Nailing Jell-O

Webster defines impossible as “incapable of being or occurring.”

Yesterday, I saw a neighbor who had recently retired, and asked him, ”How are you enjoying your retirement?” He said, “So far, so good, but I am studying for my insurance license, so I can work for my wife.” He added, “We have been married for 4 years now, and have never had an argument.” “Well,” I replied, “if you are going to work for your wife, I guess you are going to have quite a few discussions.”

Some things are impossible for me to believe. For instance, it is impossible for me to believe that my computer doesn’t hate me, or that there is intelligent life on other planets when there is so little of it here, or when I get phone calls at dinnertime, from people selling things, that they don’t know I’m eating dinner.

John Candy said, “Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously hasn’t tried to nail Jell-O to a tree.” However, too often, people say that something is impossible, because they haven’t reasoned out a solution to a difficult problem.

Young people don’t know what’s impossible. That’s why they achieve it. As a writer, I discovered early on that for every 10 people who discouraged me, there would be one person who cheered me on. Then when I achieved the perceived impossible task, the 10 claimed that they, “always said it was a great idea.” It’s good to remember that sometimes the impossible may only be temporary, and that a good friend is impossible to forget.

When I was in college, I took a course in political science. After taking an essay exam, the professor called me into his office and told me, “Your answer on the exam, is the best I have ever read.” I thought, “Wow! That’s great, but that is impossible to believe.” I found out that I was right when he then said, “Unfortunately, your answer had nothing to do with the question.”  That’s when I learned to take classes from professors who asked better questions.

Elizabeth Arden would have like me---not for my flawless make-up, but because she said, “I only want people around me who can do the impossible.” Often, when I was working on a magazine assignment, a contact would say, “It is impossible for me to give you that information,” or, “It will be impossible for you to get an appointment with that busy person.” That’s when I would respond, “Who do I talk to now?” That is when I learned the value of a sense of humor, because it is impossible for people to laugh and be angry at the same time. Once, it took 50 telephone calls, but I got the appointment with the impossibly busy Mayor of Atlanta.

I agree with Walt Disney who said, “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” Fear of failure makes it impossible to achieve one’s dreams. A person just has to plow ahead vowing not to fail. It might not work, but you’ll never know if you don’t try the impossible.

Esther Blumenfeld (“In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.”) Miguel de Cervantes

Teeter Totter

Jimmy Buffet said, “Indecision may or may not be my problem.”

I consider myself a relatively decisive person, because I don’t have the patience to be indecisive. Since shopping is not my favorite sport, I don’t vacillate, but I usually buy what I need or want, and never worry that I could have gotten a better deal elsewhere. What’s done is done!

However, when confronted with change, sometimes I find it difficult to make up my mind, but often one doesn’t have a choice. For instance, I usually drive the same route to the airport, but recent construction made that impossible. I was picking up a friend, and was confronted with my great fear of getting lost. I had to make up my mind to drive an unfamiliar route. Armed with a map and a moody GPS, I white-knuckled the steering wheel, took a leap of faith and made the decision to go ahead. Since you are reading this story, you know I did not end up in New Mexico.

My friend, Pamela, and her husband, Chuck are very devoted to one another, but occasionally they disagree on important issues such as how much liquid detergent to pour into the cap of the bottle before emptying it into the washing machine. Married couples are known to have these kinds of discussions at least once a day. Finally, Pamela decisively threw the bottle of detergent into the trash, and that was the end of their “discussion.” This, from a woman who considers herself indecisive.

Granted, making decisions is hard. It’s so much easier when someone else makes up your mind for you. When someone says, “You choose,” maybe he thinks he is being nice. I think he just doesn’t want to be blamed for making the wrong decision, so he leaves it up to you. Of course, there are those people who like to rub it in if you make the wrong choice. If that happens, you can always claim that it was an educational experience.  Sam Levenson said, “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Once, when driving a friend to her house, I said, “ Do I turn left?” “Right,” she replied. I turned right, and then she said. You should have turned left.” I still don’t know if she couldn’t make up her mind.

Esther Blumenfeld (When you don’t know what to do---take a nap!)

A Day In The Life

I woke up with a headache. I heard a flock of birds tap-dancing on the skylight in my master bathroom. The alarm clock hadn’t awakened me, and my bedside phone charger light was off. After crawling around on the floor, checking electrical connections, it occurred to me to put on my glasses. I discovered that I had set the clock on “off” instead of “alarm,” the phone needed a new battery, and the only bird-brain around was me---because the tap-dancing turned out to be a torrent of rain hammering the skylight.

I plugged in the coffee maker and ran outside to get my newspaper. After hanging the newspaper on the drying rack in my garage, I tried to pour myself a cup of coffee, but discovered that I had forgotten to put water into the machine. Then I tried to balance my checkbook, but it refused to cooperate.

It was time for my dental appointment, and the dentist informed me that I needed a root canal. I drove in the rain to meet the root canal guy, who put an electric charge on my tooth. After peeling me off the ceiling, he said, “Your root is alive. You don’t need a root canal. You need a crown. That will be $98 please.”

