Although our calendars herald the upcoming holidays of Chanukah and Christmas, few people have the foresight to shop in July. Granted that computer and catalog shopping have put a dent into the last minute craze known as the, “Black Friday Mall Onslaught,” millions  of people, most of whom were previously unknown to one another, set their clocks so they can arrive at the same moment to shop together.

Armed with gift lists, charge cards and sensible shoes, otherwise congenial folks embark shoulder-to-shoulder on a spending frenzy, firmly convinced that this will be the year of the accessible parking space. However, creative parking is only an omen of things to come.

Surging with the pack, you will dive through the doors into the Mall and run smack into sensory overload. I’m not just talking rock-and-roll here—-This is planned bedlam! At one end of the Mall a high school band plays its holiday version of “Start-Together-Finish-Together-But Heaven-Help-The-In-between.”

At the other end, bells are clanging, a hurdy-gurdy is grinding and muzak carols duel with an elementary school’s rendition of Leonard Bernstein’s, “Mass”—- accompanied by the “Ach Mein Gott” cloggers. Some happy little tots are clamoring for Santa Claus while others are shrieking to escape.

Dodging your last Elf, as you stumble into your favorite store, you are greeted by a sign, “Pardon Our Dust.” So where did they move the escalator? Swirling marble and flashing mirrors cleverly conceal all direct paths to anywhere, and rest assured, there is no way out!
Elbowing your way to the Information Desk, you may ask, “So, where did they put the merchandise?” At this, the clerk smiles, smooths his spiked blue hair and answers, “Like, I don’t know. I’m just temporary. But, Merry Christmas!

When you eventually reach Menswear, the only shirt sizes left are 14 x 35 or 17 x 30. Time to settle for a bathrobe, “One size fits all—-Almost.” Finished at last, you end up with 14 little bags inside one big bag, guaranteed not to tear until you reach the parking lot.

Now, the ultimate challenge: Where is your car? Perhaps, you’ll borrow the technique of an elderly couple who simply hailed a cab and cruised the lanes until they located their Buick.

So, if you don’t want to shop in July, what’s the solution? Many people do resort to computer or catalog shopping, but where’s the fun? After all, that kind of shopping has its hazards too. What if Aunt Emily ends up with a power saw instead of a cake cutter. Now that wouldn’t do. That wouldn’t do at all!

Esther Blumenfeld, (Based on “Coffee Break Column, Esther Blumenfeld and Lynne Alpern, BUSINESS ATLANTA MAGAZINE, December, 1986)  c. Esther Blumenfeld