Soothsaying

Fortune tellers in Romania are not only being taxed, but authorities are now proposing a new bill that threatens fines or prison if their predictions don’t come true. In this economy there’s even a hex on witchcraft. 

Recently, I declined an invitation to a philanthropic event that featured a psychic as entertainment. The woman who answered my telephone call said, “This man can tell you the name of any song you have playing in your head.”  I replied, “If he’s that good, he already knows I’m not coming. Besides, why do I want someone to tell me what tune is in my head when I already know?”

 Obviously, I’m not big on mumbo jumbo. Some people swear by divination. I can wait 24 hours for tomorrow to arrive with all of its surprises, but there are those Nostradamus folks who want to predict the future in order to avoid the pratfalls in their path, or to be able to say, “See, I told you so.” 

I admit that on occasion I have a taste for a fortune cookie, because the message is always cheery and I can eat the messenger, but I don’t take these little messages to heart. 

For those who yearn to delve into the spooky, here are some specialties that might appeal to you, if you can find these folks: 

1. Onychmancy:  Reading the future from reflections in a Virgin’s oiled fingernails. In the 21^st Century, this may prove difficult. Never met a woman with oily fingernails.
2. Haruspex: Reader of entrails. You might want to ask your broker about this one.
3. Kephalonomancy: Tell the future from listening to the crackling made by burning a donkey’s head. PETA would object.
4. Hydromancy: It has to do with swirling waves and other wet activities, but the practitioners are a “reclusive lot.” This is probably because they have their heads under water.
5. Rumpology: This involves predictions by reading the lines on buttocks.  Certainly, there are some of those around.
6. Uromancy: Divination by reading bubbles made by urinating into a pot. This might work for toddlers. 

Truth is absolutely stranger than fiction. Here is my advice: If you don’t like what your Horoscope tells you, pick another month. Enjoy the tea, and throw out the leaves, and if anyone reads your palm, use a hand sanitizer. 

Esther Blumenfeld (Chinese Fire Rat)