Seeing Is Not Always Believing

This morning, I had breakfast with my friend, Sandra who is a master. No, she does not run a tugboat or own a plantation. Sandra is a member of the Canadian judiciary. I asked her, “Is it ever difficult to render a decision?” She replied, “Sometimes, even when confronted with evidence, one has to be careful to arrive at the correct conclusion.”

I asked her to give me an example. “That’s easy,” she replied. “I have a friend who is expecting a baby. She also has a three-year-old daughter. While trying to explain her pregnancy, she showed the child an ultrasound of the baby. ‘I want to call Grandma’ was the excited response. So they did. The little girl grabbed the phone and yelled, ‘Grandma, Grandma, we’re going to have a frog.”’

Christopher Columbus was looking for a direct sea route to China and the Indies. He proved that the world is not flat, but instead of discovering the Indies and Chinese take-out, he unearthed the joys of the tobacco plant. After a good smoke, he still insisted that he had discovered the Indies and shouted, “Isabella, Isabella, these folks are Indians.”

As far as the earth goes, most people grudgingly admit it isn’t flat anymore, but even if they see a polar bear in a bikini sipping pina coladas on an ice flow, these people will not recognize global warming. They will shout, “Al, Al, the ice cubes in my scotch and soda didn’t melt any faster than they used to.”

When I was in Alaska, I spotted a big black bear ambling very close to the van in which I was sitting. The driver stopped, so we could enjoy the bear and her cub. We also spotted a woman with a camera getting out of her car. My driver lowered the window and shouted, “Get back into your car.” “Why?” said the woman. “Bear,” said the driver. “So?” said the woman. I yelled, “Lady, Lady, it’s a bear—not a frog!”

Some people just don’t get what is directly in front of them. There are still some numbskulls that don’t believe that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. “They didn’t fool me. That was a fake moon landing filmed in a Hollywood studio. Besides, the moon is made of cheese and cows jump over it.”

The paranoid among us still don’t believe that the President of the United States was born here. Even his birth certificate won’t convince them. If one of these characters was privy to President Obama’s ultrasound, he would convince himself that he is right, and then he would shout, “Grandma, Grandma, our President is a frog, Hawaii is a foreign country, and I am as smart as a three year old.”

Esther Blumenfeld (The sun just sank into the sea)

How Much Did You Make This Year? Send It In!

Most people know that Thomas Jefferson wrote the framework for the Declaration of Independence. No one has to tell you who authored the Monroe Doctrine. And who could forget the Mann behind the Mann Act? But who knows who writes the IRS tax-instruction booklets?

January 27, 4:00 p.m. U.S. Internal Revenue Service, Atlanta office:

Question:  I’d like some information. Could you tell me who writes the instructions for the 1040 Federal Income Tax Forms?

Answer:  Well, Honey, I imagine a lot of smart lawyers up in Washington.

Q:  How many is lots?

A:  Hundreds of them do this, but if you want more information, write to the Commissioner of Internal Revenue in Washington.

January 27, letter:  Dear Sir, No one in the Atlanta tax office seems to know the answer to my question. Could you please inform me who writes the instructions for the federal income tax forms? Are they all lawyers? 

January 28,   Call-in TV Program: Q: Who writes the instructions for the federal income tax forms? A: The technical division of the IRS made up of educators.

Q: What kind of educators? A: Educators whom the IRS trains in tax law.

Q: Let me get this straight. You put lots of teachers in a room, train them in tax law and then they write the instructions for the income tax forms? A: No. They have separate offices.

January 29, Switch on car radio:  Guest: If your visitors have further questions, about filling out their tax forms, we have a number they can call. Host: How can they be assured they are getting the correct answers? Guest: We try to train our people carefully, but the Internal Revenue Service doesn’t guarantee any of the answers you receive from their employees. Switch off car radio.

February 3, Long distance call from Washington, DC:  IRS: Hello, I am a staff assistant for the Director of Internal Revenue calling in response to your letter.

Reporter: I’m glad you called. I’d like to know who writes the instructions for the IRS forms. IRS: A branch in the national office employs 40 people. Most of them have had agent experience in the field and have CPA, auditing and accounting backgrounds. We don’t do too much hiring off the street. Reporter: I’m glad to hear that.

