A Line In The Sand

For several days, my friend Fay was stalking a large lizard. Somehow he had gotten into her house and decided to take up residence in her territory. She’d see him climbing up a wall in the kitchen, peering down at her from the ceiling in her bedroom and racing across the floor---any floor he chose.  She finally trapped him behind the toilet, put a box over his wriggling body and unceremoniously threw him outside—shouting, “Never darken my door again!”

All of us protect our personal space. No one likes to be backed against a wall face to face with an animated conversationalist---especially if she spits when she talks.

The 22.96 square miles of Manhattan (New York not Kansas) has a daytime population of 3.94 million residents, commuters and visitors, and they all feel the need to establish boundaries---not an easy thing to do on the subway at rush hour. So the rule is don’t talk, don’t look, and if you value your life, do not touch!

A case in point: A friend of mine was in Manhattan. She tapped a woman on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, can you please tell me the time.” The woman whirled around and yelled, “Never touch anyone in New York City!” To this day, my friend still doesn’t know what time it was.

My husband, Warren believed that when visiting an alien place you should follow the customs, so when he was in New York and a fellow shouted, “Hey, Buddy, where’s the subway?” Warren pointed down at the sidewalk and kept right on walking.

When a singer in a club came to my table and said, “Doll, do you have a request?” I said, “Yes, go away!” He was in my space.

Minding one’s own business is annoying to some people. They are the ones with intrusive questions such as, “Did you make a lot of money on that play?” Are those your real teeth, How much do you weigh? And, “Why are you leaving?”

When establishing boundaries, you can always tell someone to meet you outside and then lock the door, but that is hard to do if you are lying on a deserted beach, enjoying the solitude and the sound of the waves, and a family with 5 Frisbee playing children spread their blanket right next to yours.

Noel Coward would have said, “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“The problem with people is that they’re only human.”) Bill Watterson

North To The Future

Naturalist, John Burroughs wrote, “I go to nature to be soothed and healed and to have my senses put in order.” This is, of course, part of the appeal of taking a cruise to Alaska, and so the adventure began.

I rendezvoused with my son, Josh and daughter-in-law, Barbara at a hotel in Seattle. After a good night’s rest, we hired a driver from the hotel to take us to the dock, where we, and our 5 pieces of luggage, were unceremoniously dropped off. It was a beautiful sunny day, which was a bit of luck since we had started out with 6 pieces of luggage, and our ship was at a different dock several miles away. So far, this was not a soothing experience.

After 15 minutes, the driver returned, loaded us, and our 5 pieces of luggage, back into his car and drove us to the correct destination. This time we could see our ship and a million fellow passengers, so we knew we were in the right place. Boarding was relatively easy. Once we unpacked, Josh arranged that the partitions between our balconies be removed, so we could have one big balcony to enjoy the scenery. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to tell me that he had done this, so when he pounded on the glass of my balcony door, I thought I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie being attacked by sea gulls.

After my senses were put back into order, we explored the magnificent ship and began to relax, as we enjoyed a day at sea on our way to the “Land of the Midnight Sun.” The cabins, the food, the entertainment and the amenities were excellent. And, without a doubt, this was a clean ship! I have never been so sanitized in my entire life. At every turn someone carrying a leather bota would spritz my hands---not with wine, but disinfectant. The dining room was beautiful, but so sterile that it could have served as an operating theatre if the waiter had decided to fillet one of the guests instead of a fish.  By gum! No one was getting sick on this vessel.

Ketchikan, Alaska’s wettest city treated us to a glorious sunny day, and after touring Saxman Totem Pole Park, and learning about the artistry and history of Alaska’s native peoples, we enjoyed a rowdy action-packed Lumberjack Show featuring some of the world’s best lumberjacks---who chopped, sawed, threw axes, speed climbed, log rolled and managed to finish with all of their fingers and toes intact. Barbara told Josh that he was absolutely not allowed to go out and buy power tools.

