude and nasty people. If you want no friends, cultivate your nasty side. It works every time, unless you meet a masochist. He will think you are terrific!

I’m not sure if it was an urban legend, but one of my favorite stories about Tucson, Arizona involves an establishment that sold extremely expensive pianos. The store was located near some railroad tracks. People in Tucson are quite casual and unassuming. Maybe it has something to do with 350 days of sunshine. But I digress. Clerks in the piano store were trained not to approach anyone who wanders in, unless the prospective customer sits on a piano bench.

One day, a young man, wearing a torn tee shirt and sloppy jeans wandered into the store. No one approached him until he sat down and began to run his fingers over the piano keys. At that, an experienced salesman said to a new hire, “You go take care of that guy. He’s probably just a bum who wandered in off the tracks.”

The rookie salesman approached the young man and politely asked, “May I help you?” The man replied, “I like this piano. How much does it cost?” “$45,000.00,” replied the clerk. “I’ll have my man pick it up in the morning,” said the young fellow. The customer was Paul McCartney.

So the moral of this tale is:  Don’t be too hard on yourself, and be careful how you view others---unless they are nasty people. Then, “What you see is what you get.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Here’s looking at you, Kid.”)