IRS: There are also six writer-editors with English backgrounds. One is an expert in readability. Reporter: I figured you’d have at least one of those. IRS: We also have tax law specialists to interpret the code, regulations and revenue rulings. In May or June, we have open meetings around the country where the general public can tell us what’s wrong with the tax forms. Reporter: Do regular people attend those meetings? IRS: Rarely. We usually get CPA’s, Attorneys, Bankers and Computer folks.

Reporter: Okay, but 40 people can’t sit down and write the first draft. Who does that? IRS: A fellow named Art Shultz. Reporter: Isn’t that the same guy who draws PEANUTS?  IRS: That’s not funny! Copies of the draft go to an outside branch that represents each area including criminal investigation people.

Reporter: So to do this work, it is best to have an accounting or law background? IRS: Yes, but the job description doesn’t require either lawyers or accountants. Reporter: I guess that’s so you won’t get a lawyer or accountant off the street. IRS: What did they tell you in the Atlanta office? Reporter: They told me that hundreds of smart lawyers in Washington are writing instructions for us.

IRS: Actually, we’ve found that often people in the field don’t know exactly what we’re doing here in Washington. I know that because I was out in the field for years before I got this job.

So here’s what we learned: It takes 40 experts, sitting in separate offices, 52 weeks to write the instructions. And, if you don’t understand them and call the IRS for enlightenment, they are not responsible for the wrong answers they may give you.

Esther Blumenfeld (adapted from “Why Fool’s Day is in April,” by Esther Blumenfeld and Lynne Alpern, CREATIVE LOAFING April, 2, 1983)

Pretty Is As Pretty Does

My eyes always glaze over when visiting my favorite used bookstore. So many books! So little time! Naturally, I wasn’t paying attention as I rounded a corner and almost ran my shopping cart into two young women approaching from the opposite direction. First, I apologized, and then I stared. I had never, in all my years, seen two bodies totally covered from head to toe with colorful tattoos. As far as I could see, there was no skin space left untouched.

I pointed behind me and said, “The tattoo books are that way.” “Thanks,” said one of the young girls. “How did you know that’s what we were looking for?” “I’m psychic,” I replied. “That’s awesome!” said the other girl. She was the one with the tarantula on her exposed cleavage. I walked away wondering how far down that hairy spider would slip as gravity beckoned in coming years.

Obviously, perceptions of beauty differ. Judge Judy got it right when she said, “Beauty fades---dumb is forever.”

My mother was a very beautiful woman. She was the whole package with jet-black hair, a patrician nose, sapphire blue eyes and flawless alabaster skin. As she aged, her hair evolved into a white wavy cloud, but people still commented on her beauty. However, she began to worry about the “laugh lines” around her eyes. A friend told her that dabbing a moistened rectal suppository on those wrinkles would make them disappear. One morning, as he walked into the bathroom, my father discovered this ritual, and commented, “Dear, I think you are putting that stick in the wrong place.”

I don’t know who said that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but he must have qualified it with “Love is blind.” Mother always said, “If you want to be beautiful, you must suffer.” She might have been right, because I understand that a full body wax is like being flailed but not quartered.

In Saul Bellow’s book, Ravelstein, Ravelstein says, “Young women are burdened by glamour maintenance.” A friend of mine in the fashion industry once told me that models that look like twigs are sometimes so hungry that they will eat Kleenex.

I have seen young women, pursuing beauty, with more holes in their heads than they were born with. Nostrils, ears, cheeks, lips and tongues are pierced and studded. The most memorable was a belly button hammered shut with a spike—wide and long enough to hang a slab of beef.

Several years ago, I received a gift of a neck message aboard a cruise liner. Naturally, the masseuse wanted to sell me some of the expensive beauty products aboard ship, so she asked me, “If there is one part of your body you’d like to change, what would that be?” I thought for a few moments and answered, “Honey, I have had these body parts for 60 years. By now, I am pretty used to them. I don’t think I want to change a thing.”  Jean Kerr said it best: “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want---an adorable pancreas?”

Esther Blumenfeld (a smile is the best face lift)  

Winking With Both Eyes Is A Blink

When I was a kid, we used to play, “The Staring Game.” It was cheap entertainment. All that’s involved is sitting eyeball to eyeball with a friend, start staring at each other, and the first one to blink loses the game. The only way I could ever win was to cross my eyes, and make the other kid laugh.