The next day, three pilots came aboard to lead us through the inside passage, past the glaciers of Tracy Arm, but the floating ice was too dangerous, so instead we were guided through the Dawes Glacier area that turned out to be a special treat. The Captain invited the three of us and a few other privileged guests to view the magnificent blue (refracted light) glacier from the Heliport, so we bundled up in our winter jackets, hats and mittens and climbed to the top of the ship. It was too cold for me, so I took a few photos and decided to go to my cabin balcony where the view would be good, but I could pop into my cabin to warm up. On the way, down the hall, I passed a woman who asked me, “Is it cold out there?” I answered, “Global warming has not turned it into bikini weather yet, Lady.” She replied, “I guess then I should put on a sweater.” That’s when I decided there is a difference between the phrases, “It’s good talking to you,” and “It’s good talking with you.” She was the kind of person who could have asked me, “Do you know a sure cure for sea sickness?” and I would have had to answer, “Stand next to a cactus.”

Juneau, Alaska’s capital city was our next stop, where the Gold Rush of 1880 took second place to our shopping spree of 2013. Before returning to our ship to get ready for our whale watch on the Rum Runner Charter Boat, we stopped at the famous Red Dog Saloon. Again, the weather cooperated, and we were taken to Captain Chris’ boat where we sailed away and were treated to the sight of a pod of 7 whales.

We kept a respectful distance but those suckers were really BIG! “Thar She Blows” took on a whole new meaning for me when little air spurts turned into huge graceful creatures swimming not too far from our little boat. We also saw sea lions, seals and eagles on our voyage.

The frontier town of Skagway was our last stop in Alaska. While Barbara and Josh took a ride on the White Pass and Yukon Route Train, I walked about town enjoying the historic district. Our last ports were Victoria, Canada where we took a buggy ride around town, and then Seattle where we spent a glorious day with family.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. This was my third sojourn to Alaska, but seeing it through the eyes of my children made it very special.  It made me realize that when you get old, you will regret the things you failed to do, more than the things you did.

Esther Blumenfeld (Waking a sleeping grizzly to snap his picture is not a good idea.)  

Unreachable Truth

My friend Jean says, “life is ridiculous!” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have advised her to “abandon the search for truth; settle for a good fantasy.” I have always thought that reality and fantasy are two sides of the same coin.

When my son, Josh was four-years-old, he wanted to fly. He convinced himself that if he flapped his arms fast enough he could soar above the clouds. I told him to keep trying, but the rule was that he had to keep his feet on terra firma, and was not allowed to go onto the garage roof. After several attempts, gravity finally won out, and he stopped the arm flapping. However, when he grew up, he earned his pilot’s license and realized his dream.

JM Barrie was right. “The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.” The writers of science fiction entertain us with their imaginations. Past fantasies such as rocket ships flying to the moon and other planets have become reality, although we have yet to encounter little green men. Why are they always green? Transplanting organs, co-existing with robots and having a conversation with your wristwatch---all come from the imaginations of science fiction writers.

Fairy tales gave us fantasies such as beautiful faces forever frozen in youth. Now the poison Botox does it for us. In a fairy tale, a princess can kiss a frog and get a prince. In reality some women kiss a prince and end up with a frog. In real life, I don’t believe in witches who fly around on brooms, but I do have a wicked neighbor whom I studiously avoid when she is sweeping her walk.

When my brother, David was eleven-years-old, we attended a family celebration at the home of our grandparents. Our grandfather was having such a good time that he quaffed several glasses of wine, and my little brother enjoyed drinking the left-over ambrosia from other guests cups. Suddenly, my grandmother discovered her tipsy husband and grandson, and banished them both outside to take a long walk around the block. Grandpa protested that it wasn’t the wine that had affected them, but that old Mrs. Finkelstein had given them the “evil eye.”

Sometimes you just don’t like someone else’s reality. That’s why Pablo Picasso rationalized that “everything you can imagine is real.” After all, weren’t those angular, many-faceted forms and planes the essence of women?

There has to be a healthy balance between reality and fantasy. A magician knows the difference. If he really sawed a woman in half, he’d have a one-act very messy career, and a very memorable lawsuit.  Albert Einstein said it best; “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination”) John Lennon

The Intense Zone

There they were---sitting up high on a platform above us. Comfortably, separated from hoards of disgruntled voters, and protected by a 12-year-old officer of the law, there sat our elected County Board of Supervisors.

A stalwart neighbor, and I, had battled street construction and the 105-degree heat to attend this meeting downtown, because developers were presenting a rezoning issue that affected our neighborhood. We were there to witness government in action, and plead with our supervisors not to change the zoning.