Since I had saved $1200.00 with that bit of information, I decided to celebrate by buying a new pair of hiking shoes.  The salesman said, “Your feet have grown. You need bigger size shoes.”

Got home and the red message light on my other phone was blinking. There were no messages, but the light refused to stop blinking. I called my Comcast bundle-bungle company. Someone in India zapped my modem. The light kept blinking. I unplugged my phone and took an aspirin. Had a quick lunch.  I liked it. It didn’t like me.

Drove to the post office. Stood in line (on line for those of you in New York) for 20 minutes. Got to the window, and the postal clerk chirped, “Good Morning! How are you today.”  I told him!

Esther Blumenfeld (“The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.”) Marcus Aurelius.

Hedging Your Bets

Wake up!  It’s time for a riddle: What do you consistently buy that is very expensive, but that you never want to use, and that the seller doesn’t really want you to use either?

If that doesn’t ring your chimes, the clue is in your checkbook. Minimally, you insure your life, your body parts, your home and your car, and if that isn’t good enough, you spend some more money on a million-dollar umbrella policy to protect you from a litigious cloud burst.

There are other insurances such as coverage for lost packages, floods, or termites that can chew you out of house and home, and the most recent insurance is coverage for a wedding. The average American wedding now costs around $26,000.00, so a number of companies now insure certain losses due to problems with vendors, and issues such as hurricanes, illness and cold feet. However, if the couple decides to break-up, it has to be nine months before the happy event to collect. I think that wedding insurance stops the moment the couple says, “I do!” I doubt if any company is solvent enough to insure a moment after that.

I was happy to have car insurance when an old lady confused her gas pedal for her brake pedal and rear-ended me at a stoplight. The police officer suggested that she stop driving when he saw a man carrying her radiator back to her car.

For most of us, insurance is a necessary but annoying expense, however for some people it serves another purpose such as publicity. Lloyds of London was the go to company for odd insurances. In the 1940’s executives of 20^th Century Fox insured the legs of the popular pin-up and actress, Betty Grable for one-million-dollars each.

In 1957, food critic, Egon Ronay insured his taste buds for $400,000.00. That was before the popularity of jalapeño peppers, and people still had taste buds.

Thirteen-year-old Harvey Lowe won the 1932 World Yo-Yo Championship in London, and toured Europe with his up and down toy. His sponsor, the Cheerio Yo-Yo Company of Canada insured his hands for $150,000.00.

Michael Flatley, star of Riverdance, must have thought his legs were prettier than Betty Grable’s because he insured them for forty-seven-million dollars.

The comedy team of Bud Abbot and Lou Costello took out a $250,000.00, five-year policy to protect against a career-ending argument. Unfortunately, that didn’t include a career-ending argument with the Internal Revenue Service.

Bruce Springsteen insured his voice, Rod Stewart his throat and Bob Dylan his vocal cords.

Actuaries, who work for insurance companies, use mathematical, statistical and financial theories to study uncertain future events and the consequences of covering clients. They help to determine who is the biggest risk for the insurance company, and ask questions such as: “How many times has this bozo gone sky diving without opening his parachute in the last year?” If it’s more than once, forget the Whole Life Policy!

Esther Blumenfeld (“Can you really count on unpredictability?”) WSB

"We Are Not Amused" (Elizabeth II)

God had better save the Queen of England, because I’m not sure who else will step up with $83 million to fully repair the “crumbling” Royal palace. Hemophilia ran in the Royal Romanoff family of Russia, but the folks at Buckingham Palace seem to hemorrhage money. You’d think they were a bunch of American yuppies the way they have piddled away their savings from $58 million to a measly $1.6 million.

Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle are in such bad shape that employees are using buckets to catch water from leaking roofs. No doubt about it, the household must get a firm grip on cost cutting measures as well as their umbrellas.

In the last five years, the English government cut their spending by 33%. The Royals slashed their spending by 5%. They got $51.4 million from taxpayers, but spent $55.2 million, so they had to dip into most of their savings. I don’t know where they cut their budget, but in 1987 Queen Elizabeth did say, “I never see any home cooking---all I get is the fancy stuff.”

Elizabeth I, who came to the throne in 1558, inherited a realm afflicted with debt. Even though her father, Henry VIII saved money by not paying alimony, he had a bad credit rating among European money lenders, because of his habit of collecting all the silver and gold paid to him as loans, mixing them with alloy, and paying out a quarter of what he received by reducing the value of the coins. The cagey King made Bernie Madoff look good in comparison.

Besides a massive debt, Elizabeth I inherited an untidy mess of religious intrigue and war. No wonder she tore out her hair and wore a wig.

I recently read that Queen Elizabeth II has decided to gradually hand over royal duties to Prince Charles. He said, “Sure, Mummy. Now that I am 65-years-old, and the roof is leaking, you’ve decided to hand the whole mess over to me. Thanks a bunch!”

Esther Blumenfeld (“I have to be seen to be believed.”) Queen Elizabeth II