Scientists have discovered that the average person blinks 28,800 times a day. I can’t imagine being asked, “What’s your son’s job?” and answering, “He’s a blink counter.” But, it’s a job, and I guess someone’s got to do it.

New research from Osaka University in Japan discovered that blinking might do more than just lubricate the eyes. In fact, it may serve to “momentarily rest the brain, giving the brain a break to wander and go offline.” According to this research, blinking and the brain at rest are related.

I know that life can change in the blink of an eye, but I also know that all the blinks in the world won’t make a boring conversationalist disappear. I’ve tried it. I blink and they still keep on talking.

One valuable bit of information that the blink counters have discovered is that there is a correlation between lying and blinking. Because deception requires intense concentration, liars blink less while telling a fib, and then speed up afterwards. So, if someone says, “Nice to see you,” and then blinks really fast, you know he doesn’t mean it---or has an eyelash in both eyes.

Winking is kind of like blinking only it’s done with one eye. I once knew a girl who had one blue eye and one brown eye. She was an expert winker, but it was quite disconcerting because one time she’d wink blue and the next time she’d wink brown.

I can wink well with my left eye, but have to scrunch my face to wink with the right one. Maybe it has to do with the part of the brain I use for winking, or maybe it’s because I’m just a klutz.

It’s a proven fact that all mothers have eyes in back of their heads. Those eyes are good at the staring game, but I can promise you that they will never blink.

 Esther Blumenfeld (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?  (Monty Python)

Handy Dandy

As a little girl, I can remember being frustrated when asking a teacher, “How do I mush this paper to make flowers?” Her answer was, “Do it yourself.” I figured that she probably didn’t know how to properly mush either, and wondered, how could I make the flowers when she wouldn’t explain the process to me.

I don’t believe the saying, ”If you want it done right, you’ve got to do it yourself,” because there is a fine line between being good at everything and being a total idiot. Granted, there are some people who are very handy. However I am not. If I don’t know how to do something, I either ask an expert or hire a trained professional.

My father-in-law thought that anything could be fixed with a tube of glue. He believed that no one would notice a mended crack down the middle of a plate or when the bottom fell out of a china teacup. He rationalized, “The water was too hot.” He ignored me when I suggested that perhaps the teabag was too heavy.

When we purchased our home in Atlanta, the inspector said, “I don’t know who wired this furnace but the green and red wires are crossed, and I have no idea where this black one is supposed to go.” The former do-it-yourself owner had to pay to have his handy work undone.

There are numerous do-it-yourself books on the market. My neighbor, Susie bought Plumbing Made Easy. One morning she called me and asked if she could use my bathroom. “What’s wrong with yours?” I asked. “I took my toilet apart,” she wailed, “and now I can’t put it back together again.” The plumber arrived, shook his head when he examined her dismembered toilet, and charged her twice his normal fee to put it back together again. She returned the book.

When I purchased a new printer for my computer, I jammed the wrong sized ink cartridge into the printer slot and then couldn’t get it out. “How did you do that?” asked my puzzled computer geek, as he fixed the problem. “Didn’t understand the directions. I don’t read Chinese,” was my lame excuse. At that instance, I realized that having faith in yourself has its limitations and can be really disappointing. At my age, I do know that my life is a do-it-yourself project, but I am convinced that asking for a bit of help along the way can’t hurt.

I recognize that some people have the gift of being able to fix things while other simply do not. Some of these virtuosos with tools are the much-coveted handy folks for hire. These people can fix almost anything and have the wisdom to tell you when they can’t. When my husband retired, he often said, “Our handyman, Kenny, is the greatest joy of my life.” I wasn’t jealous. However, to revive the romance in our marriage, I learned to unclog the garbage disposal.

So, here’s my advice:

Don’t try to dip a toothpick in ink and prick out your own tattoo.

Do not try a do-it-yourself colonoscopy, and,

If you’re going to clean your chimney, don’t go down headfirst.

 On the other hand, it’s good to remember, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

 Esther Blumenfeld (Where’s the hammer? There’s a scorpion in the house.)