At 9 a.m., with a bang of the gavel, those attending were admonished that if we behaved in an unbecoming manner we would forthwith be ejected from the hall. With that declaration, the young, skinny officer puffed out his chest and tried to look tough. Next, a woman minister gave an invocation that excluded several religions, and after the pledge of allegiance to the flag the meeting (with 30 items on the agenda and 35 items on the addendum) began.

It started with a 15-minute presentation from Pause for Paws. An officer from the Animal Care Center entered with a dog wearing a neck scarf, who was up for adoption (the dog not the officer) at a cut-rate fee of $10.00. No one bit---not even the dog. The next 10 minutes were devoted to a proclamation honoring the 50^th anniversary of a defunct missile site, and then a proclamation honoring The Junior Roller Derby took another 10 minutes. All this activity must have tired the supervisors because suddenly they stood up and left the room.

I asked someone, “Where are they going?” and she replied, “They are going into Executive Session so an attorney can explain to them what is going on.” “Why couldn’t they have done that before the meeting,” I asked. None of the 100 citizens in the audience seemed to have an answer, but no one was having a good time---including the officer of the law, who kept looking at his Mickey Mouse watch. Thirty minutes later, the supervisors returned, and we were told that 3 items from the addendum had been withdrawn. Good!  It was now 10 a.m. and only 62 items were left. Luckily, our neighborhood issue was 3^rd on the list.

Those of us who wanted to speak were allowed 3 minutes each. I wanted to shout, “The dog got 15 minutes and I get three?” but the officer of the law looked like his feet hurt so I didn’t. Along with representatives from other neighborhoods, we presented eloquent 3-minute presentations, but when the developer mentioned increased tax revenues the supervisors perked up, their eyes glistened and they, “behaving in an unbecoming manner” immediately voted against us.

It was now time for lunch. I hope they enjoyed their meal, because I suspect that my neighbors will remind them that $10 dogs don’t vote.

Esther Blumenfeld (“It is hard to fail, but it is even worse never to have tried to succeed”) Teddy Roosevelt

Too Much Information

While I was shopping for groceries, a little old lady zoomed around the corner riding her scooter like a bat out of Hell. She gazed up at the shelves filled with boxes of cereal, pointed at me and said, “You’re tall. Will you please get me a box of Fruit Loops from the top shelf?”

I’ve been called all kinds of things, but in my whole life, at 5’2”---I have never been accused of being “tall.” When I handed her a box of cereal, she smiled, thanked me and said, “I’m 93-years-old. At my age a person shrinks, but my nose and ears keep growing.” “Thanks for telling me that.” I replied. “Now I know what I have to look forward to.”  TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

I know it’s the Information Age, but total strangers often share way more details than most people ever want to know. My 90-year-old friend, Jack lives with his dear wife in a senior residence. He enjoys riding the bus around town, because he says, “I can go wherever I want and I meet such interesting people.”

One day a young woman sat next to him, and he noticed a colorful tattoo on her arm. He remarked, “That tattoo is quite a work of art.” She replied, “Oh, if you like this one, you should see the one on my back,” and promptly raised her blouse to show him. Then she told him she was a stripper, and graciously invited him to come sometime to see her performance. He politely declined. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Periodically, I go to a swimming pool to do aerobic exercises. While I was splashing and kicking and huffing and puffing a veritable stranger decided to share the personal details of her life with me. It gave me pause. Do I look like a priest in my bathing suit?

Several years ago while on a cruise, the passengers were entertained by true confessions told us by a 25-year-old manicurist who was on her honeymoon. She and her 88-year-old groom had eloped, and were planning to surprise his kids with the news after their honeymoon. She told anyone within earshot that she was very disappointed that he didn’t have as much money as he has told her he had.“I thought only rich people could afford the whole package,” she moaned. I assume she meant fingers and toes. The last time I saw the honeymoon couple aboard ship, she was taking him scuba diving.

Mark Twain said, “The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.” However that was before facebook and twitter. Now young people tell all they know and then some.

So, I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and tell you more than you want to know about Victoria’s Secret. The lingerie stores are named after the prudish Queen Victoria, who took the throne in 1837 and went into seclusion for 25 years. The secret is that she supposedly liked to wear sexy lingerie. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Esther Blumenfeld (“Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear”) George Orwell